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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
Cutesbabasmummy · 16/01/2019 15:14

I think it's up to the bride who she has as bridesmaids. I had just my best friend and my godaughter, My MIl invited my husband's cousin's son (3) to be a page boy and I was fuming. I just told her she could dress him how she liked but he wasn't going to be walking down the aisle. If DD isn't bothered I'd let it go as long as she is invited to the wedding. She has plenty of time to be a bridesmaid later in life.

thecatsthecats · 16/01/2019 19:07

A little lesson for both you and your children.

YOU must be fair towards your children. There are a number of legal requirements determining fairness also.

Otherwise? No, life isn't fair. No, this isn't a big deal. No, you can't fix everything for your kids.

You can help them understand and develop resilience though.

Jux · 16/01/2019 19:28

Well said, thecats, absolutely true.

Whoareyouandwhyareyouhere · 16/01/2019 19:57

Why do people always think they can dictate someone else's wedding? My SIL tried to do this to me, when I declined her son being Page Boy, after she had out and out asked! She then asked if he could still wear the same suit as the men, wouldn't listen to me saying no to that either. Thankfully the suit didn't come that small. She was trying to make my day about her family, really pissed me off. When she got married I wasn't even included in the family photo, despite being married to her brother!!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/01/2019 20:16

Whoareyouandwhyareyouhere your nephew?

EWAB · 16/01/2019 20:39

Right I would definitely have included her given I had no nephews who would havevto be accommodated however I would have secretly resented it and would have tried to keep just my side getting ready together.
Anyway my two have different fathers and the age gap between them isn’t great but significant in that any difference in treatment can be apportioned to that but I don’t get people who would take away a temporary privilege for one child just because it might piss off the other one!
Genuinely don’t want to derail the thread but how could you justify to your sons pulling them out of the wedding just because sibling ( who isn’t related to bride) isn’t in it? People proposing this do you really think it would promote sibling harmony because I think all it would do is promote disharmony and resentment.
I wouldn’t have excluded her as there is no one else in the same category so I wouldn’t have had a barrage of complaints from others but I think at 8 she can grasp ‘ traditional roles’ in weddings whether you think they’re outdated and sexist or not.

RubiksQueen · 16/01/2019 20:57

Well clearly I'm a right bitch then cos I'm having my sister and niece as bridesmaids and my nephews aren't included and I'm not having my fiancé's nieces because a) I've met them once and b) I can't afford 5 bridesmaids!!

I haven't done it to be nasty or cruel. It's a mix of practicality and who I'm going to be comfortable having around me on the day. Which really doesn't include two girls I don't know. It definitely wouldn't include a little girl who would need a 'known' adult with her, who might be too shy to ask if she needed something, who will need looking after.

CookingGood · 16/01/2019 21:13

That’s not bitchy at all. Would be unkind though if you had all of them but one, that’s the difference between your scenario and the OPs sils

Vedette89 · 16/01/2019 21:36

If we had all our respective nieces/nephews then we would have 18! In a small wedding ! It would look absolutely crazy and have been very costly /stressful. Whilst i get why you're a bit upset it is no reason to decline an invite to your brother's wedding as pp have suggested! An insane overreaction and one you would regret.

Whoareyouandwhyareyouhere · 16/01/2019 22:51

Yes my nephew, sorry as I wasn't called auntie until after the wedding I didn't really feel part of the family and able to call him nephew at that point.
No children had a 'part to play' in our wedding they were our guests not something to be paraded about

Ringsender2 · 17/01/2019 13:59

@mummyomg sorry if you've already said this: how old are your DSs? How old are the 2 other girls who will be bridesmaids?

If the girls older teens /grownups then it doesn't seem as bad.

If they are 8/9/10/11, and your DSs are similar, then it will be really odd and come across as thoughtless and unfair.

What does your DB think about it??

parishmeeting · 17/01/2019 14:03

I don't really see the problem. She's been invited to the wedding, just not asked to be a bridesmaid. It would be different if her two siblings were girls and asked to be flowergirls and she was left out. But it is quite logical that the pageboys are coming from the grooms side and the bridesmaids from the bride's side.

Just explain this to your daughter. That's life!

Wingingitwell · 17/01/2019 14:35

It’s such a difficult one without knowing the brides reasons. Maybe see if you can find out? The difficulty with weddings is that you have to put limits somewhere or it gets out of hand, from bridesmaids to guest list there are usually compromises to be made. Maybe treat your little girl to a special dress and make a really big deal of it.

AvadaKedavra1 · 17/01/2019 14:40

I would put her in a white/ivory dress or the same colour as the bridesmaids...

Well I wouldn't, but it's exactly what I would want to do in my head..

It's just a bit mean to leave her out, she'll also be absent from most of the photos bit her brothers will be in them.. she exactly the same relation to the B&G as her brother. YANBU.

IdleBetty · 17/01/2019 15:50

It's total bollocks that this is acceptable. Everybody making excuses that the bride sorts the bridesmaids and the groom sorts the pageboys.

As a couple you sit down and say right, on both sides we have a total of 4 nieces and 4 nephews, how are we going to do this?

Not, let's just stick to 3 bridesmaids and 4 pageboys and leave 1 out.

It would be obvious at the very first discussions that one child would be left out and as an adult I couldn't do that to a child.

OP I would be hurt but I have no idea what I would do about it.

IdleBetty · 17/01/2019 15:53

If we had all our respective nieces/nephews then we would have 18!

I agree this would be ridiculous, so you would say let's take the 2 youngest or 1 of each etc. You would discuss the best way.

In the OP's case they are leaving out 1 child. MN always go on about never leaving one kid out of a party, this is family!

IdleBetty · 17/01/2019 15:58

And yes I know she is being invited to the wedding, but she isn't 'special' enough to play a part.

reallyanotherone · 17/01/2019 20:05

It’s such a difficult one without knowing the brides reasons

It’s got nothing to do with the bride. All to do with her sex.

If she had been a boy she would have been invited to be a pageboy with her brothers- they wouldn’t have left one out if they were all male.

Antiquated nonsense that grooms party are all males, brides all females

Decent groom would have invited all 3 children not just the ones he has genitalia in common with.

emilybrontescorsett · 17/01/2019 21:34

I completely disagree that the groom decides who the bridesmaids are. They are the BRIDESmaids the clue is in the word. Neither do I accept that it is the brides choice who is best man, it is the groom's choice entirely.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 22:07

YABU

I had this nonsense at my wedding. BIL complaining one of his DD was not a flower girl.

I wanted just 2 FGs of the same age/height. His older DD would have made it an odd number.

He was creating such a fuss and I said no and didn't budge on it .

As it happens my Dsis suggested I could include her (as a petal bearer) throwing petals down the aisle before the bridal party walked in.

I think it was BIL being a PITA... his DD would have been fine.

I see the tradition as the bride chooses the bridesmaids/flower girls and the groom chooses the best men/ushers/page boy.

Do not ask for a role for your DD. Nobody will raise eyebrows about her not being included in the bridal party.

Get her a pretty dress and don't make a fuss.

Lwoj · 17/01/2019 22:32

Reading the ops comments this is a wedding abroad so I’m assuming it’s a smallish wedding. Is she the only child at the wedding without a role? If so agree this is a bit mean and thoughtless.

IdleBetty · 17/01/2019 23:26

To those of you who think it's no big deal, would you have left your OWN nephew/niece out while your DH's nephews/nieces were ALL included?

Auntiepatricia · 18/01/2019 10:53

Idle I wouldn’t have had my DHs niece as my flower girl, no. I would have had my sisters daughter though. It wouldn’t have really come to mind to invite DHs family into my ‘getting ready with my family’ special few hours before the ceremony especially considering the entourage of DHs family (who I love) needing to come too. He and his family got ready in a hotel and me and my family got ready at my parents house. If he had had his nephew (soon to be my nephew too) as a page boy I STILL wouldn’t have had his niece in my bridal party.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 11:09

@idleBetty

To those of you who think it's no big deal, would you have left your OWN nephew/niece out while your DH's nephews/nieces were ALL included

Yes.
It's about gender to me. I choose all the female attendants. He chooses the male ones.

I had all my sisters on the bridal train...but not his.

If he chose all his nephews and left mine out..that's fine. But he would not get to choose my flower girls or bridesmaids.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/01/2019 13:21

I'm surprised people think this is ok, I would hate to feel I'd upset a small child over something like this. I would definitely have all siblings or none.

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