Marriage over Wwyd

[BlownAway2019]

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

I feel sorry for your DH to be honest, sounds as though he’s in a terrible place.

I'm also aware that you don't catch depression as one pp said and I've been trying to get him to deal with it for well over a year, he refused.

One of the classic signs/symptoms of a serious depression is not wanting to get help.

When I say about hygiene, he wore the same clothes for a week, didn't brush his teeth for a fortnight and such, despite me nagging. Major turn off.

Another major symptom of depression also.

Unless I am mistaken "nagging" is not a cure for depression either.

Whatever your history I am feeling so sad that you state "MAJOR TURN OFF" when it is part of his depression. Would you feel that way if it were a symptom of a physical illness? Please remember that the above is NOT his fault, depression is a real illness and not just an inconvenience for you. Have a little compassion or the man you claim you will always care for - your words indicate you do not care at all.

Thank you KM99. The business is in my name at present but I have said I can easily add him. There is about 10k in assets (deposit etc) tied up in it. Not easily accessible and we have no savings. I would never screw him financially hence the discussions about adding him as a director. I deal with everything.financial although we do not have joint accounts. Money is shifted between accounts as needed for bills, and I.do all the budgeting. I would need to help him with this going forward and it's been agreed that I deal with all the bills both for business and house for now as we try to split with as little disruption as possible financially. That should be relatively straightforward as we own no property and only assets are tied in the business ( I supported him through a bankruptcy early on).

Nobody has forced you to get married and nobody has forced you to have children. You have made these decisions on your own and now you need to put them first.
It doesn’t matter if you ‘haven’t put yourself first for 20years’ that was the choice you made you can’t just decide it doesn’t suit you anymore now a new fun bloke has come along.

Most people aren’t telling you to give up the relationship with this new man but they are saying you need to break your marriage up first. You don’t even have to wait for the divorce to be finalised but you do need to have separate living arrangements and a plan on going forwards with the business, child contact arrangements, finances, legal advice, etc etc first!

You seem to be so blinded by what you want now and stamping your feet that it’s not fair you can’t have what you want when you want it that you can’t be bothered to deal with the responsibilities that you decided you wanted once upon a time.

Those kids are at a very vulnerable age. Maybe it seems an odd thing to say, as people don't want to harm little kids when they break up. For their sakes I would put the new man on hold and reassess your priorities. It must have been hard for them to see their dad deteriorate and there be such sadness in the family.

The marriage is ended. We've been in separate rooms for most of last year. As I said, more like siblings but he didn't want to face that so I've limped along since.

My mental health has been suffering, as I've been everyone else's crutch through all this, and deeply unhappy so yes a shag did me the world of good if you want to be crude. Being made to feel worthless and unattractive isn't great, which is what he's done. In his sister's words, he has treated me as his carer not his wife for 2 years.

The kids know the marriage is over.

Where does the 18 year old live? Its still quite young?

Just end your marriage without mentioning your customer.

It is the kindest thiglng for the kids even if you cannot bear your husband.

How do you think they will feel when they hear the pub gossip that their mum is shagging one of the customers. They will be mortified.

And, for the umpteenth time there are already plans in place for the business going forward, that is not an issue. Nor is finances.

The kids know, our families know. We are literally like housemates and have been for many months but definitely utterly over for 3 months, just trying to get past Xmas.

Seriously HOLD OFF.

You are in limerance. You need to read up on it and stop racing at breakneck speed you don’t need to tell your husband right now.

Now I’ve said that l...
Your husband doesn’t sound like a prize by any stretch and in your shoes I’d be totally over it too. So for you.

BUT you do have a 14 year old child and an 18 year old child you need to think about them in all this.

This isn’t “doing everything for everyone else and having nothing for you” or a self indulgent “so I’m selfish then”

But honestly consider what itll do to your children if your husband loses the plot and starts kicking off “your mother is a whore” etc.

You need to take a step back... you can still see this guy but maybe keep it on the DL for a bit until you really get the lay of the land (ie in 6-9 months minimum)

The eldest lives in the rented house, due to where she is studying, that's why We have kept the house on and supporting her financially, despite having accommodation at the business. All bills would continue to be paid there, and one of us could move out there. I don't drive however so would have a 3 hr train commute each way as he cannot run some aspects of the business alone, whereas I could.

Why are you desperate to tell him you're shagging someone he knows though? It's almost sounding like you think he deserves to have his nose rubbed in it.

@BlownAway2019 if I were you I would try to formalise the separation and ask him to leave ASAP. Do not tell anyone about new man until you are actually living under separate roofs. Kids may still have hope of a reconciliation whilst you're still under one roof.

Once you are living a separated life then I'd tell him you're seeing someone but it's nothing serious. Then you can discuss how you tell the dc.

Good luck x

Oh Op haven't you heard the expression 'Dont shit where you eat"? Firstly the whole village know about your affair already. Just give your husband and children some dignity and respect.
If this man is really all that -and I must say, I've never met a pub regular who was - he'll wait for you. Or is he married too?

Positive, because I don't want to sneak around. I think thats even more disrespectful than not saying anything. He still, despite me telling him.multiple times that there is no chance of reconciling, holds a slim hope that there is. There isn't. I've told him I do not want him to.hold false hope but he does. I certainly do.not want to run his nose in it and would move out tomorrow to make it easier for.him, except for the fact that the business would then.not survive, leaving us ALL in the shit.

Itsallover, I did suggest he moved into the rented house, 3 months ago, before the other guy. He refused saying he wanted to help with the business and I didn't press it. I can run the business alone but he cannot as there are aspects he cannot do. I would then support 2 households from the business, which is not an issue.

Goddess, no the village doesn't know. And no he's not married.

My husband has had respect and support for 20 years, the last 2 of which I've had none from.him and he's had none for himself.

the last 2 of which I've had none from.him and he's had none for himself.

So you’re going to end it by making sure he, your kids and everybody else has no respect for you? I’m not sure why you’re making excuses here, you moving on isn’t a problem. You moving on less than a month after officially calling it a day with your husband and wanting to tell him despite the unnecessary hurt it will cause is the problem here.

However, you obviously don’t think you’re being unreasonable, so carry on. I look forward to your next thread ‘my husband is dragging out our divorce, my shag buddy has been scared off and my kids aren’t talking to me’.

The risk you're taking by telling him, is that everything gets very, very acrimonious. Divorces tend to get nasty when someone else is involved. Your husband is not going to deal with this news well - it won't convince him that his marriage is over, it will not make him feel better, he will just feel betrayed.

I would strongly recommend that you keep the new relationship quiet until your divorce and all your finances are settled. The new man's said he'll wait, so wait a while. There really is no rush to announce the new man. Finalise everything, then announce the new man. And take it slowly with the new man - a pp mentioned limerance - it's a very real thing. Take care.

It's not a month, it's been 3 plus 2 yrs of limping along. There is no property or major financial issues to sort, merely agreeing who pays what bills, which is easy as the business will pay for both households, with him added as director.

Families both know, kids know.

Divorce papers are filled out as of 9 months ago, updating them.wont be a major problem. I have no issues if he wishes to cite adultery, there is nothing for him to gain really, and I have no issues with admitting it.

Families both know, kids know.

They know you’re shagging another bloke and are ok with it? That’s surprising I must admit.

Divorce papers are filled out as of 9 months ago, updating them.wont be a major problem. I have no issues if he wishes to cite adultery, there is nothing for him to gain really, and I have no issues with admitting it.

See this is one of the reasons you’re not coming over well here. You don’t care if he cites adultery? Do you not care about his actual feelings? You think that telling him will cause him to become angry and want out ASAP. It doesn’t work that that, he will be hurt and very less likely to play ball. If he’s in love with you as you say, he might try the ‘pick me dance’ and refuse to carry on with the divorce at all.

Regardless, you tell him and you lose any cards in your hand. No one will care that you feel like you’ve propped the family up for the last 20 years - what they’ll see is a depressed bloke who’s been pushed aside by his wife for a bit of fun. You will be the bad guy moving forward, and you are possibly causing him years of pain, mistrust and difficulties moving on. All you have to do is show him some respect after 20+ years by not telling him how easily replaceable he was.

@BlownAway2019 it's been 2+ years in your head, not necessarily your husbands - like you said he's still got a glimmer of hope.

People aren't telling you not to divorce your husband, they aren't having a go at you regarding the affair (which did surprise me tbh) but they are just saying, to slow down and deal with your divorce before starting anything with the new man.

Him not respecting himself, not getting dressed etc will be down to the depression.

They know that the marriage is over. Both families have been heavily involved over the last 3 month's because of the drink driving, and also are aware of events over the 20 plus the 2 years. His own family have told him he has treated me as his carer rather than his wife. I can't elaborate further but they know I haven't simply pushed him aside and have heavily supported him, and that he's also refused help for a long while.

In saying that I don't care if he cites adultery, I mean that it would make it easier for him to divorce me than do the 2 year thing if that's what he wants to do.

Sorry, nothing you’re saying is explaining why you need to tell him right now. You don’t seem to give the slightest shit about hurting him or your children as long as you get out of your marriage ASAP to do as you please (or just become someone else’s partner rather than do your own thing it seems).

As I said, it doesn’t matter what anyone thought up to now, very few people accept affairs. They may even start twisting the facts, suggest you were doing it all along and it’s not wonder he’s depressed. Things get nasty in cases like this, you will not come out well. If you’re willing to risk that, all for a bit of fun with a customer that might not last, well that is utterly your prerogative.

What is your AIBU?! I'm lost. You appear to have completely made your mind up.

Well said @DoneLikeAKipper!!!!

My thoughts entirely.....It's all very selfish.