adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

Need more info about finances really

But overall I think at 21 I most definitely would still be making big life choices that include him ie I would go for the 4 bed

Have the conversation, sell the freedom of having your own place rather than there wont be room for him

It would need to be a very well-paid job for him to afford a flat by himself in London; realistically it would be a flat-share.

Have you thought about renting your house out and then renting a flat in London? That might work out, especially as it's only for a couple of years and you'd save on the estate agents fees and stamp duty.

Plus his plan sound pretty loose “he hopes to work in London”

Personally I wouldn't plan not to be able to accommodate all my children. I have a 21 year old too, this is still very much her home.

Well she's nearly 21

I would include him if he gets a job there, and obviously discuss the impact on rent with him.

You risk making him feel his younger sibling is more valued than he is. Obviously we don't know your family dynamic, but on what you've written, I couldn't make a judgement call.

Good degrees do not equate to employability and good jobs.

We don't have a house to sell, we're renting now.

We are ok financially, but a four-bed in London where the school is located would be insanely expensive.

Sorry, yes by get a flat I mean a flat-share.

Are you in rental?
Where in London are you looking at?
If he is working could he pay for his room?

Office for DH with a pull out sofa bed in it and a cupboard for DS stuff? If it's only a temp situation could that work?

Ds has come back to live with us post MA whilst job hunting; and I will always have a room in my home for him until he buys his own place.

Can't your DS pay the difference in cost between a 3 bed & 4 bed? I assume he'd be paying about £800pm+ just for a flat share so may as well pay you some rent instead.
He can't expect to live rent free once he's qualified and working.

He is 21, only just graduating and no job yet. Even when he finds employment it may well be probationary or not work out. I certainly would factor him in the family home for at least a couple of years.

My DD is 24 and has been working since Uni, we are only now talking about downsizing and TBH we will still buy somewhere which has a bedroom for her.

I think it would be horrible for your son to no longer have a family home.

How about giving him a choice? Find your own place or share with us but you would need to realistically contribute rent towards our costs. You wouldn’t be making a profit from his contribution. London rents are very expensive but would be much cheaper if he is contributing towards the budget and it would probably work out cheaper for him than renting on his own. He would probably have to houseshare anyway. Much nicer to houseshare with family than strangers. Involve him in finding somewhere for you all that maybe gives him a degree of privacy and independence.

He'll have to pay the difference between the 3 and 4 bed.

I would include a 21 year old in any move. He's still really young and realistically is going to struggle with rents at the start of his career and might actually be better off living at home for a couple of years and saving.
On an emotional level, it's really horrible to feel you have no home/base to go back to if you need to.

I'm not saying you need to keep a bedroom for him until he's 40 but kids need to live at home for longer now.

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it. I know it's a sensible approach and I would, indeed probably have advised others to do that, but in our case, it's just out of the question. Not least because DH would never do it.

I agree. I think he needs to choose whether to rent on his own or pay the extra rent to have a room in the family home.

Pay rent to you or pay rent to live elsewhere simple. Can't expect to live somewhere for nothing at that age!

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it.

Really? He would rather you struggle financially? Just be honest with him, you can't afford a bigger flat so if he wants to live with you he'll have to pay. I don't know why you'd want him to live with you if he has such disregard for the rest of the family.

I know that kids need to live at home for longer because of financial reasons but I think this is harmful, in order to properly grow up you need to separate from your parents
if you don't make an effort to fly the nest it becomes harder and harder to do the older you get and you will just end up as your parents carers having never left home, never fully stretched your wings

Starting out in life, whether in London or elsewhere, is pretty tricky for all of us. You are an adult, but not really fully grown, and I feel that this stage can be the most difficult to navigate and makes the difference between a successful transition into a full adult life and not.

I would start the conversation with your son by asking what he wants. Does he want to live independently or would he prefer a few months or a year at home until he finds his feet. If he hasn't lived in London before and doesn't have friends there it can be very lonely to begin with and living with family can be a source of support and comfort. I would also make it clear however that he needs to contribute financially. He is an adult now and has responsibilities. He needs to learn (if he hasn't already) how to budget, how to cook, how to get and keep a job (any job). If he is to stay at home he still has to do all of these things. In a kind but firm way you need to make this clear to him. Living at home is not a free pass. He is a grown up and needs to accept the role that goes with that status. Make it clear that you are there to support and help, but for a limited time to be agreed between you.

As for a flat, finding anything with four bedrooms is going to be difficult. I would suggest that your husband could look to rent workspace probably more cheaply than the extra bedroom would cost. He could work further out where space is cheaper if you have to live in an expensive area to accommodate your other child's schooling. In this way you can keep your family together and support both your children.

How can he point blank refuse to contribute?
is he the boss of the whole household, does everyone work for him?