adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

I would provide a home for my Dc if they need it. It is really hard for young people to move out nowadays.

However if they are working they should be paying rent! My eldest two do, and they are both on pretty low wage jobs. It's not a lot, but they know they are making a massive saving, and know would pay more if we needed it.

Could you get a 3 bed and then rent office space elsewhere?
My 21 year old has recently graduated and started ft work. He was sharing a room at home with his brother and now rents his own flat. I feel terrible that he has no room of his own here and would never actively choose that. Not least because renting privately is so precarious and there is no long term security - it's good to know you can always go home. Of course, if needed, we would work something out for ds.
So I think get the 4 bed or if you can't afford it get a 3 and set up office space in your own bedroom for your DH - not perfect but better than making your kid homeless.
Remember that he might not walk into a job and private rents require a deposit, month's rent in advance and letting agent fees. That is a good 2K.

He would point blank refuse to pay you rent?? He will have to pay someone at some point - or you are stuck with him forever. INSIST he pays his way or he slings his hook - your call

All that said, serious words would be had if ds refused to pay a fair share of his own expenses.

I would in general always plan for a 21 year old to still need a bedroom but in your particular situation I can see things are tricky.
I would sit down and show him the figures. Tell him you have £x budget for rent a month which gets you say a 3 bed property, show him the rightmove listings etc. Explain that if he wants to live with you he is very welcome but as you can all see, the cost of a 4 bed is £x + y. Therefore he will need to pay the £y. If he doesn't want to, not a problem, he can find his own place to spend £y on.

Can your husband work in your bedroom if you convert your bed into a desk; this way you can get a 3 bed. Google "studybeds" which are full size beds which fold up via cantilever to reveal the desk below (and you don't have to take anything off the desk due to the cantilever, e.g. monitor).

But, if son is working he needs to contribute. It is ridiculous for him to expect to live for free.

And you do your adult son no favours at all if you treat him like a child. Letting him stay at home at 21 and not contributing is treating him like a child.

'he would point blank refuse'

You haven't even asked him yet!!!! Your assuming he would say no!!

Your valuing office space over housing your own child that hasn't even got a job yet.

Get a 4 bedroom house that's a bit further away from the school if needs be.

I really don't get why some young people don't want to grow up? Many young graduates work in retail/ hospitality/ care jobs to pay their rent while they apply and get graduate jobs so there is no need to move back in with parents. Starting out in house shares etc. There seems to be a belief that young adults have to move home as there's no way they can possibly support themselves- I guess it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I agree you should get a 3 bed. If you are not going to ask your adult son for rent and he's not going to offer it then you don't need to accommodate him. Have a sofa bed in the living room/office in case he stays over the odd time but otherwise he needs to stand on his own feet. And as suggested he may not get a job in London and move elsewhere. Let him know asap that you are not financially able to afford a 4 bed so he will need to look for a flat share if he does go to London.

Also I have worked at home full time for a few years. Very different to just doing extra work from home. You don't just need a desk, you need storage space as well.

At 21 he's old enough to understand finances. I'd sit him down,explain that you can only afford a 3 bed,and tell him that unfortunately he will have to share a bedroom with his sibling.That should spur him on into looking for his own place,without you making him feel pushed out. And make it clear that the door's always open for him when he fancies a nice home-cooked meal.

Just get a 3 bed and a good quality sofa bed. He can stay when he likes but it's not too cosy that he will want to stay months on end.
Don't feel guilty - you can't afford a 4-bed and that's fine.

The conversation I would have would be: "Dear son, we want you to feel you have a home with us. However, our financial situation means we won't be able to afford a 4-bedroom flat unless you are able to contribute enough from your salary to make up the difference.

I would expect him to be paying board at 21 (once working) whether he returns to your current home or if you do go to London!

I lived at home at uni and paid board from the age of 18 because a) mum had just taken on a mortgage on her own after my parents split and didn't want to be a financial drain on her and b) I knew I was getting a damn site better deal than I would if I'd have moved out.

Not least because DH would never do it.

What is "DH"'s solution?

What does DS suggest?

Why is DS expected to 'refuse point blank' to contribute to family life, why would he feel empowered to do so and why would DH support him?

What job offers has DS received so far, what starting salary can he reasonably expect? What would you do if he gets a role beyond commuting distance from tbe family home?

So many imponderables, hope OP comes back to explain.

It’s a ridiculous idea. Get a three bed and put a desk in your bedroom, not a big deal.

My DS is on jobseekers and pays us the increase in liv costs, so his food, water, electricity etc. You need to get him to pay his way or how will he ever learn to look after himself

thanks for all your input. Our dynamic is very complicated and suffice it to say, if this were DS2 in ten years time, I would be much tougher. DS1 came to live with us when he was in his early teens. We have had other issues to iron out with him and no doubt we've overcompensated in other ways. I'm aware that's a drip drip, but it's identifying to put on the front page. He was always feel a bit different, but I'm so torn between pushing him out there and keeping him safe.

Have you thought of commuting in to the school and living in a cheaper area.

Dd went to school in central London.

We live 10minutes drive from a tube station.

After accompanying her a few times to and from school at 10 she was doing the journey (approximately 1 hour) on her own. Most children in the school did the same, some commuting miles more than dd.

That way you could probably afford a house. Even buying a 3 bedroom house and put a home office in the garden

You’re doing your (adult) son no favours at a all treating him like a child. Help him to learn about the real world and tell him you are happy for him to stay with you if he can contribute x-amount towards the rent and living costs (food, utilities, etc to make it clear) for a 4-bed place. Otherwise he needs to start making his own plans because although the sofa will always be there at a pinch, it’s not workable long term.

Ds age 24 left our house 6 months ago. He came back after uni, and lived here whilst he did an MA. He also worked. For minimum wage. He couldn’t afford to rent, and we are in the North.

Dds 29 is doing a PhD. He hates the area around where his phd is sited. He mostly does it long distance. He’s here quite often too.

They continue to boomerang back and forth. This is the nature of the economy today.

We would keep there rooms open as long as they needed.

When my ex eh left me years ago. I went back to live at home. I was 31. I moved out a year or so later.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s not just at 21 or 22 they need a bolt hole. It can continue for some time

Their rooms obviously

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it. I know it's a sensible approach and I would, indeed probably have advised others to do that, but in our case, it's just out of the question. Not least because DH would never do it
What?!!! I take back what I said in my previous post in that case. I would charge the cheeky fucker for his home cooked meals lol. Seriously though he's a grown man and not charging him rent is doing him no favours in the long term......what a shock he will get when he finds himself having to pay rent,food and bills! No wonder he doesn't want to leave home. He's spoilt!

I think the combined office bedroom is a really good compromise as you aren't shoving him out then but also not costing yourself any extra.

I wouldn't like to say no you can't I've with us and nor would I like to pay for an extra room which might not be required.