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Original poster

Marriage over Wwyd

179 replies

BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 10:19

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

OP posts:
Ineedaholidayplease · 15/01/2019 12:46

Agreed!

mirialis Tue 15-Jan-19 12:43:15
She wants to carry on sleeping with this man and speaking to him for hours every day so that's why she wants to tell the husband so he'll bugger off to their rental property and not live at the pub with her.

goingonabearhunt1 · 15/01/2019 12:48

I agree with onecabbage, probably best to cool it with new relationship for now and if the new guy is for real he will understand this. Your emotions are probably high from everything you've gone through and the lack of attention from your husband so it's hard to know how long the new relationship will last at this stage.

It would be very hurtful for your H and DC to hear about how happy you are with the new man right now so focus on sorting out the practical aspects of the separation and keeping on good terms with their DF as far as is possible. I say this as someone whose parents had an unpleasant split, the results of which went on for years afterwards.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 12:55

Mirialis the business is mine alone at present, including the contract on the property so not quite as you put it, no. I'd be happy to move out but there are huge chunks.of our business that he cannot do, eg kitchen, paperwork etc.

As to him not getting help quickly enough, he's had almost 2 years where he has point blank refused to deal with it. That's not quick.

I am not in me.me me mode, I just cannot keep putting myself into this 100% when he has been absent in all but body for so long. I have supported him with many issues over the years, some quite major, and when I needed someone to lean on last year he just wasn't there, something he has acknowledged.

I've put everything I have into this marriage but when you are simply treated as a constant that will always be there it's very draining. Myself and eldest have been in tears on multiple.occasions begging him to get help and he just refuses. The drink driving was simply the final straw, and he knows that I am vehemently against that, let alone with the kids in the car.

I'm exhausted and simply cannot continue giving to everyone whilst my own health declines.

This has all been discussed over the last 3.months.

I'm well aware that this affair.may not last, but I have never ever felt.like this about anyone, not even H in the 1st flush when we met. Because of the circumstances regarding the business, if I want to go out I have to check it with him, so it would become apparent quickly, plus it's a small village. His one request of me was that bit j wanted to see someone else, that I tell him out of respect so that we could reevaluate. It's been a long 3 months for both of us and this is certainly not something I am undertaking lightly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 12:56

And no I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:
OutPinked · 15/01/2019 12:59

You also have two children to consider but haven’t mentioned them very much at all. I realise they aren’t young children but they still need to come first. Consider how they will feel if you not only tell them you’re divorcing their dad and that he’s moving out but also that you’re already seeing someone else?

You need to have more empathy for your now ex husband. If it were the other way around and you had been ill for a while which caused him to leave you in the end, how would you feel if he told you he’d already met someone else a fortnight after deciding to split for good?

You are essentially saying you have ended the 20 year relationship because he didn’t get help for his illnesses fast enough. You’re not going to get much sympathy.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:06

2 years of point blank refusing to deal with issues is not quick. I have helped.him through many issues over the years previously. I do have health issues myself which he has not been there for me.

I'm not asking for sympathy at all, as I said there are more details but 100% outing so won't post. Basically I've kept the family together for years throughout this, and he knows I've been unhappy a long while but ignored it and his own issues burying his head in the sand. I'm pleased he is finally confronting his demons just sad it has taken him drink driving, knowing that I hate that, to do it.

And of course I am mindful of the kids. The eldest doesn't live at home and is supported by us, the youngest is likely to be hit harder, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:08

're the kids, I've spent 2 unhappy years trying to limp along in the marriage, mainly for their sakes.

OP posts:
mirialis · 15/01/2019 13:09

You have said you need to tell him because you are together 24/7 (living and working at the pub) because he won't move out. You want to tell him because you want to carry on having sex and spending hours talking to the customer you've started seeing. Be honest with yourself here.

mrsm43s · 15/01/2019 13:11

The right thing to do would be to end it with the new man, and put your effort and energy in ending things amicably with your DH, ensuring that the break up is as smooth and painless as possible for your DC.

Once everything has been finalised, the dust has settled, and the children have had a chance to deal with the enormous life change that you've dumped on them, then that is the time to think about a new relationship. If this new man on the scene is serious about you, he will be happy to leave you completely alone for the year or so that it will take for you to concentrate on putting your children first, and dealing with the ending of your marriage. If he won't do that, then I'd suggest he's not as serious about you as you are leading yourself to believe.

The selfish thing to do would be to pursue this new relationship, regardless of the hurt and turmoil that will be caused to your DC and DH in the process.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 13:11

I'm not surprised he wanted to be told if you were seeing someone else in your small village. How humiliating on top of everything else. If this was the real thing with the new guy he would wait. If you cared as much as you have said you do about your husband of 20 years and the child that lives with you, you would wait.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:12

Mirialisz and ineedaholiday I could speak to him for hours daily whether H moved out or not, so that's really not an issue. If I thought there was any chance at All of saving the marriage I wouldn't have even entertained someon3 else.

My life has been on hold for yonks, there comes a time when I need to put myself 1st, for the 1st time in 20 years, something.ive never done. Sorry if that makes me selfish, but I've been there as his crutch all the time.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 15/01/2019 13:13

Don't your kids deserve to be put first?

Yes, putting yourself first in this way is selfish, incredibly so.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 13:13

It does make you selfish not to be able to wait a few months and actually deal with the end of your marriage actually. It's up to you what you do of course but it's why you are not getting the lovely handhold on here that you want.

User758172 · 15/01/2019 13:14

You sound very selfish. You don’t need to tell him anything. He’s already struggling, but you want to shag another bloke so think it will ease your conscience to be ‘truthful’ Hmm

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:16

New man has said he will wait, the timing is awful I appreciate that. I've put everyone else 1st for 20 years and been on hold myself for 2 whilst I supported the family. I would be happy to.move out but then the business would collapse as he can only do.part of it, and that would be far more harmful as then neither of us has an income and the rented house would also have to go, meaning we had no homes rather than 2. That would be good for nobody, least of all the kids. This has all been discussed at great length over the last 3.months.

OP posts:
mirialis · 15/01/2019 13:17

Great - new man will wait... SO WAIT.

User758172 · 15/01/2019 13:18

My life has been on hold for yonks

Carry on a bit longer then. No, there doesn’t come a time to put yourself first above your husband,’who is struggling to deal with his health and the ending of his marriage, and your children, who won’t think much of the way you’re treating their dad. I’d be disgusted if you were my mother and acting this way.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:18

I've limped along for 2 years pr3cisely FOR him and the kids so sorry, not sorry for wanting to put myself 1st for once, my own health has suffered cos of this as mentioned. It's ok I'll stay in a lifeless loveless sexless marriage and slowly drive myself into a grave tho, just so i wont be selfish Hmm

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 15/01/2019 13:21

Your life isn’t some cheap chick-lit, where you play the downtrodden mum who finally has the chance to sow her wild oats and be a ‘free woman’. You’re time as a mum hasn’t finished, hell until you see a lawyer your time as a wife hasn’t finished yet. Get a hold of yourself and stop living some fantasy. Once your divorce is in full motion, then see about perusing this, or any man you want. This is too soon and too raw for all involved.

Besides that, where is your self respect, your want to find yourself as an independent woman after all these years? You go from one mans wife to another’s shag buddy with no gap in between. Do you not want to be your own person?

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:21

MrsAriadne, so th3 fact that he has ignored everything for 2 years then, means nothing and i should carry on despite him ignoring it and my health needs? And you lot are calling me selfish? I think that seems to have been overlooked. Confused

OP posts:
KM99 · 15/01/2019 13:23

OP, I get you've put your life on hold for a good while now, but I'd recommend you pause until you make a clean break from your husband.

It could get even more complex and messy for all of you if you throw your new(ish) relationship into the mix. It could cause resentment and big problems with your kids too.

If it were me I'd be asking your new man to wait awhile until you get can things settled. It's great you've found this person and feel alive again but there are children and a business to think about.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 13:23

The divorce papers were actually filled in 9 months ago, and given to him. He chose to ignore them, and multiple issues from then until the drink driving, when he fucked off for 10 days, leaving me dealing with everything, inc the kids. But yes, I'm selfish.

OP posts:
User758172 · 15/01/2019 13:23

@BlownAway2019

Do you just want a handhold and everyone agreeing with you?

I do think the way you are behaving is selfish and cruel. New man will wait. So the decent thing and end your marriage first.

mrsm43s · 15/01/2019 13:23

No one is telling you that you have to stay in an unhappy marriage.

We are all saying that you have to do the decent thing and end your marriage appropriately and reasonably, and deal with the aftermath (particularly regarding your children) before embarking on a new relationship.

To do anything else will likely cause massive hurt to your children and irrevocably damage your relationship with them. What mother would put her new shag ahead of her children's well-being? Only an incredibly selfish one.

mirialis · 15/01/2019 13:24

Shagging new man is taking care of your health needs?