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AIBU?

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Original poster

Marriage over Wwyd

179 replies

BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 10:19

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 15/01/2019 10:32

Do you really need to tell him you’re deeply in lust with another man at the moment? Seems a bit cruel to rub that in his face, you’ve literally just separated. You can be clear that the relationship is over without telling him how very quickly you’ve moved on. Especially since you have children involved, don’t you think they need time to digest this before they get to hear about how wonderfully happy you are?

thecatsthecats · 15/01/2019 10:38

Agreed. If you love him to pieces, you don't need to crush him with this news. Telling him would be more about you needing to tell than him needing to know.

Give it until the end of January, then sit down together to discuss how you go about properly separating, and keep your new love life to yourself.

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2019 10:40

I don't think you need to tell him this yet. He doesn't need to hear it.

It will make it harder to do the things you have to do next. Make practical and financial arrangements.

DoneLikeAKipper · 15/01/2019 10:42

In a practical sense as well, if you tell him now he can use it as part of your divorce. Does loverboy want to be dragged into a messy divorce as ‘the other man’?

IsoscelesSandwich · 15/01/2019 10:43

Give him more time, he’s finally dealing with his MH issues and this could derail him early in that process. There’s not much to be gained by telling him at this point.

TheShiteRunner · 15/01/2019 10:44

Don't tell him yet. Recognise in yourself that the new relationship is exciting because of its newness, and that it will become less zingy and amazing. You want to sing it from the rooftops right now, but you will hate yourself later on if you do that (believe me, I know.)

Bobbybear10 · 15/01/2019 10:45

Why do you need to tell him your ‘head over heels’ for another man?

What you do need to do is sit down together and work out how to go forward. Who is having the house, are you selling the business etc etc
You both need to move on now the marriage is over so you need to be putting steps in place to do that.

Could you move out? Would he move out? Living separately would be an important first step I would think. You will both need to seek legal advice ASAP.

I would think your time would be better spent meeting the divorce head on and dealing with that before declaring how you have found a new man and you’re happier than you’ve ever been.

Geminijes · 15/01/2019 10:46

You love him to pieces yet you freely slept with another man.
Don't you, at least, respect your husband as father of your children to have waited before sleeping with someone else?
Your poor children when they discover that their mother was still living with their father albeit separate bedrooms but slept with another man.

Lweji · 15/01/2019 10:46

As others, I'd push with the divorce and sort out the living arrangements as well as the business. It doesn't look like you need to figure out much apart from the practicalities of divorce.

The issue of the other man can be introduced later. Particularly because he could make things very difficult for you at this stage.

CrabbityRabbit · 15/01/2019 10:50

What everyone else said.

Keep your head down over the new man and sort out separating fully with compassion, fairness and practicality.

Lazypuppy · 15/01/2019 10:54

I'd be cqreful, if your husband finds out you have slept with someone else technically you have committed adultery. This could have an impact on your divorce

Pachyderm1 · 15/01/2019 10:58

Keep you new relationship quiet until your divorce is finalised. Your husband doesn’t need to know when he’s at a low point anyway. Sort your lives first and then when the dust has settled you can be open about your new relationship.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/01/2019 11:02

You need to get your divorce sorted out and figure out what’s going to happen to the business. I think you are going to find it hard to work together once your stbxh knows you have a new partner.
Agree with other posters, do not mention the new man. Not trying to be negative, but new relationships could also be a rebound thing, so definitely not worth mentioning at this stage.

sofato5miles · 15/01/2019 11:03

Jealousy can change the whole dynamic. I wouldn't tell.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/01/2019 11:05

Another vote for not telling him yet.

Also, don't move too fast with the new guy. He could be a rebound. Take some time for yourself first.

BlackberryandNettle · 15/01/2019 11:07

Another one for don't tell him yet. Why do you need to? It sounds as if you just want to get it over with when actually it would be better to wait. I'd move forward with sorting out separate living arrangements and divorce and when you do break the news, make it a factual 'in the time since we ended things I've started seeing someone new'

PatriciaHolm · 15/01/2019 11:13

Eh? You called your marriage off at Christmas and now, 15 days later, you have found someone else and you want to tell your husband??

If you slept with him a week ago, then all this after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights took what, a week?

Obviously, the marriage has effectively been over for you for quite some time, but it hasn't for him. It would be cruel to dump this on him now, and realistically you are in huge rebound - you barely know the new bloke, it could all be over again as soon as it started.

DistanceCall · 15/01/2019 11:15

and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else

No, you don't. You have separate lives now. And if he asks, gently tell him this.

Keep it to yourself.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 15/01/2019 11:18

I think your need to tell is all for your benefit, not for your kids, not for your stbx. You may feel love and swept away but on the possibility that this guy is a rebound and your feelings are more adrenaline based and a way to lessen your guilt and fear about the break up and future, I'd hold off.
6 months time you may well be shot of new guy as you really can't love him or know him in such a short time.

ResourcefullSAHM · 15/01/2019 11:22

Imagine if a man had come on here and said his wife had let herself go and was depressed but getting help and he had met another woman and was having amazing sex. He'd get ripped to sh!t.

I actually think you are coming across as quite selfish TBH. The decent thing for you to do would be to get your partner of considerable years, the father of your DC to a good place by supporting them in their depression, whilst amicably agreeing your split. Then move on with your life when it is finalised. Your emotional, now sexual affair may be great right now but you will be the one that will end up looking really bad. If one of my parents was sleeping with someone else whilst the other went through depression, even though they were splitting, I know which one I would side with. Also, as a teenager/ adult I would have nothing to do with a person who cheated with my parent and caused my other parent upset.

Just another perspective on it.

DistanceCall · 15/01/2019 11:24

I disagree that you shouldn't have a relationship while splitting up, even if your husband has depression. It sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time. And your life is your own.

But I do think you really need to keep it under tabs so as not to hurt anyone - both your husband and your children.

So enjoy it, but be extremely discreet about it.

Lweji · 15/01/2019 11:25

The only advantage of telling him about this new man would be if he used it as a reason for divorce, to speed it up. But your still husband could easily try to make it even more difficult and reject a mutual agreement divorce.

MrsMWA · 15/01/2019 11:26

Classic rebound. Don’t tell your DH and slow down. I remember feeling like this when my husband left (very similar, he was depressed but also had an OW). I met this guy, thought it was love, was going to move to NZ and my bestie put me straight. He was brutal and just said, it’s a rebound, you don’t love him. 6 months later it was over. Don’t burn your bridges with your DH just yet.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 11:26

I think you really need to get a grip on this giddiness you feel about the customer you are sleeping with. You ended things with your husband at Christmas and slept with him the first week of January. You need to calm right down and get some perspective before bringing this into your husband and children's lives.

Salmakia · 15/01/2019 11:29

In the meantime is pretty vague - does that mean that between the bust up in autumn and calling off your marriage at Christmas you met someone? Or does it mean between Christmas and now? It seems pretty soon. You husband came back after those 10 days to try and make it work, so for him your marriage has been over only since Christmas. It's not going to go down well to tell him you met someone else. It's unlikely he will believe it started after Christmas especially as this is a customer you have presumably known longer than a few weeks, potentially your husband could believe this man was a contributory factor to your bust up if he has been a part of both of your lives for a really long time.

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