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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage over Wwyd

179 replies

BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 10:19

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

OP posts:
Sephyjune · 15/01/2019 16:15

Don't tell him yet! I don't mean to undermine your feelings and I'm honestly not trying to or saying you don't feel strongly for this guy, but sometimes you fall for someone when leaving someone else as it makes the breaking up easier? I might be wrong but you're not leaving you husband FOR this guy, and you don't want it to seem like you are. I'm just thinking what advice id give a close friend in this situation and I'd say don't tell him yet. Youll forever be seen as the bad guy leaving gor someone else when that's not the case. Leave him for good (ask him to move out) and see where the other thing goes before telling him. Good luck, I know this must be so difficult for you x

orangecushion · 15/01/2019 16:19

What is to be gained by rushing head long into this new relationship?

Of course its way too late but ex partner will be different with 6 months of antidepressants in him.

Tractortod · 15/01/2019 16:25

OP why post if you didn't actually want to listen ? No one was going to tell you what you're doing is fine. It's bad timing and OM has said he will wait. - quite honestly I think you could have atleast tried to find a new shag that wasn't one of your regulars. If you've been so unhappy for so long you might consider stretching your legs further than the pub doors and give your self time to readjust to life outside of your marraige before embarking on a new romance.

You describe a very unhappy marraige and no one disputes that you shouldn't leave if that's what you need to do, and if your husbands attempts at change and help are too little too late then that's a tragic reality for him.

But you having an affair and then telling him about it! Bad move for all. Come on OP, wake up. OM isn't your knight in shining armour. He's a convenient distraction.

EhlanaOfElenia · 15/01/2019 16:28

DON'T ADD HIM TO THE BUSINESS!

Sorry to shout, but you are far better off buying him out and running it yourself if at all possible. It sounds as though you pretty much have been for a few years anyway.

Keep quiet about your new relationship, for both your sakes.

You are getting divorced and it is more likely than not to get nasty at some point. Do you REALLY want to run a business with someone who is angry with and nasty to you?!

I don't blame you one bit, there is only so many times someone can be pushed away before they give up and leave true relationship. Good luck.

londonrach · 15/01/2019 16:35

Op..i really dont understand why people jump onto someone else so quickly and i mean both sexes here. Give yourself time to be by yourself and recover from dh. If new man is interested he wait. Take a huge backstep here and sort out dh and the divorce and look after yourself. Nows not a good time to start a new relationship. Sorry im sure you ignore this advice but rebound relationships usefully fail as its intense and quick.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:37

Geminijes over the last 3 month's of talking, he has accepted that the last 2 year's have been exceptionally hard for me and that he has refused to deal with issues. He knows that and why, and that is also being dealt with but.not something.i can go into.on here. Trust me, you are only hearing part of the story but it's what I have missed out that is relevant, not anything that he could add.

To a couple.of pp, yes we are separated, living as housemates and yes everyone relevant is aware of that.

It was 9 months ago that I gave him divorce papers as a desperate attempt to get him to seek help after 2 years of misery for us. His family have also implored.him over several years and, as he recently admitted, he simply buried his head rather than face it. This has been going.on years and has resulted in drinking womanizing and gambling stretching back over 30 years, some.of which I was unaware of, or at least the extent, when we married. This is his 3rd marriage, which I was aware of, but was mislead on aspects of the first 2 which he came fully clean about recently. I can't go into further detail on that. I KNOW he has mental health issues, it's the.lingstanding refusal to deal with those which has ground me down to this point.

The rented house is a 3 bedroom so nonissue with him staying there.

I'm trying.to answer point by point so forgive me if I've missed anything.

As I've said, it's shitty timing, massively but I cannot keep rubbing along only to deal with this again.in 3 6 or 9 months, which is what he will expect. Indeed what's been happening for ages. If he won't accept it's done then what else can I.do other than move out myself, which would mean the collapse of the business and put us ALL in the shit financially?

OP posts:
mirialis · 15/01/2019 16:40

The rented house is a 3 bedroom so nonissue with him staying there with your 18 year old daughter, 3 hours away from you?

And you say he is depressed and has been for years, needs counselling, drink driving, and things are only going to get worse when he finds out you a sleeping with one of the pub customers...

Have you thought about the impact this is going to have on your daughter who you said has already been pleading with him to get help and been distressed by it?

?!?!

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:43

Tractor I am trying.to explain in more detail as beat I can whilst still keeping some very identifying details private, I can assure you it's not about not.listening but about trying.to extricate myself.

Elania, it's a source of income for both of us going forward, for various reasons he would struggle to find another job so the business supporting both households is the only feasible way forward atm and long discussed. Adding him gives him some reassurance that I won't.simply close it, liquidise the assets and run, I really am trying to do the best for us BOTH going forward financially.

Londonrach I am well aware of all this, and it's really the last thing I expected tbh. It's hit me like a ton of bricks and after pl3asing and bending to the will of mothers for so long maybe I am being selfish but part of me just thinks fuck it, have some fun girl after a tough few years. I certainly wouldn't have chosen for this to happen much less now.

OP posts:
orangecushion · 15/01/2019 16:45

I am struggling to comprehend this scenario. A business, a failed marriage, 2 children and a new relationship with a customer?

Take a step back and book a counsellor.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:46

Mirialis she also has support from other family, closer in distance than I and will continue to do so. He also has friends and family who will continue to support him, as will I as I can.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 15/01/2019 16:47

I agree it's shitty timing with this guy, and I truly wish it wasnt.
FFS it doesn't have to be - all you had to do was stay single and not jump into bed with him! You could have waited. You should have waited. You're trying to make out that everything is your husband's fault but the problem here isn't the impending divorce, your husband's behaviour, the depression or anything else but your getting involved with this other bloke. No-one would be saying that you shouldn't divorce if that's what you wanted (though your attitude towards depression sucks) - YABU because of the new shagmate and not having the decency to wait.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 16:47

You are being incredibly selfish. No doubt it's because you have reached breaking point but you need to stop it. Now.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:47

Others not mothers. So many typos, apologies.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:50

Yes im being selfish. Yes I'm at breaking point, to the point where I have been dealing with my.own mh issues. Point being I've dealt with them not ignored.

No I'm not trying to make out it's all his fault, I had my issues as a result of all of this playing out but I've dealt with them, with no support as I recognised I was going into a dark place.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:54

Range, I meant with him coming into the scene it's shitty timing. Yes maybe I'm being selfish but I've put others 1st for years, getting no further along. Do I not deserve at least the chance of a little happiness? I truly wish this had happened in a year but I can't alter that it's happened, unfortunately. I'm not the 1st to succumb to temptation and won't be the last, and it's something I've never ever done, despite being cheated on in the past. I feel bitchy enough about it, believe me.

OP posts:
mirialis · 15/01/2019 16:56

You are going to offload him onto your teenage daughter - 3 hours away from you - when he is at rock bottom and you are STILL making this all about you and your need to "have fun girl".

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 16:58

And mirialis it's 3 hrs by public transport as I don't drive, they both do and it's an hour by car.

OP posts:
mirialis · 15/01/2019 17:00

I really think you have completely lost it if you think that's ok.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 17:00

No I could.move out but it would close the business, which is what we are both trying to prevent. He also has the option of staying with family in the area to continue to get support, or to stay here and I will move out to family and come to the business daily. He has refused all of these so far.

OP posts:
orangecushion · 15/01/2019 17:01

If you are at breaking point, and I believe you are, PLEASE book a couple of sessions with a registered counsellor.

Do not make the excuse that you don't have the time or money.

If the new guy has anything about him he will support you.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 17:02

He cant' stop you moving out to family and coming to the business daily.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 17:03

What would happen to the 14 year old in that situation?

flumposie · 15/01/2019 17:03

Op I can empathise with a lot of what you are saying. Years of living with someone who makes you feel unloved, neglected and can't or won't help themselves there has to be a breaking point for your own self esteem. You are allowed to move on but I would just take it slowly with your new man.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 17:04

God talk about ignoring everything bar a throwaway comment. Conveniently forgetting I.could have thrown him out for.multiple issues culminating in drink driving, but didn't, STILL trying to help him.

I could have banned him from.seeing the kids, as has been advised on here many times in similar scenarios with.putting.kids in danger, but didn't. I could've thrown him.out and told him to go fuck himself financially but I haven't.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 15/01/2019 17:06

For God's sake just ditch the affair and sort out the end of your marriage in a decent, respectful manner.

Stop being so selfish.

No, you don't deserve to put yourself first and have some fun. You have children, they should be your priority. Your latest shag buddy is the last thing you should be prioritising.

No one is saying you shouldn't leave your marriage. We're saying stop having some tawdry affair with a customer and trying to justify it. You are going to end up hurting a lot of people, most likely including yourself, and definitely including your children.