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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
Perso25 · 15/01/2019 20:31

Seems very unfair to me. I could ask if dD could also been given a role.

lastqueenofscotland · 15/01/2019 20:33

Could it be that his party are his side of the family and hers are hers? I see your point but think you are being a bit U,

Raven88 · 15/01/2019 20:36

It's not fair, I would say not to the boys doing it if it means it excludes DD. I would also tell them the truth about how you feel.

Raven88 · 15/01/2019 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coffeeisnecessary · 15/01/2019 20:39

Seems very unfair that she isn't even invited, what are you meant to do for child care?! Mean to leave her out completely, I think you should say something.

SavoyCabbage · 15/01/2019 20:40

So would I. It's awful to have two out of three siblings. Especially as they are having bridesmaids.

PinkGin24 · 15/01/2019 20:40

YABU. It is their wedding.

Raven88 · 15/01/2019 20:41

Apologies for the double post my phone was saying not connected.

zeeboo · 15/01/2019 20:48

It seems fair to me. He has chosen the male wedding party and the bride has chosen the female. I can't begin to count the number of weddings I've seen where there are bridesmaids whose brothers aren't involved in the wedding party because many people don't have page boys.

Pommes · 15/01/2019 20:49

I can only imagine that your brother's wedding party (groomsmen, etc) are picked by him and that his wife-to-be picks her wedding party (maid of honour, bridesmaids etc). It seems unfair because they are only children, but perhaps in line with tradition?

My friend has a sister. His wife has three sisters. All of the bride's sisters were bridesmaids, his (much loved) sister wasn't because she is from his side.

LadyinLavende · 15/01/2019 20:50

It's normal for the bridesmaids to be chosen by the bride and if she already has three nieces then it's understandable that she hasn't asked your daughter.
Your brother has asked your sons to be members of the wedding party - that is logical and "fair".
When my uncle got married I hoped to be a bridesmaid but his bride had three nieces so she chose them rather than my sister and me.
Our childhoods were not stunted by this.

Original poster
Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:50

My dd is invited to the wedding. Just won't be involved. And she's old enough to know she's not involved. I have said to my dh that I thinks it's unfair on her but he doesn't think so.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 15/01/2019 20:52

Bridesmaid duties=bride's side, groomsmen=groom's side. Yabvu to want your dd to have a role at someone else's wedding, you have no right to decide this.

Storybarn · 15/01/2019 20:53

When my brother got married my sil chose her sister, best friend and my youngest sister to be bridesmaid. I was heavily pregnant so declined the offer as I'd have to be rolled up and down the aisle! What they have done is very insensitive and rude imo.

Newtothis2017 · 15/01/2019 20:53

I think it is fine. The bride has obviously picked her own friends and family as her bridesmaids. And 8 is too young to be a bridesmaid. It would have been nice of them to have her as a flower girl but don't let it ruin your relationship with them

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 20:54

Ask your DB if your DD can be a page girl...

Stompythedinosaur · 15/01/2019 20:55

It does seem unfair and upsetting for your dd. Could he have thought your dd wouldn't want to for some reason? I think I would have to ask my db about it. I would probably ask for none of the dc to have a role rather than exclude one.

lola006 · 15/01/2019 20:55

My BIL had my DS1 (then 8) as a pageboy, while DS2 (then 6) sat with DH and I in the pews. He (DS2) absolutely did not care. There’s a good chance your DD won’t be bothered but will have fun bring a fun party dress and dancing at the reception.

AllMYSmellySocks · 15/01/2019 20:56

It's not normal no. Most people would have the sense to include all the kids. Does DD actually mind though?

gamerchick · 15/01/2019 20:56

It's not unfair OP, it's the way it's worked out.

You could always say no to the boys participating.

Helplessfeeling · 15/01/2019 20:57

Are the 'other nephews' you mention on the brides side? If so YANBU. If there are none of her side in his party then YABU as he has clearly made his own choices.

GoGoGadgetGin · 15/01/2019 20:57

Agree with random

MrsWillGardner · 15/01/2019 20:57

Agree with you, it is unfair. Have you spoken to your brother about it? What has he said?

TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 20:58

She doesn’t sound very kind if she’s happy to leave out one little child. I remember a friend of mine who has 2 girls age 3 and 4. The 3 year old was picked to be bridesmaid because she was prettier in their eyes. I said to the mum I’d have to say no to that. It’s too horrible on the one left behind. So I know what you’re saying. I wouldn’t like it at all x

Cranky17 · 15/01/2019 20:58

I think it’s shitty behaviour and the bride and groom should be embarrassed by their choices.
You will get a lot of ‘their wedding their choice’ which is true, but that doesn’t mean they get to treat anyone young or old with such meaness.
If they want a his side her side type wedding then your dd can be part of the grooms entourage and stand at the front with him in a nice dress.

What ever happened to a bit of kindness in the world.