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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 21:54

Sorry, the bit about anyone being a bridesmaid and just getting an outfit and letting her know, so cute x

Gatehouse77 · 15/01/2019 21:55

What's fairness got to do with it?

We went the other way and chose to have none. I've no idea if nieces and nephews (all on DH's side) or their parents had an opinion on it and wouldn't have cared too much if they had. It was our choice. Not sure why people think they have any 'rights' when it comes to weddings - from either perspective.

parrotonthesofa · 15/01/2019 21:56

It's mean

BackforGood · 15/01/2019 21:56

If not, I would get her a 'bridesmaid' type dress for the day, and she can be an honourary bridesmaid.

Do NOT do this Shock

I think that is really unkind, or at least thoughtless of them, but I'm not sure what you can do about it, other than ask your brother if there is some 'role' she can do, to feel a bit more included.
As someone suggested upthread - could she not be an usher (traditionally asked by the groom ?

CatnissEverdene · 15/01/2019 21:56

I don't think it is deliberate, but it's just a bit thoughtless.

I'd just say that you're a bit uncomfortable with one of your DC being left out, so it's better that you're all in the congregation and can enjoy it all together as a family.

Cucumbum · 15/01/2019 21:56

Unless there are page boys chosen from the bride's side, YABU. I have 2 young daughters that my brother (engaged) absolutely adores. I have zero expectation that they will play any part in his wedding. If they do great, but if not, that's also fine as it their wedding not mine.

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/01/2019 21:58

I don't think it is deliberate, but it's just a bit thoughtless

The OP should just send a decline, a card and a nice present. Then go somewhere for a nice day out. If the OP's husband has any sense he will do the same. It would be pathetic to "say that you're a bit uncomfortable with one of your DC being left out", as that looks like pleading for them to change their mind. The couple are entitled to invite whoever they want. It's an invitation, not a summons, right?

SheldonTheWonderShlong · 15/01/2019 21:59

Piss off with your 'YABU. It's their wedding'. You cannot leave 1 of the kids out. Why the fucking hell would you? It's cruel.

I'd ask why they left her out. Yes it's their wedding but have a fucking heart for GOD'S sake.

MyTeaMouse · 15/01/2019 22:00

Honestly I think it's a great lesson. It's not your daughters day. The day has nothing to do with her. I'd be disappointed in my daughter if she couldn't see that and kicked a fuss. It's about showing up for her uncle and e new aunt. It's perfectly reasonable for the groom to have chosen the groomsmen from his side and for the bride to choose the bridesmaids from hers. Everyone has to draw a line somewhere and that was their line . Absolutely not falling out over and it would be downright awful to not go to own brothers wedding over this.

DeRigueurMortis · 15/01/2019 22:00

I first I read your post as her not being invited, which would be unreasonable.

However not being a bridesmaid I'd argue is less so.

I do understand where you are coming from but i don't think you can demand that your DD is a bridesmaid.

All you can say if you feel strongly about it, is that you'd rather none of your children were part of the wedding party rather than some of them as (given their ages) it's difficult for them to understand why the boys are included but your daughter not.

UnicornSlaughters · 15/01/2019 22:00

It's shitty to leave one child of the family out. I would decline the pageboy invite, and be truthful about why.

winewont · 15/01/2019 22:03

Marchioness I hear you Flowers

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 15/01/2019 22:04

I think it depends how many nieces and nephews there are. If the bride has also left out her nephews, then I suppose it's fair. It would look ridiculous and be stupidly expensive to have twenty kids going down the aisle, so I would swallow that.

On the other hand, if your DD is the only neice/nephew not included, then it's bloody mean of them.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2019 22:04

It is spiteful, op DD is her future husbands niece, wedding etiquette would go out the window. It is mean.

SuziQ10 · 15/01/2019 22:07

Think it's quite a lot to expect them to have all 3 kids involved in the wedding especially if she's got family on her side to consider too.

Personally I only had 2 adult bridesmaids and my dd(3yo) as flowergirl in my bridal party. I'd have loved to have had others but knew I couldn't due to the politics of then others or their parents feeling like they were overlooked, but you can't have everyone.

My husband's half sister (14) was offended not to have been asked despite my XS bridal party. It caused issues so at the last min she was asked to be an usher-et . Just let the wedding couple get on with it. It's no big deal just a day.

Deadbudgie · 15/01/2019 22:08

I don’t think it’s unfair. There’s a perfectly logical explanations ie he chose his wedding party (boys) and she chose hers (girls). At 8 your DD should be able to understand

HairyToity · 15/01/2019 22:11

I couldn't envisage getting married and not having my husband's nieces as flower girls. However I'd just rise above it. It's not worth the family fallout. If you can afford it buy your daughter the loveliest dress you can find, with new matching shoes, and her hair all pretty. If she's old enough I'd even get a hairdresser to do it.

Good luck.

Hippee · 15/01/2019 22:11

AntiBi - do I know you? I wasn't picked as a bridesmaid at my godmother's wedding (I was about 8 and desperate to be a bridesmaid) and I was soooo disappointed. When I got married I told every guest with a little girl that they could be a bridesmaid if they wanted to be - they didn't have to come up the aisle with me, but they all got a bridesmaid dress - I think I had seven in the end (I went to the Laura Ashley sale and bought the same dress in every size).

Really sad that your brother and fiancee don't realise that they really make your DD's day by including her. I would decline for the boys and just go as a family.

HariboLecter · 15/01/2019 22:12

Do kids not get taught that you don't get to do everything you want to do, anymore?

Cattus · 15/01/2019 22:16

Don’t ask for your daughter to have a role but do feel free to decline for the boys if you want to.

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/01/2019 22:16

Do kids not get taught that you don't get to do everything you want to do, anymore?

Do brides and grooms not get taught that you don't get to do everything you want to do, anymore?

5foot5 · 15/01/2019 22:24

Does your DD know the little girls who are to be bridesmaids?

They are all cousins so presumably know each other quite well. If your DD had been asked she might feel a bit awkward anyway and the outsider.

Frankly I think the bride and groom have bee perfectly reasonable and am surprised at some of the responses here.

NailsNeedDoing · 15/01/2019 22:24

It's their wedding, not a dress up party for children, perfectly normal for the bride to choose the female attendants and the groom to choose the male. If your dd isn't close to your brothers girlfriend, why would she be bridesmaid?

Just make a big deal of shopping for her dress and getting ready on the morning, she'll still have a lovely day.

AllMYSmellySocks · 15/01/2019 22:26

Do kids not get taught that you don't get to do everything you want to do, anymore?

Yes and they also get taught to be considerate and kind and not leave out one person. If OP's DD wanted to be bridesmaid and couldn't that would be one thing. being the only niece or nephew not involved is mean.

Kariana · 15/01/2019 22:33

It's quite normal for the bride to pick the female participants and the groom to pick the male ones. Not everyone does it this way obviously but it's not unusual. I think it just sounds like they've been thoughtless but it's not something I'd rage about. Just explain to your dd that this is what often happens.

After my wedding I regretted that I never suggested my brother as a groomsman (dh would have been fine with it). It wasn't because I wanted him left out, I just didn't think.