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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage over Wwyd

179 replies

BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 10:19

I've posted this in relationships also..more of a WWYD as I need a bit of a handheld and some advice on how to go about telling husband, see below. TIA.

In the Autumn we had a huge bustup, and a lot of things were said. He went to stay with family for 10 days whilst I stayed at home and continued running the joint business.

I got increasingly frustrated as it just appeared he didn't care, this after feeling taken for granted for months anyway for lots of reasons. He's let himself go appearance wise, hygiene wise, and basically sunk into deprression (which he now realises and is under GP care for).

He eventually realised the marriage was in real danger and came back and we tries to talk. I realised that we had been more like siblings than spouses and that I had completely fallen out of love with him. I told him this and called it off at Christmas. We are continuing to live together albeit in separate rooms, and run the business together while we try to figure out how to move forward.

2 kids of 14 and 18.

In the m3antime, and completely unexpectedly, I've met someone else, a customer in fact. We've always spoken and had a laugh and joke and he actually kept me sane those first couple of weeks as I struggled to deal with everything.

Only after I'd told H that it was over did he confess he had feelings for me and it's been a whirlwind ever since. We talk for several hours each day. I've never in my life even considered an affair but I have slept with him, a week ago, after a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights. For context I've slept with my husband 4 times in a year, partly as I just don't find him attractive and partly as he has ED issues that he refuses to deal with. I have neve4 ever had such strong feelings as I do for this guy, and he said he is also shocked by how strongly he feels. I feel alive for the first time in years.

I'm working away at the moment and due home tomorrow and I know I need to tell H that I'm seeing someone else but the thought is making me feel sick as it's going to hurt him so badly. I expect he will walk out completely, which I understand, leaving me to run the business alone.

Please help me with how to break this to him as gently as possible. He's only just got his head around the fact the marriage is over, is getting help finally, about 2 years too late imo, and freely admits that he's fucked up but still loves me.

This has hit me totally out of the blue and couldn't have been timed worse really. Yes I am certain the marriage is over, it took 3 months of soul searching to be sure, though I will always love him to pieces as we've spent 20yrs together.

OP posts:
User758172 · 15/01/2019 14:46

...sneak around. I think thats even more disrespectful than not saying anything. He still, despite me telling him multiple times that there is no chance of reconciling, holds a slim hope that there is

How nice to be in your position! - totally over it, yet knowing he still has hope. Do you feel any compassion for this man that you once loved, the father of your children, or is he just an irritant now that needs to be got rid of?

Don’t be cruel. You want to tell him to rub his nose in it that you’ve moved on, or to salve your conscience, no other reason. Cool it with the new guy and wait until your divorce is settled. Then you’ll be free to fuck whoever you please.

blackteasplease · 15/01/2019 14:47

Put the other relationship completely on hold until you've sorted this out with husband.

PositiveVibez · 15/01/2019 14:53

*Put the other relationship completely on hold until you've sorted this out with husband"

That is what the majority of people have suggested black tea, but OP is waiting for someone to tell her that she would be doing her husband and children a kindness by telling them all that she is shagging a pub regular. And she needs to do what makes her happy.

Its not going to happen because nobody apart from the OP, thinks it.

Ineedaholidayplease · 15/01/2019 15:00

My guess would be that OP is so dizzy with her new shag buddy that H and others around her have already picked up on the fact that there is someone new on the scene!

If that's the case.....Maybe OP should tell her husband to log on to Mumsnet so he can see how much support him and his poor children are getting? I hope he gets himself well and gets the support he needs right now!

geekone · 15/01/2019 15:02

Hang on did everyone miss the fact her stbexh drove her children in a car while drunk? He is lucky she allows him in the house. OP you need to tell him about new man and ask him to move out and move on. That would be a deal breaker for me never mind all of the hygiene Confused.
You need to move on OP. Good luck.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/01/2019 15:10

@geekone I hadn't, however it has nothing to do with the situation.

People aren't saying that he's perfect and done nothing wrong, just like they aren't saying that she shouldn't divorce him or see another man. Just that she's going about it the wrong way.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 15:15

Thanks geek you are one of few to.pick up on that, aside from all the other issues.

People also seem to be.missing the fact that he's been incredibly selfish and not given a shit about me for 2 years, despite me HEAVILY supporting him for 20.

I dont want him to hold out any slim hope that's the whole point. Despite me telling him multiple times in multiple ways, he continues to do so. He ignored the divorce papers 9 months ago, I have no reason to suspect he won't again, so what, j out my life on hold again whilst I continue to try to get.him to accept we are done? He fully admits that the last 2 yrs have not been a marriages simply us rubbing along like siblings.

As for the kids, the youngest at least was terrified so all those saying I am not considering them can fuck off after what he did.

I don't know, maybe by telling him I hope that he will finally accept it's over rather than hoping it will all come.good, which is what he's been doing. To the tune he's tried to initiate intimate relations by climbing into bed with me twice since Xmas, despite saying he knows it's over.

I just can't win, if I present him with papers he will likely just ignore it as before, when I let it ride in the vain hope that it could be salvaged.

He's had MAJOR help off both families for 2 years and refused it, he's had our eldest sobbing and begging him to get help, inc with me. Ignored. I cannot do anymore.

I also can't keep just rubbing along for his sake. Yes.i can.present him with papers as pp have suggested, he ignores it so I'd have to divorce HIM for unreasonable behaviour over 2 years which hardly seems fair and why I am willing to accept fault if it makes it easier for him to deal with.

I can't accept the help for him, nor can I force him.into it. It's only.now, when he realises his carers as his own family put it, has reached the end of her tether thatched looking for help. That's because he doesn't want to lose his skivvy rather than doing it for himself or his family, as we've begged previously. I can't be any clearer on that.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 15/01/2019 15:17

It's ok I'll stay in a lifeless loveless sexless marriage and slowly drive myself into a grave tho, just so i wont be selfish
Come off it, there's a bug gap between staying in a loveless marriage and shagging the first bloke who's nice to you seconds after you decide to separate! Your husband wasn't perfect by any means but at least he's not leapt into bed with someone straight away. Think about your kids if you can't respect him.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 15:18

Of course it's got summat to do with it snapped. He put not only himself and other drivers in danger but his own kids Hmm It was.the final straw in a long drawn out saga

OP posts:
RangeRider · 15/01/2019 15:19

All you have to do is wait until he's moved out. You don't have to stay married to him.

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 15:19

Range, he is lucky after the dd that I am even talking to.him, especially after he fucked off for 10 days sulking so yes I am.putting.kids first.

I agree it's shitty timing with this guy, and I truly wish it wasnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 15:21

Range, he won't move out cos he wants to help with the business. I dunno, maybe I am trying.to.force his hand. I am exhausted with everything that's happened and cannot see a way out.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/01/2019 15:25

@BlownAway2019 I meant it's got nothing to do with the AIBU.

Your AIBU isn't should I divorce him, nobody is arguing that. I would have divorced him for that point alone.

Your AIBU is how should I tell him about my new man. That's got nothing to do with the drink driving and it's exactly why you're getting the answers you are. People don't think you should, yet.

otheractivities · 15/01/2019 15:25

I think you are trying to blame your husband to give yourself a clear conscience
leave your husband for this other man , but dont try and dress it up as anything else , but be prepared for when you fall out od lust with the new man , or he doesnt want to take on the boring day to day family life

Lweji · 15/01/2019 15:28

Oh, well, if he's already being difficult, then by all means tell him.

But, I'd try an alternative approach first, not giving any mixed messages.

Sit with him, even with a solicitor, and have a serious discussion about ending the marriage. Reinforce that his resistance can only do damage to the children in the middle (even if they are older).

loobyloo1234 · 15/01/2019 15:28

OP don’t tell your DH. I think you need to make sure he knows it’s definitely over though now. Suggest that he moves out as there is no way back. Give him the divorce papers again and tell him you are ready to move on

I am a product of divorced parents – one had an affair. Despite that, I actually think you deserve to have a life. Life is short, but ensure your DH is clear it’s time to move on

Original poster
BlownAway2019 · 15/01/2019 15:32

Range he has already proven that he will ignore divorce papers once. I let it slide in the vain hope things would improve. I have no reason to suspect that he won't ignore them again. So maybe yes I am subconsciously trying.to fo4ce him to accept.

Other, the marriage was over before the other man came on the scene. I have multiple things I could.blame H for over the last few years I really don't need an excuse.

It's shitty timing with the other guy, couldn't be worse in fact, and I'm well aware it could Peter out, but I've had years of coming last and I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't as then he'll just expect us to rub along again.

OP posts:
Geminijes · 15/01/2019 15:36

I would love to hear your husband's side of your marriage.

As they say, there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

MovingThisYearDefinitely · 15/01/2019 15:36

If you tell him you have another man he will most likely turn into the most unreasonable person on the planet & you'll have one helluva time ahead. There is nothing to be gained by telling him.

Lweji · 15/01/2019 15:38

What are your children aware of?

Are you officially separated, even if still living in the same house?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/01/2019 15:44

OP, I'm really not trying to be nasty.

A similar situation played out in my family 10 years ago. My DM and DF decided to divorce however, just like you she had met someone. 10 years down the line my brothers and sisters still won't speak to my Mum or him. It was made to sound like an affair by everyone, even though it wasn't. We were all similar ages to your children at the time, ranging between 18-11 and my DF was made to be the innocent victim, even though he wasn't.

It took me a good few years to see and understand, but others still can't.

It might not happen, however it could happen to you and I think that's what the majority of people are trying to say.

Gina2012 · 15/01/2019 15:54

I'd tell everyone that your marriage is over. That you and H have talked it through and that it's over. That you and H are living separately but together until the finances are sorted

In a months time I'd tell everyone that you might have met someone else

Not sure yet early days taking it slow yada yada

mirialis · 15/01/2019 15:59

If you are feeling that you need to put yourself first, your wants, needs etc. then put it this way: you might not be able to see it but there is a huge chance that you are going to massively humiliate and hurt yourself if you don't take a BIG step back from "new man" and definitely do NOT be going public with it. I think it would be really unfair on your husband and kids but if that isn't getting through then you really need to get to grips with what a bad idea this is for YOU.

PietariKontio · 15/01/2019 16:05

Why is it that someone who has depression failing to make a seemingly rationale, common sense decision like seeing a doctor, Is seen like a failure, rather than a completely understandable action of someone experiencing poor mental health?

You've said that you've 'threatened' him over his reluctance to seek help for ED and depression, cos he took 9 months (and in one post two years), he's mentally unwell ffs, threatening, making ultimatums rarely work.

Yea the drink driving was shit and you can obviously leave the marriage whenever you want, but for heavens sake understand that a lot of his failings you've listed, fit completely with being unwell, and give him a break in how you go about it.

Imagine being depressed, failing to be able to have sex, and then being told that your spouse is leaving you for a new, and probably virile, man? Doesn't seem necessary at this point.

Yes

mirialis · 15/01/2019 16:15

The eldest lives in the rented house, due to where she is studying

What is going to happen to your 18 year old daughter if he moves to the house where she is living, which is your preference?