adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

I’m a bit worried you’re presuming your ds will get a job straight out of uni. What happens if he doesn’t get a job?

And yes, he may get offered a job elsewhere. So crazy to make such a big financial decision when you don't even know if he will be living with you.
So being prepared for him to share a room with his brother if he really needs somewhere to stay, seems like the most sensible way forward.
You have to put your other child's educational needs first.

he would point blank refuse to pay us rent

Then you do not include him in your plans and he gets a very rapid welcome to the Real World where people who are able to do so pay their own way.

I think renting a 4 bed and asking the older son to pay his cut is a high risk strategy - even before you mentioned he might refuse to pay. What happens if 18 months down the line he decides to move in with friends? Either the OP needs to move to an affordable 3 bed or struggle to pay. I assume as it’s only for a few years she ideally wants to stay put for the whole time.

I think you need to start talking to him now. Say the move won’t be able to include a bedroom for him, but try and find somewhere that the 3rd bedroom can be used as an office / guest room. He can use the guest room with certain conditions- keeping it tidy, being up and out during office hours etc for a few months while he finds his feet if necessary.

bob That is fine. But everyone reaches the stage in life where they know barring homelessness, they are never going to live with their parents again.

He would be working 9-5 and so could you not use a larger room as an office with a Day bed in, in case he needs to stay?

It might be cheaper to hot desk at a managed office complex than permanently paying for a spare room for an office.

I'd include him in the planning but he should be paying a sum in lodging as well.

No rent no room unfortunately, sure why wouldn't he jumped for joy going to London to get a great job and free accommodation.
But No he would have to contribute to the rent and bills or bluff tell him if he doesn't contribute, you will have to move to the furthest quietest town instead that can help DS2, he will change his tune to keep his comforts. he needs to grow up.
I hope things get better for DS2, it is his turn for now.

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it

What? He's an adult and will be on a good salary. Why on earth wouldn't he pay rent?

Bizarre.

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it.

Well that's not on, is it?

My son has been paying rent since he left school at 18 and worked part time in a shop. He is now at university and still pays rent. When he graduates and finds a job, guess what? He will still pay rent.

Paying rent was something we'd only briefly mentioned, yet he was the one who brought it up and said he wouldn't feel comfortable living there and not contributing. He set up a standing order immediately.

I think if yours has got to 21 and would refuse outright, then you might need to review your parenting! No one else is ever going to pay his way for him. He needs to grow up. And fast.

No don't include him in the planning beyond knowing you would offer him a couch/day bed etc if he was going to be homeless or in dire straits.
And I do think it is better for a 21 year old to be in a shared house. It also sounds as if he does need to grow up, and this would help him do that.

You need to talk to him about it.
My view it that it is very harsh to say to a 21 yr old who hasn't yet got a job,even if his prospects are good,that you are moving and there is no room for him.No way would I consider doing that ( DC are 23/18 here).
Expecting your DC to move on and become independent,yes,obviously - but this isn't that.
The best option seems the buying/renting of a 4 bedroom and your DS contributing his share.However he can't choose not to do that and still expect to live with you.You said your DH wouldn't accept this - why? That,the fact that you wouldn't feel comfortable asking,and your DS would refuse - really you all just need to get over that,you are adults.DS needs to realise he HAS to pay his way,you need to accept a bit of discomfort.
If DS does choose to live somewhere else then he has had some choice,but "we are moving to London for DC 2 and there is no room for you" - just no.

But of course he hasn't got this job yet has he - what if that's more of a problem than you expect?.

You gave your older DS the security of his school by living in the area for 5 years . And now , quite rightly , you want to give your younger DS the same opportunity for maybe 2 years?

Your older DS hasn't qualified yet? He's got a few months to go.

Tell him to look in other areas (Manchester , Birmingham, Liverpool) to get the experience that will help him land that London job.
He will pay rent and fund himself (and learn)

Then if you move , get him a sofa bed or similar .
Maybe your offices can combine if he stays with you for a short visit.(but only temporary)

He needs to know he must contribute (and he'll need to pay back his Student Loans at some stage)
I can see a load of resentment brewing from your DH an your DS 1

I would rather set up a work area in another room than lose my child's bedroom. Adult or not, I always want them to feel they can come home.

I think you need to ensure he has a space given everything you are doing centres around the younger sibling or resentment could set in.

Has he not already applied for graduate schemes etc? A good degree does not automatically mean he can walk into a well paid job.

How about a large 3 bed place ? Or alternatively look to buy with you, DP and DS all on the mortgage?

I'm a little bit confused about whether your son is actually living elsewhere now or not?My parents moved when I went to uni at 17, so I had to move all my stuff to my Nana's house. I didn't mind, I was already living away, might have been nice if they'd told me when I was around to pack, but that's a separate point. There is always a bed at my parents and I think you should make sure your son knows there is shared space for him to stay, without needing to give him a whole room. (I'm not sure why the office can't go in the living room though? And have you looked at multiple areas for cost?)

But getting a 4 bedroom where you will rely on him contributing is madness and setting you up for a financial mess.
He may not move to London.
He says he won't pay rent.
He may not get a job.
You only get what you can afford now.

Sorry at 21 and having been to uni he shouldn't even be thinking of going back home. He needs to rent a room/flat share

Why would you not include him? He's part of the family and he's asked to move back in.

You'd at least need to have a conversation surely?

I think as PP have said you need to have a clear discussion with your DH and elder DS. DS cannot have it both ways - if he wants the convenience and support of living with his family then he needs to pay something and do a certain amount of household tasks. If he is not bothered about living with you he will have to budget to live elsewhere but can't under the restrictions of your budget expect you to have space to put him up for more than the odd few nights here and there (sofa bed? futon? etc in sitting room or office) as you might with any guest. I'm sure (or sincerely hope) that both DH and DS are mature and sensible enough adults to understand this.

Sorry at 21 and having been to uni he shouldn't even be thinking of going back home. He needs to rent a room/flat share

Why on earth not?

These blanket statements are weird.

Or alternatively look to buy with you, DP and DS all on the mortgage?
a terrible idea when the DS has already said he would not contribute financially if living at home.

Honestly some of the replies make it clear why men children exist.

You need an office room to work in which will pay the mortgage, without that office room there will be no house in London.

He is a big grown up now and has 2 choices. Pay rent to someone else for a room in a property to live in or pay you. He CANNOT, at the age of 21, have a free ride in life.

DO NOT let people here bully you in buying a property you CANNOT afford just so a grown man can live at home without contributing to his living costs and accept everything done for him.

If he doesn't want to pay you rent and cannot afford to live in London then he have to find himself somewhere to live outside the London area and commute like normal people.

You have supported him and looked after him for 21 years now, he needs to start wearing his big boy pants and you need to step up as a parent and stop treating him like child.

As others have said, perhaps find a place with an office that could also be used as a guest room which he could use short term whilst he finds himself somewhere to live and get on his feet.

Tbh I wouldn't be crucifying myself financially to provide a spare bedroom for an adult with good job prospects.

Your choice is to not have a room for him, or to invite him to contribute to paying for that room.