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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 child left out.

294 replies

Mummyomg · 15/01/2019 20:01

My brother and his fiancee have set a date for their wedding later this year. He has asked for my 2 sons (His nephews) to be pageboys (aswell as his other nephews). My daughter (His only niece) is not a bridesmaid. The bride's own 2 or 3 nieces will be bridesmaids. My daughter is not in the wedding at all, wasn't even given a choice. The children will be 5, 6 and 8 at the time of wedding. The youngest two are the boys.
Am I wrong in thinking that it's not fair on my daughter to be left out, or is this usual? We've not had a wedding in the family for years so I don't know what is normal.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 18/01/2019 18:12

I suppose this is often why couples choose not to have children at their wedding.
It avoids all this fuss.

choli · 18/01/2019 19:26

I suppose this is often why couples choose not to have children at their wedding.
It avoids all this fuss.
Not really. There will always be that parent who thinks her golden children are the exception and should be invited, and will make a big fuss.

GreenTulips · 18/01/2019 19:42

It’s more about them getting ready

Bride doesn’t want a young child there while she dresses and has a glass or two.

FWIW I’m one of 4 girls and when a cousin got married she only asked for one of us to be bridesmaid - we drew straws - nobody fell out

Yabbers · 18/01/2019 20:11

FWIW I’m one of 4 girls and when a cousin got married she only asked for one of us to be bridesmaid - we drew straws - nobody fell out

Why can’t people get their heads round the world of difference between being one of many left out and being the only one left out.

I suspect if your cousin asked all the others except you, you might have felt differently at 8 years old.

reallyanotherone · 18/01/2019 20:14

FWIW I’m one of 4 girls and when a cousin got married she only asked for one of us to be bridesmaid - we drew straws - nobody fell out

I think that’s fair. Better way to choose than picking the ones with penises and leaving one out because she is female.

And i don’t mean she should be a bridesmaid. Nothing to stop the groom inviting her to “be an usher”- she can don a pretty dress and show people to seats. Still has a title and a part in the wedding.

Yabbers · 18/01/2019 20:14

Well clearly I'm a right bitch then cos I'm having my sister and niece as bridesmaids and my nephews aren't included and I'm not having my fiancé's nieces because a) I've met them once and b) I can't afford 5 bridesmaids!!

Are you picking all except one?

Fairylightfurore · 18/01/2019 20:14

Can't she be a page- girl?

reallyanotherone · 18/01/2019 20:46

Can't she be a page- girl?

No. Because grooms only have boys in their wedding party. No penis, no wedding.

The more I learn about all this wedding crap the happier I am that we eloped.

MightyMoose · 18/01/2019 21:42

She's being singled out because of her sex! She's not one of three boys and being left out. The groom chooses from the people who possess a penis. Don't like it? Do it differently at your wedding! This couple have gone the traditional route and it's not exactly outlandish!

2isabella2 · 18/01/2019 21:46

This thread makes for very sad reading. Thankfully among my family we treat our nieces and nephews equally whether they have a penis or not or whose side of the family they come from.

I did laugh at the poster who chose her bridesmaids based on their height though!

BackforGood · 18/01/2019 21:53

The bride, traditionally chooses her bridesmaid to be someone (or two) who will help her on the day and support her. The Groom asked a man close to him to be 'best man'. Then the couple think about who would do a good job as an usher. So, those saying 'tradition' dictates the bride picks girls and the groom picks boys. Obviously small children aren't going to do either of those things. The children aren't there to help, they are just there either (or both) to feel included, or to 'look nice' for the photos. Therefore, it doesn't matter whose niece or nephew it is, by blood.
In this case, the B&G have been together as a couple and involved with the OP's family for 10yrs - longer than the dd has been alive. This isn't about strangers - the Bride has been involved in the life of the dd for 8 years - ALL her life.
They should invite all the dc to be involved or none. Leaving one out is either incredibly mean or incredibly thoughtless.

Combineharvester · 18/01/2019 22:19

Maybe tell DD that her brothers have been asked because they’re boys and you’re on the groom’s side of the family so he picks boys. You could tell her she’s lucky not to have any “work” to do on the day and can just enjoy it, something like that? Nice new dress and do her hair for her?

Auntiepatricia · 18/01/2019 22:46

Oh god, this is all so precious.

IdleBetty · 19/01/2019 01:19

Yabbers I'm with you. Not sure why people are talking about different scenarios.

Not one person has agreed they have intentionally left out their OWN niece/nephew and ALL other nieces/nephews played a part.
As in the case of the OP.

Valanice1989 · 19/01/2019 13:07

I understand it's a good life lesson, but it's a very cruel public one. An entire day of people asking Infront of her why she wasn't in the wedding and her brothers were.

I don't think anyone's going to ask that once, never mind all the way through the day!

on the day when she’s sitting in the pews and not part of the party there will be a few raised eyebrows from the guests on both sides

No one's going to care (from what the OP says, even her daughter won't). The page boys are from the groom's side and the bridesmaids are from the bride's. The line has to be drawn somewhere. No one's going to bat an eyelid.

People are completely overreacting. I can't believe people are telling the OP to miss her own brother's wedding over this!

As a PP said, if the OP refuses to let her sons be page boys so that their sister isn't left out, then if the opportunity ever arises for her daughter to be a bridesmaid she'll have to refuse in the name of fairness.

Jux · 19/01/2019 16:39

AuntiePatricia, you're so right.

This is only a problem if you choose to make it one. Don't.

Improve12 · 20/01/2019 09:54

definitely agree that its only a problem if you choose to make it one.
its about 2 people getting married. it should all be done in the spirit of helping. you shouldn't feel you are owed a title.
yes there is an option for page-girl. some couples don't mind that. however, I can understand couples wanting their bridesmaids etc to reflect their gender.
not the same gender as brothers and not old enough or related to bride yet. these are probably the reasons. boys will miss out on all this pretty wedding stuff more than your girl though. so again I woukdnt stress

Valanice1989 · 20/01/2019 14:36

I hated wearing dressy dresses when I was a kid. Many young girls do. And yet ‘but her a special dress’ is offered as a panacea for as assumed emotional upset throughout this thread.

Boys withheld from being page boys because a girl dies not have the opportunity to live the Ultimate princess dream as a bridesmaid.

I agree. I hated wearing dresses as a child - in fact, I was a flower girl as a toddler and my mum says I made a big fuss about not wanting to wear a dress! Like you say, it's interesting that the OP never said anything about her daughter being girly, yet so many people are advising her to buy her a pretty dress. It's strange, considering how much talk of breaking gender stereotypes you read on other threads.

GreenTulips · 20/01/2019 19:10

It's strange, considering how much talk of breaking gender stereotypes you read on other threads

Yep I agree, all the brides fault for not asking the niece, not grooms fault for not asking niece and only picking the boys -

Way of the world

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