Marriage over Wwyd

[BlownAway2019]

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

If one of my parents was sleeping with someone else whilst the other went through depression, even though they were splitting, I know which one I would side with. Also, as a teenager/ adult I would have nothing to do with a person who cheated with my parent and caused my other parent upset

That's a good point. You are coming across as really pretty selfish here and we don't know or care about your DH.

I'm sorry, I agree with Resourceful and I think if I were you I'd hope it was a mid life crisis.

You have a husband, raised 2 children together, built a business, manage it jointly, realised things were dry. And then your husband took it all on board, started sorting himself out and you're not giving him a bit of grace period to improve and work together after all the life you've built.

It's very cliche.

If your new man is as nice as you say he is, he will be happy to date casually while you sort out your divorce. Deal with the end of your marriage and enjoy the thrill of a secret new lover but please don’t mistake this man for being your soulmate until you have been seeing him for another year or two.

There is nothing to be gained by either party by telling him.

You need to tie up the business and separate completely before making any new relationships official.

My ex did this to me - we agreed to split after the kids' exams so lived together without telling them for about 9 months (I should not have agreed to this). Obviously I was feeling like shit and obviously he wasn't having an affair as such (like he had previously) because we had agreed to split - it made me feel ten times worse, like he was kicking me when I was down. Why couldn't he have just waited a few months?

In the end I saw a solicitor who advised me to divorce him for adultery as it would be simpler than unreasonable behaviour (previous affair was too long ago) - so I did. He was a bit put out, but what did he expect?

You don't love lover boy, your simply listing over him because your husband let himself go. You could actually be the source of him descending into further depression when he's just on the mend. I think you're getting excited because your getting attention. You stayed with this man for 20 years and he switches off for 2 years and you want to call it quits. Help him, don't bring him down.

Your husband deserves to know. Does he think he still stands a chance?
Is he stupid enough to not see a change in you?

Don’t try to live a lie, it will catch up with you. You feeling bad now is nothing compared to being found out for keeping a relationship a secret from your (ex?) husband and children.

I think it’s fair to break it to him that you want to separate properly with a view to divorce. That’s enough for now. In the meantime either put the new man on hold ( he will wait if he’s serious but I don’t think you have any intention of doing this) or be properly discreet.

If you managed to separate and then gradually start seeing the new man you stand much more chance of an amicable divorce and causing your children heartache and a need to take sides.

Littlechocola, you really want the op to tell her husband - who has only just been diagnosed with depression - she’s committed adultery (in divorce terms)? It wouldn’t be wise on many levels. How do you advise she deals with the children when they inevitably find out?

Is he stupid enough to not see a change in you?

He is not a stupid man. He is a husband in love with his wife who is hoping the active changes he’s making will salvage a 20 year marriage. Him not ‘seeing the difference’ in the op would not make him stupid, it sounds like he already has a lot going on without realising his wife didn’t even let his side of the bed cool before sharing it with another bloke.

If one of my parents was sleeping with someone else whilst the other went through depression, even though they were splitting, I know which one I would side with. Also, as a teenager/ adult I would have nothing to do with a person who cheated with my parent and caused my other parent upset
This ^^.

Don't tell him , there's no point. It might make you feel better, but it will make him feel like shit.

though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together

This is the sad bit of your post. You have known him for 20 years and love him to pieces. I've been married for 20, together for 25 years and during that time we have had many bad times and I have learned that you can't be with someone for that long and not have some major storms which are sometimes your doing and sometimes out of your control.

I think at the very least you both need to go to relationship counselling before you move on. I wouldn't give up 20 years without a fight for it. I think you are having a mid life crisis. Can I ask how you will feel if he gets his act together (which he is), starts looking like his fab old self and starts dating again. How will you feel?

Sometimes I question the way things are with my DH as we have been together for 25 years. It can be very boring and he takes me for granted and vice versa. It happens. The thing is though I know that if I got diagnosed with something horrible tomorrow my DH would be there for me willingly and he would be devastated if anything happened to me and vice versa. I am bored at the moment and feel like I live with a sibling but I think this is a big bump in our marriage to be worked through because I know that I am going to be a long time old (hopefully) and when I think about that there is only one person I want to tootle round with and that is my DH. I don't ever want to trade that in for a short term romp which is probably what your new man is.

You are being a bit drastic, only just started this lust affair and it may not last. Everyone's relationship goes through dry patches so you're not alone there.

Just be friends with your partner for the time being and don't rock his boat. Your kids aren't going to be very impressed if you do.

(What is ED?)

Right this is.going.to be more outing but I need to clarify some details. We run a pub so yes it's going to be very hard going fwd. I've been very unhappy for a couple of years and he knows this. I'm also aware that you don't catch depression as one pp said and I've been trying to get him to deal with it for well over a year, he refused.

When I say about hygiene, he wore the same clothes for a week, didn't brush his teeth for a fortnight and such, despite me nagging. Major turn off.

Of course I have respect for him, but he has had little for himself or me over the last year or so.

I have known this other man as a customer for 2 years, so no it's not as if I've just met him. The soul searching about th3 marriage and the 10 day split was back in September. The bust up was about him drink driving with both kids in the car, so he knew this was his fault and a major thing and basically fucked off to sulk for 10 days.

He knew when he came back that the marriage was essentially over but we've spent the time since trying to forge a way forward and failing, with me.unable to forgive the drink driving, amongst other things. We both agreed to try and get past Xmas as it's a pub and a busy time. After sitting down after, I told him there was no chance of reconciling, something he had already realised at this point.

The affair, as I'm under no illusions what it is,, despite us being seperated, developed over the last 2 months, not 15 days, but only culminated in us sleeping together last week. It was a factor only after I'd already decided the marriage was done but having doubts about blowing the family apart. When I realised I had feelings I realised there was definitely no going back, as I wouldn't have them if I still loved H so it was the final nail so to speak. H has persistently allowed me to do 80% of the donkey work whilst knowing I am unhappy and exhausted.

We have a house that we rent but he refused to move out, saying he wanted to help me with the business, which is in my sole name, at oresent but he can easily be added, although I've no intention.of leaving him high and dry and have said I'll pay for all the bills on the other house and that we need to.sort finances out properly

I'm very mindful that he is now getting treated for depression, this came about only once I'd told him it was over, despite me and the eldest begging him previously to get help.

I'll go back and see if I've missed replies to anyone in a mo, difficult to keep scrolling up and down on a phone screen.

Didn't want to post half of that as it's so outing but felt I needed to add details in light of the bashing I'm getting.

Please don’t rush into a new relationship yet, if the other man likes you, he will wait, but don’t rush into starting something new until you are free to commit to him 100%.

If you and your husband are over, you need to sort out finances, somewhere to live for the one moving out and try to remain as civil as you can for the sake of your children. Starting an affair will be a huge fly in the ointment, at least wat until you are going through with a divorce before you move on.

That’s what I would recommend, but you have already started a physical affair now, I don’t think there is a nice way to break it to your husband. So for now I’d recommend, you move out, see a solicitor, begin divorce proceedings and then let your stbexh know you have a new bf.

Best of luck and stay strong, it’s going to be a tough year ahead. I’ve been through a break up, divorce and bitter custody battle with an ex, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

Jessstan2 ED is erectile dysfunction. One of many things he has refused point blank to deal with. I threatened him with divorce about 9 months ago if he didnt start getting help for this and the depression, and he still ignored it until December by which time it was too late for me as I'd fallen out of love with him, and I told him this.

Yes of course you can still love someone to pieces but not be in love with them as a pp asked. I've already told him I will support him as he deals with his depression, just not as a wife. We've rubbed along for about 2 yrs more like siblings than spouses and he agrees with this.

I don't think you are getting a bashing OP. Just not the "handhold" you asked for. If the sexes were reversed you'd be getting a much, much harder time, even with the new info on him drunk driving. A man threatening his wife with divorce if she didn't go to the doctor about an embarrassing medical problem that meant she couldn't have sex with him whilst she was also depressed would be given very short shrift.

I honestly think everything that has been said about this new "love" still applies. You might have known him via him drinking in your pub for the last couple of years but this is way too much too soon on the back of you finally ending your unhappy marriage for this to be taken as seriously as you seem to and bringing it into your kids' and husband's life.

The business contracts etc are currently.all in my name onecabbage, and I've told him I've no issue with adding him so he knows I won't screw him financially. We also have a rented house that he could.move to but he is refusing saying he wants to be here. I fully expect this to change obvs.

As we are currently together almost 24/7 then yes I do need to say something im afraid. I wanted advice on how to approach it is all.

There are multiple issues that he's refused to get help with not just the ED and depression, with the drink driving being a large part

Seems to me that the majority think the new man should be put on the back burner, or at the very least kept a secret for now whilst you sort out your family affairs......

I'm slightly confused as to what advice you are seeking here....other than hoping you would get a huge amount of replies telling you to shout about your new love life from the roof tops? Seeing as this hasn't happened, you then go on to add substance to the original post, maybe to justify the affair?
No one has questioned your need to have an affair, just advised that you should keep it simple and quiet.

Sorry...but it all seems about your conscience rather than your husband and children.....

You are determined to see this as all his fault. I don't know if it's just the way you are phrasing it here but you are not coming across as very nice. He didn't get help for his depression and erectile dysfunction quickly enough so you told him by the time he got help it was too late and you'd fallen out of love with him.

You are entitled of course to end your marriage but the fact that you are on here asking for advice on how to tell him about the fact you're now having sex with one of the customers already suggests you have gone into me, me, me mode. You need to take a step back and slow down a bit here.

Why do you need to tell him? What on earth good could it do anyone?

She wants to carry on sleeping with this man and speaking to him for hours every day so that's why she wants to tell the husband so he'll bugger off to their rental property and not live at the pub with her.

I added the detail, despite it being hugely outing, to give some more background on why things have ended up finished. No I don't want to shout it from the rooftops, equally I don't want to sneak around behind his back. There is a lot more Inffo I could but won't add as it will def out me.

I've put my life virtually on hold for 9 months trying to get him to deal with stuff and he has point blank refused, so this really isn't an overnight thing. We've talked for many hours about this, and why he refused and he is booked in.for counselling also.

Op you put this on relationship board before, same answers there. You want to tell for YOUR benefit, no concern for anyone else.
Op says AIBU, everyone Yes, OP, no I'm not. Yawn