Marriage over Wwyd

[BlownAway2019]

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

Thankyou orange, I've had some counselling which helped.me through some dark times with no support, and it helped me realise the marriage was over some time ago.

Mirialis, I wouldn't be comfortable moving the 14 yo it would mean uprooting schools. Equally I wouldn't be 100% comfortable leaving her here, esp with previous drink driving.

This is why we've been trying.to explore all avenues.

Thanks flumposie. It's been incredibly draining and emotional.

Mrs please rtft. I have existed purely for H and kids for 2 yrs, supporting them through quite a lot of shit, including my H endangering them by driving pissed amongst other issues.......

My "latest" shag buddy? I've never been unfaithful in my life until now, but been cheated on multiple times as previously stated so dfod.

Why can’t you just separate properly first? Doing it the way you want to do it is going to cause more chaos.

Ask him to leave and do it the right way.

so Blownaway, you recognise you are at breaking point, see the counsellor before you break and the whole house of cards crashes.

If he's such a danger to the kids why on earth are you planning on sending him to live with one!!!

How can he refuse you move out?

Capt, I have and am trying.to do it the right way. Hes refusing to accept.

Orange ty, I think I may well return to see them.

Fatty, at 18 she is an adult, albeit young. She is receiving an incredible amount of support from close family at the moment, and is aware what he did was wrong, she jumped in to try and talk him down after he started to take off with the 14 yo in the car whilst pissed. It's the 14 yo that would be subject to safeguarding and the main concern and family have been heavily involved in.supporting the 18 yo, young adult also, closely.

Obvs nobody else is seeing that H moving out of a PUB, when he is happy to dd with kids in the car might actually be a good idea?

Lweji he can't, but then the 14yo becomes an issue as I stated above, which is why all avenues are being explored.

I have read the whole thread. It's a collosal justification of your affair, and me,me,me, with no thought for the children from start to finish. The best thing you can do is end the affair, and concentrate on ending your marriage in a respectful and dignified manner. That is what would be best for your children. Do they not deserve that?

OP, I dont think this thread is helping ypu and maybe you should ask for it to be taken down if it's outing.

Fwiw, you have good reasons to end your marriage, if my dh drunk drove with my dc it would be over too. It's ok to not be in love with someone but to still care about their welfare, mumsnet can be very black and white.

It sounds like from what you said if you continue the new relationship everyone, including your kids, will find out and that will end up going very badly for you, as suddenly the new relationship will be to blame for the end of your marriage not the fact that it was over anyway. Your kids will take their dad's side.

As you've said the new man will wait, you need to ask him to wait until you're divorced and some water has gone under the bridge. You cab still be friendly but not in a relationship. Also consider that your youngest will be doing gcses, put them first.

Good luck.

OP what are you hoping to get from this thread?

Good Lord OP! Every single poster has said YABU! YABU!

Mrs, you may have read but you haven't comprehended. I'm assuming you're ok with mental abuse, excessive drinking, gambling, womanising and drink driving if all you've got from this is me me me. I've tried to do it respectfully many times, including.papers 9 months ago, simply to be ignored time and again, including 3.months ago and since Xmas. That sums up the last couple of years tbh. I haven't mattered for a long while apart from as a.skivvy and a crutch, no matter my feelings.

Do.you.not think that the kids have.picked up on this? Esp the eldest? I've hidden a lot and papered over cracks, for myself and also his behaviour, trying to get through until they were both a bit older, but also hoping it would improve. It hasn't and I am.unable to.do.more as regards trying to save the marriage, and he also refuses to accept it's totally done. He only admitted the dd was wrong 3 weeks ago, and I have protected the kids from a shit ton of stuff so don't lecture me.on.putting them 1st.

Givemesteel thank you, I think you are the first to acknowledge that I can still care deeply but not want to.go fwd together. All I've wanted for years is for him.to get help and well, for.himself foremost but also.me and the kids. If 1 positive comes.out of this shitfest it's that he's finally getting help.

Downtheroad, I guess I was hoping that someone had been through similar and advise. I don't know, it's an alien situation to me and one I never thought I'd find myself in. I've been through the.mill so much over the.last 2 year's that I have lost sight of myself I think

I didn't ask WIBU, I asked WWYD, and have been given plenty of food for thought, which I have tried to address as I go x

I think continuing to involve him in the business is a BIG mistake. If you divorce, you are no longer his wife, and you are no longer responsible for him. Stop feeling like you are.

He's treated you badly within the marriage, what the hell do you think he's going to be like when you're divorced??!! Do you really think you will be able to be polite towards him when he's endangering YOUR business with his behaviour?

To be fair, @BlownAway2019, you have drip-fed a lot in this thread. People may only be reading a few early posts before answering. It still doesn’t take from the fact you shouldn’t tell your husband about your current lover/boyfriend/fwb/whatever. It will do no good to anyone.

This thread is obviously stressing you out. It’s a frustrating read for others as well, it’s difficult to talk to an op who doesn’t seem to be taking anything on board, only acknowledges those who agree and shouts down those who don’t with ‘but poor me!’. Yes, it absolutely sounds like you need advice about separation and divorce, I personally suggest you start another thread about that.

However, on the simple matter of if you should tell your husband you’ve moved on, purely with the motivation to make him divorce you in anger, the overwhelming consensus is don’t do it. It’s up to you if you take it on board, but arguing here won’t change people’s opinions on that.

The more you post, the more it feels like you are trying to justify your own behaviour re. sleeping with another man while still living with your husband.
You do come across very self centered. Your husband may well have behaved badly but so are you now.

I've read and comprehended the thread.

Your husband has not behaved well, I agree.

That does not justify your affair.

Nothing justifies your affair - it is purely selfish and will cause hurt to people around you, most specifically your children.

Regardless of how your husband has behaved, your insistence on pursuing the affair is hugely selfish.

The only decent thing to do, for the sake of your children, is to end the affair.

You refuse to do this. You are selfish. You are putting your own sexual kicks above what is best for your children.

There is no justification whatsoever that will make your continuation of this affair anything other than selfish. However many drip feeds you add. You are hurting the people around you. Your children deserve better than this.

You appear to have a lack of comprehension of and consideration for the feelings of other people.

Look, if you want to have an affair then have one - you don’t need the permission of a group of people on the internet. But please don’t keep bringing your husband’s behaviour to the table because it doesn’t make what you’re doing now any more or less acceptable. What you can see from this thread is that people are going to judge you regardless of anything you say to justify things - that may feel unfair but it’s what’s going to happen, you just need to own it if you’re going to go forward with the new guy.

I have every sympathy with your experience by the way. I left, then divorced, my ex after his depression turned him into someone I could no longer recognise or live with. To continue would have compromised my own mental health and I couldn’t let my child continue to live in such a dysfunctional situation. Actually my ex’s mental health improved massively a few months after I left (in retrospect I was enabling some of his behaviours). If I had moved onto another relationship before we’d even formally separated I really dread to think what he would have done, I think it very likely he would have harmed himself.

Having left a similar relationship I’d very much recommend leaving your new relationship alone for a while and concentrate on you and your children. It may be fun now but I guarantee it won’t be once the shit hits fan and others find out. When you start a new relationship you want to be nice - not tawdry and surrounded by hurt and gossip.

No one is saying your DH is amazing and that you are wrong to divorce but 99.9% ARE saying they would at least NOT tell your DH and kids about AP. and would pause the affair. You say you love your DH, you dont, you hate him from all the drip feed.

Do what you want, you obviously are going to, so posting was pointless. Just don't justify your selfishness by citing his bad points, it's not pertinent.

I don't blame you for having an affair. Your kids may feel the same if they've been watching the way you've been treated over the years. I'm sure they love their dad. Doesn't mean they think his treatment of you or them is ok.

People on here are generally black and white about adultery. Affair = selfish. Quick to tell you your kids will never speak to you again.

I think there's a balance to be found and agree you should meet some of your own needs.

That said. I still wouldn't tell your dh. It can only make the divorce harder. He may drag his heels. And it will be bad for you. It's all people will remember. Not everything that went before.

I wasn't blaming. The OP is in a big mess, she has children. A new relationship is risky and foolish right now.

If/when the husband finds out the shock waves will be unbearable.

Shockwaves? It's possible Orange. Or maybe not. He's shown a long history of not really being bothered about the op or the safety of their children.

Although I still agree, best for the OP if he doesn't find out.

at 18 she is an adult, albeit young. She is receiving an incredible amount of support from close family at the moment, and is aware what he did was wrong, she jumped in to try and talk him down after he started to take off with the 14 yo in the car whilst pissed

Mrs, you may have read but you haven't comprehended. I'm assuming you're ok with mental abuse, excessive drinking, gambling, womanising and drink driving if all you've got from this is me me me. I've tried to do it respectfully many times, including.papers 9 months ago, simply to be ignored time and again, including 3.months ago and since Xmas. That sums up the last couple of years tbh. I haven't mattered for a long while apart from as a.skivvy and a crutch, no matter my feelings

Do.you.not think that the kids have.picked up on this? Esp the eldest?

But, whilst you have subsequently said you are exploring all avenues, you said your preferred solution was for him to go and live on his own with her and let family members who live nearer than you take on the massive support she would need in that situation whilst also studying.

As I said, this is really flagging that you have lost it and need to take a BIG step back. As I said, I'm sure you are also behaving like this because you are at breaking point having felt dumped on for years but you cannot pass the buck onto your 18 year old daughter when you have already said how badly this has affected her (pleading with him to get help for his depression, trying to talk him down when drunk and taking her younger sibling in the car).

I know how much you feel you need this "fun" with your pub customer but please, please, please just get everything else with living and financial arrangements for your kids and husband sorted first. This is not your kids' mess to sort out.

So you hve strong feelings about a man you’ve only been in a relationship for 3 weeks with and want to tell your husband your in another relationship when he’s seeking medical help for depression

Also what about your children in all this? You need to get a grip!

It’s seems all very calculated!