To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

Apologies for not updating sooner.

Yes, I do know iWBU and I asked him if I could talk to him in the meeting room yesterday. I apologised for calling him what I did (I repeated it back to him) because IWBU by saying I didn't. He shrugged and said 'fine' and the rest of the day and today went without any unpleasantness. I also messaged my line manager and said that if he wants a chat with both of us then I'd understand but he said no. I'm not going to offer any excuses because a) I didn't ask for any excuses for what I did even at the time of posting and b) there are no excuses for losing my temper the way I did.

OP was vile, should face disciplinary, but this would never be accepted as gross misconduct if it went to tribunal

Oh I think it would.

KittyVonCatsworth

It looks like you have got away with it this time.

On the Plus side you seem to be taking this as a learning experience.

good move op.

@JustHereForThePooStories are you having a laugh?
It most certainly would.

*KittyVonCatsworth Fri 18-Jan-19 20:18:01
Apologies for not updating sooner.

Yes, I do know iWBU and I asked him if I could talk to him in the meeting room yesterday. I apologised for calling him what I did (I repeated it back to him) because IWBU by saying I didn't. He shrugged and said 'fine' and the rest of the day and today went without any unpleasantness. I also messaged my line manager and said that if he wants a chat with both of us then I'd understand but he said no. I'm not going to offer any excuses because a) I didn't ask for any excuses for what I did even at the time of posting and b) there are no excuses for losing my temper the way I did.*

So in a nutshell...

So in a nutshell... bold quotes are failing me on previous message... you are working in a tiny office, with no more than 5 people employed. You had a nasty exchange with a fellow employee. You have no regrets beyond boasting about your 'quick retort' to mumsnet, yet still assuming you might be lauded for 'taking the prick down fast' and may reach management level one day? Not in a million years pet. There are people on here who are genuine managers, who gave you good advice and still the response was odd.

Well done for apologising. That can't have been easy but it shows you know that, even in the circumstances, it was wrong.

This, of course, marks me totally wrong, too, but how brilliant OP! I know, I understand all of the arguments as to why it was totally the wrong thing, however, there are some occasions when you become so incensed that something supremely terrible is said.

And then the silence falls.... and you realise that the person who said this terrible thing... was you.

Because sometimes, just occasionally, when you are pretty certain that your gob is securely fastened: Something shocks the hell out of you, and you, in turn, shock the hell out of the rest of the office.

Don't be too hard on yourself, eh?

Why are we so bloody shocked at that one particular word anyway? I never did understand that.

He might be going in two weeks, but you might get fired before then if he put in a complaint....

the fact that you called him a name while objecting to him calling someone a name is ironic, and no...not good.

There is nothing wrong with calling him out, but to use language that is words than his is not going to win any battles, and makes you look bitter.

How do you know the woman on the phone wasn't a tart?

How do you know the woman on the phone wasn't a tart

^^ probably the most immature comment I've ever seen on MN!

How do you know the woman on the phone wasn't a tart?

What, you mean Joan Bakewell?

How do you know the woman on the phone wasn't a tart?

I disagree with the op but

I’m really shocked by this.

“Tart” needed calling out, but you were disgusting OP. And then to think that because he’s leaving in 2 weeks he doesn’t deserve an apology is appalling. Your mouth isn’t the only problem. Your lack of social skills in understanding how to go about repairing the situation is a lot more worrying.

I hope he puts in a complaint.

Ok sorry I didn’t read the last update.

Looks like you’ve done the right thing. And that you’ve got away with it this time.

I'm laughing so much at this because I have a similar affliction but you really do have an issue.

If you can't control yourself you need to just walk away asap... run if you have to (You can explain it away as feeling suddenly unwell).

You will end up out if a job at this rate and no cunts worth losing your job over.

I agree you should apologise to anyone who may have overheard you. Totally unprofessional

He called a woman a 'tart' wrong
You called him a 'cunt' equally wrong

Both of you need anger management and to grow up a bit.

Oooh, I've done something not too dissimilar so I feel your pain here. I am not sure techniques as such will work long term. I once worked for a manager who had clearly been warned about his domineering tendencies by his own management and he thought that by adopting techniques such as smiling a lot at people and saying 75 billion pleases and thank you's that people would then do what he wanted. It didn't work when it really needed to so out came the domineering, sexist and aggressive behaviour because that was all he had left. A turd rolled in glitter is still a turd.

I think you should perhaps go for some counselling to try and understand why you react the way you do in these situations. Having a better understanding of this would be a very helpful step forward and perhaps enable some fundamental shifts in attitude and behaviour which will help you in the workplace, however your career pans out. Also, fwiw, there are plenty of managers out there who would never call their colleagues "cunts" but who also have absolutely no clue how to lead or get the best out of people, hence the saying," Staff leave managers, not companies." I would also take a really good hard look at your attributes to honestly assess whether you fundamentally have the skillset to be a good manager or leader. Don't beat yourself up too much about this: you recognise there's an issue and you're trying to deal with it. Best of luck !