adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

DH will be of the opinion that you don't have to pay rent for someone who's earning 50k
Really? A 21 year old graduate earning £50k. Has he actually got this fabulous job?

Your update on his history makes a difference. Also you haven't actually had a conversation with him so you don't know he will refuse to pay. I think you risk alienating him if he is excluded from the family by virtue of not having a room.

I have one at uni and one in his first job. DC1 lived at home for the first year of working and I expect DC2 to come home after graduating at least for a while. Even when they've gone for good I would want to be able to accommodate them, we will downsize but still want 2 spare bedrooms.

I thought someone's suggestion of renting office space instead of working from home sounded good.

Having read your update OP it does make it much more important that you do provide a bedroom for DS1. I think I would still have the conversation with him about how it's going to be paid for.
I suppose it depends on whether you literally cannot afford a 4 bed place in which case I would very much phrase it to your son as, let's all try to come up with solution, make him part of the adults discussion. Because otherwise without his contribution it isn't going to happen is it?
If you actually can afford it but it would be a stretch, I'd be inclined to go ahead with the 4 bed and tell DS nothing of all this.

Get a three bed and if the eldest comes home the two kids share?

I think you need to make some provision for the eldest unless he has already got a job. Graduate jobs aren't a sure thing, many graduates need to spend a few months on very low wages or as unpaid interns before they get a proper wage.

I would always have a room for my dear child, they're 22 doing an MA and living with their partner...

Get the cheapest possible house you need — 2 bed. Make it clear it’s temporary and bunk him and 9 yo together. If he argues then ask him for rent for a bigger place.

@infinitecurve

My view it that it is very harsh to say to a 21 yr old who hasn't yet got a job,even if his prospects are good,that you are moving and there is no room for him.No way would I consider doing that ( DC are 23/18 here.)

Yeah exactly this. I can't believe some of the posts I am reading on here. Yeah, he is 21, he needs to leave and never come back!

From what I can see the OP is just assuming that her son won't contribute.

I'm sorry but tailoring your home to ensure that is no room for your young adult child to come back - EVER - is just cruel IMO.

@HauntedPencil

Why would you not include him? He's part of the family and he's asked to move back in.

This too. ^

@LazyPuppy

Sorry at 21 and having been to uni he shouldn't even be thinking of going back home. He needs to rent a room/flat share.

Christ on a bike! I would never ever EVER treat my kids like this! WTF is wrong with people? And saying letting them live at home as a young adult (post uni) will make them a man-child or immature, and not able to do 'adulting' is just ludicrous. Are we really turning into a society where parents turf their kids out to uni and 18, and then do everything to make sure they can never return? How horrible. And how depressing.

The 21 y.o. son of the OP must be pretty pissed off and hurt. His younger sibling is clearly being favoured, massively. I bet the OP won't do the same to him when HE is 21. FFS, the 21 y.o. hasn't even got a naffing job yet! And I'm sorry, but I don't believe the 21 y.o. would point blank refuse to pay anything towards rent and bills (once he got a job,) like the OP said conveniently later on in the thread.

@Ethel80

It's very upsetting to feel you have no base or place to go home to.

Exactly! Doesn't stop some people thinking it's OK to boot their young adult children out forever though!

I really, really wouldn’t “throw him out” which is how getting a three bed without a real discussion will feel. You have to find a compromise eg a 3.5 bed with tiny office space, or a big room you divide for DSes, or... you can involve him in that discussion.

I don’t think the contributing to rent point is actually that relevant right now - you have no idea what his financial situation will be. If he is earning a lot then taking a small contribution would make sense but charging a 21 year old London market rent without knowing their income does not say “you are part of our family”.

Given your update I would talk to him honestly. Explain you're moving to London, you assume and are keen that he'll continue to live with you but you need to work out what you can afford. Will he be contributing rent? If not you'll need a much smaller place.

Thank you all again. I'm writing this at the earliest stage, nothing is decided and nothing has been discussed. We could afford to spend loads on a big rental but this isn't a sound decision for our business particularly since DS could take a job elsewhere or just find somewhere he prefers to live with friends or whatever, rendering the whole thing an expensive mistake.

Does your husband work nights from the home office? I’m guessing not.

3 bed house, and 21yo has a sofa bed in the office room. Plenty good enough for privacy and comfort, basic enough for you to persuade yourself itself OK not to be brave enough to pay his own way.

Or the boys share.

So DS1 is your step son if I have understood your recent update? He came to live with you in his early teens so I take it his relationship with his own DM isn't great and now you and his dad don't want to factor him in when you plan to move just when he finishes uni? You do realise getting a job after uni isn't a guarantee and they are highly competitive. We don't have space in our house for my eldest who is at Uni as I have 3 other DC however we always shuffle round things so he has a space in our house. I wonder if you would suggest the same when your biological DC heads to uni?

Given the additional information you have given us, I would tell him that you will be moving to London for your DDs school, and will be moving into a three bed flat initially until he finds himself a job. At that point, he will have to pay rent to you and you will upgrade to a four bed if he decided to stay with you and you need more space.
Regardless of the back story, an adult who is working full time should contribute to their living expenses. Failing to do so is a very bad idea in his steps to become fully independent

oops just seen that this is your nephew. Poor boy , feel for him.

Not answering the OP but those saying there will always be a place for their DC at home, etc, how can you turf them out...I know I have a place to go at either of my parents' should the need arise but that doesn't mean I've got an entire bedroom set aside for me just on the off chance!

So, just to be clear.
He hasn't refused to contribute.
He doesn't have a job yet, let alone paying £50K.
You could afford to spend loads on a big rental but would rather not.
You haven't discussed it with him.
Would you prefer that he didn't live with you for some other reason?

I do remember your old posts when he first came to you. It sounds as though you've done a great job. Don't give up now. It's not even as though you are buying a house, just renting. Even if he didn't live at home wouldn't it be good for him to have a room to come home to.

I used to post a lot on here about our situation, under various names, but on every thread there's also one poster who says "i bet you wouldn't treat your biological child like that". It's a really shit comment to make and shows a total lack of understanding.

Yeah the 'update' makes naff-all difference. Still a bad way to treat him.

If it was me, I'd rent a 3 bed place, tell dc1 that you can't afford a separate bedroom for him, but you'll give the 2 dcs the largest room and they'll have to share. That you understand if once he's got a job he decides to move out and flat share.

You can't afford a 4 bed. You need a room for DHs office, so the children share or the adult child gets his own place if that's not ok.

He may well not get a job in London.

He cant seriously expect to live in London rent free with you.
I'd just tell him either he pays X amount every month or rents somewhere himself

What with?

Ds doesn’t have any money and no job and hasn’t even graduated yet.

If you have taken responsibility for him then you treat him as a family member who needs housing.

Can I ask why you are moving? Do you have to. Surely the school has a boarding facility or they could put you in touch with a host family. Then youngest Ds could just board during the week

So this is your step son? Is your DH happy with your suggestion that you deliberately rent somewhere that excludes his son even thought financially you could accommodate him?

I find this all very different from my (I thought completely reasonable) experience - I'm from a big family, the moment I went to Uni my bedroom was given to another sibling so they didn't have to share.

I never had an expectation that I would be able to, or was entitled to move back in with my parents once I'd moved out.

I would have a conversation with him. About how much more a 4 bed flat would cost - see what his thoughts/expectations/plans are.

Where in London is it that you would need to move? There’s often a place close by but less highly sought after which is cheaper so 4 beds there + a little bit of commuting might be more affordable than a 3 bed + walking distance?

Office for DH with a pull out sofa bed in it and a cupboard for DS stuff? If it's only a temp situation could that work?

I think that's the way to go.
Your DS is an adult now so sit down with him and explain the situation and the finances. Also on the subject of rent he does need to make a contribution to bills if he's working. Obviously if he's sleeping on a sofabed this wouldn't be massive and should allow him to save . You need to make it clear he's always part of the family.

TheBigBangRocks He's her nephew.