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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
Jux · 15/01/2019 22:33

I don't really see what's unfair. Do they have boys from both sides as pageboys?

Sindragosan · 15/01/2019 22:41

I've been the bride in this situation (although didn't leave one in a family out), I wasn't planning on having anyone from the groom's side as a bridesmaid. I didn't know any of them that well, and thanks to both mother & mother-in-law causing trouble, wasn't likely to get to know anyone that well before the wedding. A massive fuss was made by someone on the groom's side, because their daughter had their heart set on being bridesmaid, was only little, would be heartbroken etc, etc, and to stop one more lot of trouble, I gave in and let the spoilt brat be a bridesmaid. My side were unimpressed that someone they didn't know muscled in (and hair colour wouldn't match Hmm ) so there was a fair amount of huffing going on, and a slightly bewildered child who had to be included in hair/make-up/transport with people she'd never met.

Still pisses me off 20 years later, but there you go. If you must, decline for both boys.

Yabbers · 15/01/2019 22:44

Unfair. Happened to me when I was 9 and I still recall how bad I felt. They tried to make it up to me by having me hand over one of those stupid horseshoe things. I did it with the sulkiest faces I could muster. Have a word with them and see if you can change their mind. It’s not just the day, it’s all the fittings and rehearsals and stuff she will be dragged along to. Then the bridesmaids get a lovely gift. So shitty. My mum was usual matter-of-fact, get over it. I’d like,to hope she understood but didn’t want to make a big deal about it but it felt like nobody cared. Still harbouring a grudge

CosmicComet · 15/01/2019 22:44

My side were unimpressed that someone they didn't know muscled in (and hair colour wouldn't match)

Sorry but that’s awful. So what if it’s someone THEY don’t know? It’s someone YOU know from your new family! And FFS who gives a shit what colour hair their bridesmaids have! Talk about Bridezilla - I cant imagine being annoyed about a little girl’s hair colour! Shock

OkOkWhatsNext · 15/01/2019 22:49

Hmm. I remember being a bridesmaid for my aunt and uncle’s wedding as a child, only me, neither of my younger sisters were. There would have been too many otherwise. I suppose maybe if it were just one it wouldn’t seem so unfair but I can see why they’ve done it that way.

EugenesAxe · 15/01/2019 22:52

Eurgh that doesn't bode well for what kind of person she'll be once she's married IMO.

I had my two sisters and best friend as my bridesmaids but out of respect for my DH and his family, we arranged that his niece (whom I'd hardly ever met) would be a flower girl. And my sister had four best friends, plus nieces from both sides as flower girls. I don't think it's very nice really, as they are young children. If they were older I'd be less bothered I guess.

Sindragosan · 15/01/2019 22:52

I barely knew her at that point, thanks to my future MIL (I know her better now). I didn't care what colour her hair was, but my family were causing their own trouble and it was one more thing for people to moan about.

It would have been different if relationships had been civil on both sides, but it had been one thing after another from we got engaged, that it just felt like one more slap in the teeth.

Cranky17 · 15/01/2019 22:52

My side were unimpressed that someone they didn't know muscled in (and hair colour wouldn't match hmm they sound fun

Livelovebehappy · 15/01/2019 23:05

Possibly the bride to be has nephews who have been left out too. This question has been put forward several times to OP but no response back yet.

BackforGood · 15/01/2019 23:29

Reflecten Would you really not go to your brother's wedding over it ? Shock I mean I know a lot on MN like to be dramatic, but surely just saying you will all just come as guests, together as a family would be a better way?

I have to say, if it were my brother, then he's obviously someone I grew up with. I wouldn't have any issue with saying quietly to him that dd was feeling very left out - do you think she could do another job, like an usher or something, in case it was just 'not really thinking' rather than a thought through decision that they had made.

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/01/2019 23:33

Would you really not go to your brother's wedding over it?

Yep. It's horrible behaviour.

surely just saying you will all just come as guests, together as a family would be a better way?

Why would you want to go to the wedding of someone who regards some of your children as disposable?

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 23:39

The op does say the grooms other nephews are pageboys, rather than her nephews, or our nephews which does imply that they are nephews through the bride?

sue51 · 15/01/2019 23:40

So the bride is having bridesmaids from her side of the family and the groom is having the boys from his side. It sounds perfectly fair and reasonable to me. I would just buy the DD a pretty dress to wear, some confetti to throw and tell her its an honour to be invited as a guest.

Yulebealrite · 15/01/2019 23:44

I wouldn’t like it

leftovercoffeecake · 15/01/2019 23:56

So long as the bride hasn't got any nephews as page boys, then I think it is perfectly fair.

As others have said, the groom has chosen his party and the bride has chosen hers. Perhaps the bride only wants to be surrounded by her immediate close family and friends on the morning of her wedding.

Also if the couple is paying for all of the outfits, the cost might be another factor as to why they aren't having everyone.

Although it's a shame, I'd try not to take it personally as they wouldn't have done it to purposely spite your daughter.

Klopptimist · 16/01/2019 01:53

We can assume that the bride has picked the BMs and the groom has picked the PBs. We don't know if the bride has any nephews. We don't know if the groom has any other nieces. So we actually have no idea if this really is just "1 child left out" at all.

Also, not all 8 year old girls are the same. We have absolutely no idea if she would actually want to be a BM or not.

OP, I'll reserve judgement until we have some more details.

airissweet · 16/01/2019 02:17

I don’t think it is in any way unfair either. I can’t believe some of the responses on here.

I’m genuinely interested to know how you would feel if your daughter had been asked to be a bridesmaid and your sons had not been asked to be involved would you decline on her behalf or see it as unfair?

freshfoodpeople · 16/01/2019 03:37

The B&G sound quite nasty and not very bright. Surely it's common sense and decency that if you've got 8 (for example) young nieces and nephews between you, and you want to be inclusive, that all the girls are flowergirls/bridesmaids and the boys are pageboys, regardless of whose "side" they're on.

He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews)
From the sound of it, there'll be more boys than girls in the wedding party, so it looks pretty deliberate not to include the OP's DD to at least even up the sides if nothing else. That's nasty.

In OP's situation I would decline my sons being involved and tell the B&G why. I would also consider not attending at all based on their reaction.

Dunin · 16/01/2019 03:51

YANBU
It’s fine for them to ask who they want but it’s also fine for you to feel a bit weird about your DD being the only child to be left out. It’s also fine for you to decline the offer for your sons to be page boys based on fairness. You have to deal with the impact of it all within your own family. Make a judgement. Will your DD be upset by this? My kids wouldn’t notice or care. Everybody’s different. If she’s sensitive and will be upset then don’t accept any role and be blunt “having considered your request, we’ve decided not to let the boys be page boys. Thanks for thinking of them though. DD is going to be upset at being left out so it’s best if none of them have a role” don’t fanny around it.

PBobs · 16/01/2019 03:59

I haven't read TFT nor do I have an opinion on how normal this is but why could your brother not have your DD in his wedding party? Or are we still doing the whole boys with boys and girls with girls thing?

snitzelvoncrumb · 16/01/2019 04:02

It's up to the bride who she has in her bridal party, but as the kids mum it's up to you to make decisions that work for your family. If your daughter would be very upset by being left out you need to decide whether you let your boys participate.
It really depends on how bothered she will be. Both my kids would be inconsolable if the other was in a wedding and not the other, so I would just all or none.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/01/2019 04:03

Sorry but it seems fair to me. He's clearly picked his nephews for the male roles and she's picked her neices for the female ones.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2019 04:45

How upset will your dd be? Can you give her some kind of other consolation?

The answers to these questions would help me to make a decision.

You could message your brother and tell him you are unsure that you can have your ds’s be page boys as your dd will be very upset. If they aren’t parents, they may not have thought of your dds feelings. Isn’t it best to check before declining?

FuckingYuleLog · 16/01/2019 04:55

I don't see how it's unfair? You could say it wouldn't hurt to add one more but what if the bride has 10 nephews who are then wondering why they can't be page boys?
I think 8 is old enough to explain that, traditionally, bridesmaids are the brides friends and family and page boys are from the grooms side. Get her a nice dress and give her a wind up camera and tell her she's the head photographer at the reception.

WeepingSong · 16/01/2019 06:18

It’s tradition that the groom does the groomsmen/page boys and the bride does the bridesmaids/flower girls. - no it isn’t

I would decline the page boy request for the boys and go as family - no fuss, no demands, no drama.