Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

adult children and a bedroom at home

244 replies

everymummy · 13/01/2019 11:15

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

OP posts:
Trills · 13/01/2019 11:42

he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us

Then he can live elsewhere.

robininbrum · 13/01/2019 11:43

@everymummy

Soooooo, you are tailoring a cosy little office in your flat in London, but not ensuring there is a room for your 21 y.o. son?! Confused

Unbelievable. Shock

Not gonna lie; I feel sorry for your 21 y.o. son. Does he know you and your DH value office space more than him living with his family!? Hmm

Words fail me..... seriously!

PlumpSyrianHamster · 13/01/2019 11:43

Okay, so he doesn't want to pay rent and, from the sounds of it, do anything in the home - like feed himself, wash his clothes, etc.

I'd get a 3-bed. Utterly ridiculous to compromise yourselves so much financially (a 4 bed in London is going to be very costly) to allow him who is in well paid work to loaf around.

You won't be in London forever, it's temporary move, and though he's 'only' 21 he needs to start growing up. Paying rent and functioning like an adult is part of that.

Stormy76 · 13/01/2019 11:43

He either rents a room somewhere or pays rent to live with you guys the. You can afford a four bed.

brizzledrizzle · 13/01/2019 11:43

If you are renting then he will need to contribute financially.If you don't want to ask him for rent then maybe get him to pay the going rate for rent at where you are living now?

It's different for us as we own but I've always planned to have a bedroom for each of the DCs in my home.

IdaDown · 13/01/2019 11:44

If you both work from home, do both of you need an office each?

What about 3 bed, one which doubles up as office/DS bedroom?
Strict agreements re tidiness, privacy at certain times between DS and the office sharer.

For the other homeworker, what about building a home office in a cupboard. It could blend in with the living room decor. We have one. Long enough for laptop, writing and printer space along a long worktop run. Drawers on wheels underneath. Shelves with lighting underneath. Chairs push under desk top and doors shut.
Doesn’t feel cramped, hides the mess and don’t loose a room.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2019 11:44

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it. I know it's a sensible approach and I would, indeed probably have advised others to do that, but in our case, it's just out of the question. Not least because DH would never do it.

Then your DH had better come up with a solution.

If your DS gets a good job he needs to pay 'keep'. He really should contribute. He also shouldn't expect you to wait on him hand and foot either.

He's a grown-up now. Needs to start acting like one.

Onecabbage · 13/01/2019 11:45

Would you be able to put a sofa bed in anywhere? So as your oldest would have somewhere or would he be prepared to share with your youngest?
You need to find out if he is planning to come ‘home’ as you may be worrying needlessly.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 13/01/2019 11:45

Not gonna lie; I feel sorry for your 21 y.o. son. Does he know you and your DH value office space more than him living with his family!? hmm

The dad uses the office to work to support his family. The couple work from home. Without their work, they wouldn't be able to pay the rent and bills so that would be quite detrimental to family life Hmm. They need the office space to earn their living.

goldengoddess · 13/01/2019 11:46

Why on earth shouldn't your son contribute financially if he is working? My 20 year old is working full time and now pays us a nominal rent of £300 a month towards food/bills. we live in London and have worked out it would cost him nearer £1000 a month to live in flat share by the time his rent/council tax/utility bills/food bills are taken into consideration. You should give your son a choice, as previous posters have said - either he pays the difference between a three/four bed flat, or else lives independently.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2019 11:47

@robininbrum

Not gonna lie; I feel sorry for your 21 y.o. son. Does he know you and your DH value office space more than him living with his family!?

The office space is pretty valuable as it's this space that enables the OP and her husband to work and therefore afford the home for everyone.

Yulebealrite · 13/01/2019 11:48

So what happens if you rent a 4 bed with all that extra cost then he gets a job in Manchester?

corythatwas · 13/01/2019 11:48

Robininbrum, did you miss the bit where this grown young man, who is looking for a well-paid job, is flat out refusing to make any contributions to this family? Doesn't sound like he cares an awful lot, does it?

The OP has already explained that a) they need to move because of the youngest child's need for a specialist school b) they can't afford a 4-bed flat unless the eldest contributes. So how are they going to solve that if he is flat out refusing to contribute? Refuse the younger child an education? Magic money tree?

Our adult dd lived at home between the ages of 19 and 21, working in a low-paid job, but she lived here as an adult member of the family: contributing a portion of her salary towards shared costs and doing part of the cooking and housework. It's what adults do.

lazyarse123 · 13/01/2019 11:49

Why would he refuse to pay rent, he's an adult that's how it works. What does your husband expect to happen? Is he going to support your son till he's 40?

BarbaraofSevillle · 13/01/2019 11:49

Why should an adult with a well paid job live for free while his parents struggle financially robin Confused

pfwow · 13/01/2019 11:50

They value office space more than a space for their son? What a ridiculous comment. If you work from home, you need a place to work from. This has to be the low point of the thread.
I think your eldest should move out at after graduating, and to be honest, there is no guarentee whatsoever that he will even get a job in London. You will just have to get a place with a sofa bed, so he can stay but not actually live with you. That is pretty normal at 21!

TulipsInbloom1 · 13/01/2019 11:50

If your son is a working adult, out of education then he should be financially contributing to the place he is living. Whether that is with you or in a house share.

If he paid you £100 per week all in, would that cover the additional rent?

ImNotKitten · 13/01/2019 11:51

I don’t think it’s right not to factor a bedroom for him into the equation. Lots of people are living at home for longer now to save up. The caveat is that he needs to be paying you a contribution too.

TulipsInbloom1 · 13/01/2019 11:51

You could always give him and your other son the biggest bedroom to share. That will motivate him to move out for sure.

partinor · 13/01/2019 11:52

Most people starting out in London house share. If he is earning enough money to do this then I would buy the place you want, and tell him that he can live with you, but needs to share a room with his brother. Then he will only stay with you if he really needs to as, as no 21 year old wants to still share a room with their brother.

Spudina · 13/01/2019 11:52

When I got my first job in a nursing home at 17, I earned £3.15 an hour. My DF charged me rent. If your son earns, he should pay rent. Even if it's not a large amount.

adultchildalcoholicparents · 13/01/2019 11:53

It would need to be a very well-paid job for him to afford a flat by himself in London; realistically it would be a flat-share.

Family member is in graduate recruitment for finance sector - the number of people in programmes that are terminated because the bank decides to drop the intake after 3 months is high. And very few of them earn anywhere near enough to afford rents in London.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/01/2019 11:53

Show him the difference in rent between a 3 and 4 bed flat and give him the choice - he lives with you in a 4 bed and pays the difference or he finds his own place and you rent a 3 bed.

Butchyrestingface · 13/01/2019 11:53

I think he would point blank refuse to pay rent to us and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable asking for it. I know it's a sensible approach and I would, indeed probably have advised others to do that, but in our case, it's just out of the question. Not least because DH would never do it.

I was going to agree with the majority and say YABU. However, after your latest update, HELL TO THE NO.

However, if your husband isn't on side even with your son paying rent, how are you ever going to talk the boy into moving into a flat?

bobdylannumber1 · 13/01/2019 11:54

My ds is 25 lives 20 miles up the road with girlfriend his bedroom is here with his bed nothing else and husband uses it as an offuce son only ever stays if we are on holidays to pet/house sit and at Christmas bit he knows there is a bed if he needs it bit we do have a 4 bedroom house I think they need t know it's there like security blanket bit office and sofa bed sounds good or money towards the room in London