adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

What if he doesn't get a job straightaway? OP, I think it sounds as though you are going to want to be able to offer him a home if he needs it, and he might well need it. But you need to actually talk to him. Be honest about why you are wanting to move, what the limitations of your finances are, what it will mean if you decide to go for a 4 bed place or a 3 bed place or stay where you are. He doesn't get to make the decision, but he's an adult and he should be able to understand the issues and explain his preferences.

*He is 21, still at university with no job.

How is he supposed to move out and magically rent some where.*

What most people i knew did was if they didn't have a job during their studies (including a holiday job they could go back to) they got any job after finals as there is the gap after final exams and graduation where most are still paying rent on student houses (or the parents are). This means they could save up to move to another house share or flat (or whatever).

The few students I know in my family who have graduated in the last 3 years have also done this.

Not everyone has parents who can afford to bank roll them, and not everyone moves back to their home town.

Travisandthemonkey
How does you hypothetical Enfield dweller save a property deposit? £1500 take home £220 on travel £600 rent, bills and council tax would be more than your proposed £100, what about food etc? Also you'd have to live in Enfield...

I moved home after I graduated at 22, I'd taken a gap year to work and save for uni, not to be mummied, my mother doesn't even know a cooker from a vacuum cleaner, let alone be willing to run around after an adult. I very much contributed, cooked a lot of the family meals, did the grocery shop, mucked in with chores, lived in zone six close to the tube, had a great independent digital life, holidayed, passed my test, bought a car, paid off most of my student loan, got a job and then a promotion and bought my first flat at 25 on my own with no gifted deposit. I gave my parents £40 a week which was the most they would accept and I thought at least it went towards food, my brother did the same. My parents weren't in a position to give us huge chunks of cash but this was a way they could support us to be long term independent and stable. People I know who rented straight out of uni are mostly still doing so now I'm their thirties , even though they also have good jobs etc. You can't rent have a live it up, independent London life and get together a deposit for a property in London/home counties on 22k a year in three years.

What the fuck is wrong with Enfield.

Look, my point is, at 21 I wanted to make friends, build a career after uni, meet someone.
I started saving at about 26.
The few years before that were just about learning to be an adult, learning to live with strangers, boyfriends etc.

I mean I’m sure you did very well. And you should be proud

It’s all horses for courses. There are some that would rather stay at home for uni, and others that want to go out and grab the world with both hands, go and do mad things with interesting people. and are quite happy not having a mortgage till their in their 30s

Bully for you @travisandthemonkey But with each post you submit, you come across as more judgemental and pious, and frankly rather rude.

If YOU have managed a wonderful life of living it up, and partying in LONDON as well as forging a great career, and saving shedloads on top, how WONDERFUL for you! But your snide and smug attitude towards those who don't do this, CAN'T do this, or just don't want to do this, and prefer to live with parents a few years longer, is making you come across as quite smug and judgemental, and even a bit jealous and bitter.

Just STOP. You have no right to judge people who choose a different way to live. Who do you think you are?

Rent a three bed. Have a bedroom for each DS. However eldest needs to pay something each week at least for food. One of you work from master bedroom in a corner space and the other in sitting room or kitchen. It can work ok.

He'll never be able to afford a flat in London. Maybe house share.

@robininbrum
I just said it’s a choice and that jasper should actually be proud of what she’s done. It did you think that was sarcasm.

How you get that I’m smug and judgmental from that, I don’t know, unless you read into every nuance on the internet.
I said horses for courses. It’s not what I would chose as a young adult.

I didn’t party loads, I couldn’t afford it, i got the bus everyday and I earned 12k when I started out. I lived with 3 friends from college and they’re my best friends to this day, and we have a connection because we lived together for 3 years. I don’t think I would have something that special if I had stayed at home.

That’s just a point of view.
It’s not being judgmental.

You're not comfortable asking your ds to pay rent but you're thinking of telling him he's got no home?

Have any posters saying chuck him out got or have had a 21 year old? My dds are technically adults because of their ages but I wouldn't ever tell them they haven't got home!
I work from home I work in the kitchen I don't expect my children to move out so I can have their room, I adapt and do what I can.

they got any job after finals as there is the gap after final exams and graduation where most are still paying rent on student houses (or the parents are). This means they could save up to move to another house share or flat (or whatever

From what has been said he has been at home during university years and the OP is asking to move immediately so where is he going to be whilst he saves up this money.

There is no room for him where he lives because that house will be sold and no room in London.

For a child who has had a rocky start kicking him out is the last thing op should be doing.

Our adult DS rents a room in a shared house in Stratford. Where we live up North he could get a whole house for the same money. His job is in London, but we cannot help with the costs involved.

We keep his room at home for holidays and Christmas, he is welcome back at any time.

Winterberriesonatree

Did he rent it before he got a job or after

robininbrum how can Travis be both smug and bitter, that doesn't make sense!

If you have a house in London it's mean to say your own child can't sleep there if they get a job in London, in the office or on the couch at a push.

However it's unrealistic to claim most adult children live with parents after university. My parents had a big house with room and were comfortably off, but the house was up north in an area with no prospects for me. Of course I moved away - first abroad then to London - straight after university and never moved in with them. None of my university friends or school friends who went to university moved back in with parents.

A very large number of new graduates even with families who have a bedroom for them go it alone because their parents don't live in or near one of the relatively few big cities with plentiful suitable graduate jobs. That hasn't changed and never will.

I disagree with the above comment. From knowing my sons friends, they all go home after a degree as they can’t afford not to, even though l live in the North.

I also teach A level in my local school. I constantly see students who left to go to university back at home after their 3 years. Again it’s down to money.

When l was at university l never went hone, but young people are living in a very different financial climate to that.

I would say from what l know that the majority return home these days

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince that's interesting. How do new graduates from rural areas and small towns and non prosperous cities get their careers going from their parental homes? Do they commute significant distances every day by car or public transport? Or do they give up and take non graduate jobs?

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince totally agree with you. I live in London and my neighbours DC who took off to uni all came home whilst they looked for jobs. Interestingly my neighbours son went to Oxford University and is back living at home as he looks for a job so going to a top uni doesn’t guarantee that you skip into a high paying job. Some DC did stay in the university town and get a job there and continue to house share however from my experience a lot of friends have found there now adult DC needing there room back. I know a lot of graduates having to take on low paid jobs while they apply for highly competitive post grad jobs and there. pay wouldn’t cover the cost of private rent unless they got UC . It’s not easy for DC now and given the sheer numbers of graduates now compared to years ago competition is high!

gambaspilpil Im Not at this stage with my own children (eldest early teens) and really want to know what becomes of new graduates who's parents don't live somewhere with plentiful graduate jobs. Do you know what happened to your children's university friends from rural areas and small towns not on the outskirts of prosperous cities?

I don’t know any graduates from rural areas. I live in a city in a semi rural part of it. I guess a graduate from a rural area would need to learn to drive or cadge lifts if they went back home

But ds had loads of Skype interviews from London based companies. He only needed to travel to London once. What I’m trying to say is modern technology can connect people to interviews and jobs wherever they are located.

And yes to initially having to take on low paying jobs. A lot have to do this whilst they look for a proper job, and they have to live at home.

I think it’s a very different world to what was happening when l did my degree.

We’ve factored in that they will probably boomerang until they are settled or about 30. When the first one went to uni, we thought that that they had gone for good. How wrong we were!!! They are still littering the place now!

He's still young to feel excluded like that, my two SSs are in their 30s now which is why we're now extending the house so that there is room for everyone when they come to stay (but admittedly not in London, which would be expensive!) Could you put a desk in the 21 year old's room so that your husband can use it during the day while he's at work?

OP, if you cut those apron strings now then don’t be surprised if he’s not there when you decide to sew them back on again when you’re 60.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince that's all very well for first interviews, but new graduates don't get to telecommute.

I'd be incredibly surprised if new graduates from Cornwall and Northamptonshire and rural parts of Yorkshire and Scotland and Wales etc etc aren't moving to London and perhaps Leeds and a few other cities as soon as they have a job offer, and living in shared houses just as we did 20+ years ago.

Most new graduates won't have the luxury of a parental home in London - it's only possible normal to move in with parents after university if your parents live in London or a couple of other cities, or if you don't want a graduate job (with the exception of some vocational degrees, but doctor's, nurses, teachers and lawyers still have to move to where the jobs are initially and can't be fussy about working in their home town or somewhere cheap to live until they have established careers).

Doesn't change the fact it would be a very specific kind of cruel rejection to actually move to London as parents but decline your new graduate a place to sleep because you want an office without a sofa bed in it and although you could afford a 4 bed to allow office and bedroom it's not right for your business...

Okay I haven't RTFT. He would point blank refuse to pay you rent? Are you really thinking the situation through? I think you need to sit down and talk to him. This is not a pre-exisiting room. If you go for a four bed flat he will need to contribute towards the rent from his earnings, otherwise you can only afford a three bedroom flat. Look at the amount you would need him to contribute (based on the price difference between three and four bedrooms). Compare this to flat shares with him. I assume you have happy/able to cover his food, and if he is only covering the price difference it will give him a chance to save compared with a flat share. (When I lived at home as an adult, I did not pay rent, but covered all food costs and did most of the supermarket trips and cooking for the household. So 'rent' is not the only option.) That said, he does not have a job. Consider what you will do if he struggles to find a job if you need his contribution. Equally what would he do if you only have a three bed flat and he struggles to find work? I would make it clear that he is always welcome, but if you have a three bed flat he needs to sleep in the living room/ study so it will only be a short term/visiting option.

Hmm, my DS earns 27k in a graduate job, rents a room in Brixton for an eye watering £770 a month all in (decent room though), cycles to work, so no commuting costs and is basically having the time of his life.

He is absolutely skint though and unable to save anything. Fortunately he has a bit of a cushion saved up from when he lived at home. I've advised him to live his life now and only think about saving when he gets a raise.