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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 15/01/2019 21:01

Bridesmaid duties=bride's side, groomsmen=groom's side. Yabvu to want your dd to have a role at someone else's wedding, you have no right to decide this.
What a load of tosh, what harm is an eight year old girl in a dress going to do. A marriage is meant to be about the pairing of two people and joining families, and what a great way to do this by included a little girl

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 21:02

Sorry OP but as a 2019 bride (and quite a reasonable one at that) I can see why your DD wasn’t included!

It’s tradition that the groom does the groomsmen/page boys and the bride does the bridesmaids/flower girls- to do both from both would result in HUGE bridal parties that most couples just don’t want/can’t afford!

If we filled our bridal parties from both sides - I’d have 5 flower girls and four bridesmaids whilst DP would have 6 groomsmen and 3 page boys - it’s on a 60 guest wedding! Totally OTT and unreasonable!

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 21:04
  • it’s worth keeping in mind that there may be other girls on the brides side who she hasn’t asked and by asking your DD it would then landslide! I KNOW this would happen in my family .... ‘you barely even know DP’s niece - so how can you ask her and not your cousins 3 DD’s??’
MrDarcyWillBeMine · 15/01/2019 21:05

I mean it’s fine by me if everyone under the age of 12 and in attendance is a page boy/flower girl - but it’s NOT in my budget to pay £50+ for the outfits/shoes/flowers and I highly doubt their parents want to pay it!

delboysskinandblister · 15/01/2019 21:06

It's their wedding. Equally these are your children. It's unfair for them to do this to the kids and not be aware of the impact. Could you have a word with the bride and point this out to them? Either all are involved or not at all. But that seems harsh as they are now involved and excited.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 15/01/2019 21:07

life’s not fair, it’s their wedding, their choice, your DD will get over it.

ourkidmolly · 15/01/2019 21:08

Mean and unnecessary. Why do people do this?

BackforGood · 15/01/2019 21:08

I'm with you OP
If you have 3 similar aged dc, and their uncle is getting married, I would expect either them all to be asked to be part of the wedding party, or none. It is fine not to ask them, but it is not fine to ask 2 but not 3.

Youmadorwhat · 15/01/2019 21:08

Yes it’s unfair but YABU to think you get a say in it to be honest, it’s their wedding so 🤷‍♀️

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/01/2019 21:11

She's not left out, she is invited, she just doesn't have a role. I honestly couldn't see you being bothered if you had an 8 your old boy who's two younger sisters had been picked. Yes it's disappointing, but she still gets to wear a fancy dress (not the bridal colors) and have a lovely time at her uncles wedding. It'll only be an issue if you make it one.

Drum2018 · 15/01/2019 21:11

YABU. If they have enough flower girls then so be it. Looks like flowergirls/bridesmaids will be from brides side and Paige boys from grooms side. I wouldn't say anything. It looks petty if you ask for a role for your dd. She'll be at the wedding so is not really being left out.

WoahBaby · 15/01/2019 21:12

I feel sad for your DD OP, I'm sorry she is missing out. Shame on the bride and groom tbh, they're being very insensitive and expecting a young girl to understand adult reasons for not including her. Could you make a huge fuss of her for the day? Special new dress and shoes? I wouldn't know how to approach the couple about this. Hope their reason isn't just over money, all this over an extra 50 quid. Sometimes it's worth shifting budgets around to not break little hearts. But maybe I'm old fashioned for wanting to involve family in my wedding!

Amallamard · 15/01/2019 21:12

Do the boys know yet? If not I would politely decline on their behalf and explain it would cause too much upset for your DD to be left out. It's up to them then if they would prefer to include her or to not have the boys. They probably haven't realised it would be upsetting.

lastqueenofscotland · 15/01/2019 21:13

For the love of god DO NOT ask if she can be included

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2019 21:14

Ahhh that is not good, poor thing, at that age, they will really feel it. Can you not have a word with your brother about it. If not, I would get her a 'bridesmaid' type dress for the day, and she can be an honourary bridesmaid.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2019 21:15

Or just decline your boys, if they ask why, tell them.

Cranky17 · 15/01/2019 21:15

Whilst I think it’s really shitty behaviour, I don’t think you should ask her to be included, they have made their choice.
However on the day when she’s sitting in the pews and not part of the party there will be a few raised eyebrows from the guests on both sides

llangennith · 15/01/2019 21:17

Very thoughtless. I would say you'd rather the two boys were not pageboys if their sister isn't a bridesmaid. Be nice about it. Say you quite understand if they don't want an extra bridesmaid but you cannot allow your boys to be pageboys as this would greatly upset your DD.

greendale17 · 15/01/2019 21:17

It seems fair to me. He has chosen the male wedding party and the bride has chosen the female.

^I agree

Moussemoose · 15/01/2019 21:18

Good grief weddings and tradition cause misery and make a little girl sad and people shout "wedding". Like that's an excuse.

She's 8, she will feel left out and it will make her sad BUT "wedding" makes an adult treating an child this way fine.

picklemepopcorn · 15/01/2019 21:18

I was pushed into having all my nieces as bridesmaids, rather than just the eldest.

It is completely unreasonable to expect these things to be done according to what seems 'fair' to a relative.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 15/01/2019 21:19

Just buy her a pretty dress and don't make a big deal out of it. It's not your wedding.

OyOy · 15/01/2019 21:20

get her a 'bridesmaid' type dress for the day, and she can be an honourary bridesmaid.

Please don't do this!!!

Ultimately it's their wedding their choice, suck it up and be happy for them, see it as a resilience building lesson for your daughter?

If you don't make it a big deal then it won't be? She may feel very 'grown up' if you play it right.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/01/2019 21:20

As others have rightly commented, it's their wedding. And these are also your children. Just as your brother has the right to exclude only one of them from their party of attendants, you have the equal right to decline their invitation for the boys to participate. And this is what I'd do.

As for letting it ruin your relationship with them, as another PP cautions against: it's always surprising how when someone's family members behave this way that those on the receiving end are often urged to capitulate to their exclusionary behaviour and not 'rock the boat' for fear of upsetting them. To blazes with that; and with what others do or don't see as 'fair'. Your daughter's feelings come before your brother's.

A good compromise would be to attend the wedding with all your children rather than let any of them act as attendants. It's difficult to see how this could offend anyone. But it's a shame that so many marrying couples are so bent on 'their day' being all about them that they tend to forget if they choose to share that day with others then it's polite to consider them too.

YANBU.

Ren8Bo · 15/01/2019 21:21

At the end of the day its their wedding.
If you think its unfair then don't let the boys take part.
Its quite simple.

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