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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 15/01/2019 21:38

Bride's side for bridesmaids and groomsmen gets to pick his groomsmen. I absolutely see why you DD has not been chosen. While I agree it is a little bit mean to exclude one little girl I do think YABU. Sorry OP you are just going to have to sort this one our for yourself.

You can still make your DD feel special. Go shopping with your DD and buy both of you matching dresses. I suggest Monsoon.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/01/2019 21:38

I really couldn't get this upset about someone else's wedding, even my brother's. Be happy your boys have been asked, explain to your daughter that bridesmaids are picked by the bride and enjoy a day out. She will still have a lovely dress because it's a wedding.

notangelinajolie · 15/01/2019 21:39

Sorry typo.
*groom.

Orchidflower1 · 15/01/2019 21:40
  1. it’s not your day/ your daughters day it’s the bride and grooms day
  2. obviously bride picked her attendants from her side groom picked his ones from his side.
  3. if she’s old enough to understand at 8 she’s old enough to see WHY she wasn’t picked.
  4. donor say anything - you’ll look entitled and bitter
  5. get her (dd) a nice but not bridesmaidy dress - you cant shove her on photos just as she has a pretty dress on.
  6. breathe , relax and be glad you’ve not got to do the planning
  7. take a family photo ( not via official photographer ) and have that in your album.

Hope that helps !

CheesecakeAddict · 15/01/2019 21:40

I remember when I got married and a few people were upset that I didn't have their daughters as bridesmaids. 8 little girls expected to be bridesmaids. I decided no children were going to be part of the wedding party for this reason and each individual family thought I was being mean not having their dd as a bridesmaid. Can you imagine?!

AliceRR · 15/01/2019 21:40

I agree with those saying YABU to expect that your daughter had to be in the bridal party. If your brother had chosen his pageboys and the bride has chosen her bridesmaids then that’s up to them. She doesn’t have to have your daughter as a bridesmaid just because it suits you. If it has to be all the children for them to be involved then you have the right to say no to your boys being involved and you can say why.

Survivingchipandkippee · 15/01/2019 21:41

Does the bride-to-be have nephews?

AhNowTed · 15/01/2019 21:42

I cannot believe some of these replies. Seriously 🙄

The groom is picking the groomsmen on his side.

The bride is picking the bridesmaids on her side.

This is totally normal.

Your daughter is invited.

You cannot dictate that the bride have your daughter over her own family.

Anyone suggest you decline the invite is being bloody ridiculous.

MarchionessOfMayhem · 15/01/2019 21:43

Please decline the offer of page boy roles for your DS’s. I think this is a really spiteful thing to do to your DD.

I’m projecting a little but I had really low self esteem as a child and the thing I wanted to be more than anything was a bridesmaid. Two of my Uncles promised I could be a bridesmaid when they got married but neither asked me when it came to it. Then a cousin (who was engaged at the time) said I could be her Bridesmaid and she also changed her mind. Each time the bridesmaids picked were ‘prettier’, ‘cuter’ etc! All my cousins were picked apart from me. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it pretty much crushed any self esteem I had left. I felt I Wasn’t good enough - even for members of my own family.

What made it worse was the cousin who said she’d ask me to be bridesmaid and then didn’t ‘gave me a job’ on the wedding day - taking the guest book round for everyone to sign. Can you imagine how boring and awkward it was for a child to have to approach random people (often who were drunk) to ask them to sign the book?!

So please don let your ‘DD’ be palmed off with a ‘job’ at the wedding - it just adds insult to injury! Especially when you have to watch your cousins flouncing around in the bridesmaid dresses having fun whilst you’re stuck with a crappy ‘job’!

Sorry rant over! Angry Grin

cravingmilkshake · 15/01/2019 21:43

Yabu- it's their wedding and can have who they like. They may want matching numbers for bridesmaids and having another one/flower girl may not fit.

You can't say anything, you have to suck it up.

AliceRR · 15/01/2019 21:45

It is not “spiteful” for bride to choose her own bridesmaids!

diddl · 15/01/2019 21:45

Has the bride also got nephews who would have to be pageboys if your daughter was a bridesmaid?

Would your sons be bothered about being pageboys?

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/01/2019 21:46

At weddings i've been to, children who aren't part of the bridal party give horseshoes and throw confetti and get dressed up in their party outfits and have a great time. At ours we also allowed everyone to get their own family shot done, (either with or without us!), photographer was perfectly happy to do this as it means he gets more photo orders.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 15/01/2019 21:46

Surely a happy girl's face is more important than wedding etiquette? Hardly setting herself up for a popularity award is she? And db should be saying something imo.

Burlea · 15/01/2019 21:47

Our DD was the first girl in 4 generations, Bil and Sil did everything they could to exclude her in everything the family did. I put up with it until one day she was about 2, when me and DH overheard them both laugh when they invited DS (3) to their sons party (3) and not her. You should of seen their faces when I ripped them off. Haven't spoken to them since.
Your DD's feelings are more important than theirs.

Bitlost · 15/01/2019 21:48

I would never leave a child aside, boy or girl. I think it’s rude and those bloody wedding rules and traditions and those who follow them are quite frankly inane.

MarchionessOfMayhem · 15/01/2019 21:48

It is spiteful - this little girl is going to be the bride’s niece once she’s married and she’s perfectly happy to leave her out when it seems all other nieces and nephews are involved? Seems spiteful to me!

TicketyBoo83 · 15/01/2019 21:49

🙄

AntiBi · 15/01/2019 21:50

Do you know what, a friend of mine had loads of bridesmaids/page boys at her wedding. She basically said 'whoever wanted to be one could; they could wear whatever they liked - just to let her know'. And I thought 'what a fab idea'. No fixation on everything matching; no child excluded; love, laughter, enjoyment all around. I admired her so much for that.

You are not being unreasonable OP. Does it not occur to the bride and groom that your child will feel left out?

What can you do about it? You take your child on a lovely 1-1 trip somewhere the day of the wedding. Who is more important? Your partner can go to the wedding with the kids who've been chosen. Tbh, I'd veto the whole thing as a family. Spend the money on a fab day trip for you all. Reinforce family bonds. And just explain to the bride and groom how upset dd was. The kindest view is that they're so fixated on their wedding that they have just neglected the feelings of a little girl by accident.

taza87 · 15/01/2019 21:51

In organising my own wedding I asked my fiance if he wanted anyone from his side in the bridal party. He wants his nieces included, so they will be included. Sounds like that conversation never happened

AliceRR · 15/01/2019 21:51

We don’t know the full situation or who else either side is “leaving out”. Anyone who has got married knows it’s difficult to keep everyone happy. You have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to the guest list and wedding party

MyMuffinsStuck · 15/01/2019 21:52

I agree it is the couple's choice but, if I had done this at my wedding it would have meant my husband picking his nephew as page boy but the twin sister not being involved. It would have broken my heart, let alone hers to leave her out!

I echo the above that surely if you are having two out of three children from the same family in your wedding party, your moral compass will tell you it's not fair for the third to be left out? I couldn't and wouldn't do that. Just my opinion but to me YADNBU.

Tinkety · 15/01/2019 21:53

Does the bride have nephews & are they participating?

TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 21:53

@AntiBi I love that idea!! 💕

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/01/2019 21:53

Doesn’t do much for the idea of a wedding being to unite two families ...so what if there was 1 extra bridesmaid, if it made my niece happy as a grown up I would put her in the wedding!

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