adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

OK x-posted with you OP. I can understand how it’s difficult, but spoiling/babying him now is only going to keep him feeling ‘different’. Treat him how you would any other of your DC under normal circumstances - ie expect him to pay his way.

This would be a short-term rental, 2 years max. We would in the meantime be buying a family home in the city where we all used to live which is where all his friends are.

He will definitely need our help for the first few months of work. I lived at home while I was saving up a rental deposit and train fares etc. I suppose it might be a better plan to help him in this way rather than rent a bigger place. DH will be of the opinion that you don't have to pay rent for someone who's earning 50k. He's more hardcore than me!

On the face of it this seems straightforward - he's an adult so he can move out. BUT I remember as a child when my eldest sister had already moved into a flat share, my parents bought a smaller house with no bedroom for her. She was devastated and felt that she had in some way been written out of the family. This wasn't because she was spoilt or entitled, she just felt that she no longer had a 'home'. She married very young, partly I think, because of this. My parents had no idea how much it had hurt her until many years later.

He really should chip in though.

You need to include him the move (if he wants to come with you). But all he really needs is a bed. Both DSs could share a room. It might not be ideal but it's only temporary. And surely your older DS will be out a work all day and not be in the bedroom much.

And of course he should pay you rent when he gets a job. He should not be living with you if he's working and not paying board.

Quirky that's exactly what I fear.

Could you charge him x amount and use so much towards his expenses and put away some for his eventual rental deposit?

Might be better to teach him to budget when he gets a salary than charging nothing

I think when you look at London you have to take into account that it is such a huge place that sometimes it is quicker to commute in from outside of London than it is to commute from one London postcode to another.

A lot of people we know commute in from Southend or going north up the Thameslink line

What if he can’t get a job straight after he graduates? Where would he go then if you didn’t have a room for him?

I couldn’t get a decent job for 8 months after graduating-not for lack of trying- and had no choice but to move back home, where most of my worldly goods were anyway. I took any part time work I could find and did contribute to the household.

That said, if he stays at home he pays rent. Unless perhaps he's saving for a deposit, you'd be doing him no favours by letting him live rent free. He needs to learn to handle bills, etc.

I think you know the answer already.
If your DH won't allow son to pay rent to you, I cannot imagine him allowing DS1 to struggle in finding a place to live on his own - you'll be paying for that, too.You are likely to end up renting a 4 bed and DS1 will not pay a penny towards it and a huge amount of resentment will build.

More of a DH problem than DS1 issue.

I'd still charge rent - in fact we do! And DH earns over 100K - it is a principle, that we have made clear to our DC from the start. If you are working you pay rent, we may still "help you out" but that is an act of generosity, and rent is less than you'd have to pay elsewhere.

My 3 graduate children moved back home after university - the girsl did 2 y ears law post grad in London whilst living here etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to live at home for a few years until they are earning enough to get by. I certainly didn't expect any rent to be paid to me.

i like to plan ahead but this is all a bit in the air still....

You haven't told your DS 1 yet ( When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy)

Its only for 2 years then you'll buy a house ( have you planned where?)
Your DS1 hasn't finished University yet.
He might want a gap year

Why the Jefff should your DH rent outside office space. Surely the bonus of WFH is no travel and the flexibility to start work at 6am f you feel like it.

It might be complete non-issue .
By all means have a bed for him, but renting a flat with an extra bedroom is a huge extra cost.

"DS1 came to live with us when he was in his early teens."

I don't understand.

Did someone else bring your son up?

Or is he in fact your step-son, your husband's child, your child's half-brother, who previously lived with his mother (for example)?

Or did you and your husband adopt him in his early teens?

I think this is your step-son, but in any of those cases, I think it puts a much stronger slant on your question.

You must plan on continuing to accommodate him when you move.

I think your update of him coming to live with you in his early teens is very pertinent here. I don’t know the circumstances and whether he’s adopted, but it sounds like he needs to feel reassured of his place in the family more than the average 21 year old.

So I’d discuss with him and DH and brainstorm together.

But I’d make it clear that if he’s earning, he’s contributing.

You need to have a frank talk with DS1 and tell him that you are moving and that you can only afford a 3 bed place, with 1 room as an office. He has two choices

A. He moves out and rents his own place

B. He pools his resources with yours and you rent a bigger place and all live together.

Option B would hopefully rent you a much bigger, better place and be better and cheaper for all of you. Obviously that is only going to work when he has a job though, so he needs to get something lined up if he can.

You need to have the talk sooner rather than later though and stress that it is purely financial and you simply cannot afford to rent a 4 bed place.

Once he starts looking and realises how much it would cost for him to live on his own, hopefully he will be happy to pay the difference to you between the 3 and 4 bed place

Personally I have a 19year old and can never see a day when she won’t have a bedroom in our home.

Living in London or anywhere in the UK is expensive I cannot see dd moving out any time soon unless her bf suddenly becomes a millionaire or she wins the lottery

DS1 came to live with us when he was in his early teens.

This puts a completely different perspective on everything. I can see why you withheld it, OP, but it really isn't possible to give a sensible answer without having this information. If your ds has not got a firm and secure attachment to your family, and/or if he has lived through a period of insecurity and rejection, then it may be completely unhelpful to compare him to other 21yos. Mentally, he may not actually be 21.

I have an adopted relative, deeply lovely person, always thinking of others, does more for his family than the rest of us combined, but the one thing he CANNOT cope with is rejection. Things need to be phrased in a way that does not trigger fears of rejection.

Still ok to ask him for money though. Just do it in a practical how-are-we-going-to-solve-this fashion.

@Quirkyturkey different circumstances but that's how I felt and it had a long term impact on me.

It's very upsetting to feel you have no base or place to go home to.

You need to have a conversation. Put your cards on the table, why are you trying to make a decision without running through it all with him? He is after all an adult. He may surprise you with either his willingness to pay rent, his desire to get a flat share or when hearing about your plans he may decide he would prefer another city, but you can’t know and he can’t make an informed choice unless you give him all the facts. I also think you are jumping the gun talking about a £50k job he doesn’t have. It may be that he has a period of low/un employment whilst job hunting that you may want to accommodate.

Even 20 years ago I had a few months post-uni at my parents job-searching and temping and this wasn’t unusual. These days I think most of the recent grads in my workplace live with parents or are subsidised by them to live elsewhere! Going straight from uni to well paid job financing living in London is definitely not the norm. Where do you think he will go when you move if he doesn’t have this job by then? Living with you would give him a big advantage in terms of being able to do internships/ short term contracts that might help him establish a stable career path more quickly (i.e. within a couple of years).
If he’s working he should contribute some rent though!

If he’s working, then he can contribute to the flat. My son is 18, is living away from home and is paying his rent, food etc (we helped for the first couple'of momths). If he can do it, then your soncan.

But if he has a good degree and excellent job prospects, he doesn't really sound like someone for whom allowances need to be made for.

Maybe the OP will find a 3 bed property with a dining room or other space that can be used as an office and the problem will go away?

If a 4 bed property isn't affordable then there has to be compromise. And the obvious one is that all working adults contribute to costs, rather than moving further out and wasting time on long commutes to accomodate a well paid adult who wants to live for free at the expense of others.

He cant seriously expect to live in London rent free with you.
I'd just tell him either he pays X amount every month or rents somewhere himself. If he doesn't get work straight away I'd tell him he needs to hand over the majority of his UC/or Jobseekers as well.
What do you mean he would refuse to pay? Basically tell him its your way or the highway.