adult children and a bedroom at home

[everymummy]

I'm wondering what other people think about this.

We have two children, 9 and 21.

We move a lot although we stayed in one place for 5 years to give the older child stability through secondary/exams,. He is now 21 and about to leave university with a very good degree and excellent job prospects. He's looking for a well-paid job.

Our younger child needs to go to a specialist school and we are moving to London to make this happen.

When we tell older DS he is going to be jumping for joy. He's hoping to work in London after he graduates and so this will solve all his problems. He likes an easy life, really enjoys his home comforts, having nice food cooked for him, etc. He won't be in a hurry to be more independent.

If he lives with us we would need a 4 bed flat, because DH needs an office (we both work from home) and that's just not feasible.

It's a temporary move as little DS will be able to go back into mainstream in a couple of years and we would hope to buy a family home even before then.

I don't want adult DS to feel pushed out, and we are always there for him. But I also feel he would be able to afford to get a flat at least after banking a couple of months salary and he's never taken any responsibility for himself.

How bad is this? I haven't made any decisions or spoken to him about it yet.

I couldn't imagine not having space for all DC while they are still not independent. I can forsee many issues arising from not including him to be honest

He's 21. If he wants to live with you still then I'm sorry, he needs to be contributing something, especially if moving to London rates. Also, he is capable of finding a flat share further afield and commuting to a job when he finds one. We've all had to do it and manage carefully.

I also understand why you need an extra room as an office. My DH is self employed and it allows him to go in a close the door to get on with work. That's dad's office and when the door is shut you leave him alone.

At 21 he is more than capable and should be starting to live his own life and being responsible for himself.

No matter what age is 21,40 or 60 if they are still living at home they'd still have a place here .and the decisions would include them .but they be paying rent and they know this and would accept it not happily but we do it unless unforeseen circumstances meant they couldn't. if they were at home for whatever reason they need to be they are included always as my child I can't understand how it could ever be any different . there are all sorts of reasons now especially that they need to be home.

I think he’s still v young and needs to have the option of living with you. I think if you don’t have a room for him you could have relationship problems. He should definitely contribute towards his keep though! You aren't doing him any favours if you allow him to live in a bubble!

My parents would still have us now if we needed to.over 30. Threads like this make me appreciate them so much

But would also contribute in any way we can cooking cleaning money wise because would be hugely appreciate it

I can't believe someone has said it would be nicer to fkatshare with family rather than strangers - he is an adult !!

After uni I was used to living with friends and certainly would not have lived at home by choice. I did go back and forth to my mum's during rentals etc so I of course can see why you would prefer to have a room for him - but I'm sure most 21 year olds would rather live with their friends if they could ?

I think people on Mumsnet are a bit unrealistic. If the op can't afford a larger flat then that's life - lots of families can't afford extra bedrooms.

It would be good for him if you can help him get on his feet and get a bedroom - there are many many parts of London where a room in a shared house is less than the 800 quid mentioned above !!

He is an adult..surely he would enjoy a house share ? Parties friendships getting on with adult life ..

For example Brixton mentioned above is now a very desirable expensive area - it's zone two and on a tube. There are many places cheaper than Brixton that are perfectly nice to live in

robininbrum how can Travis be both smug and bitter, that doesn't make sense!

Of course you can be smug about what you have, and bitter about thinking other people are getting too much help to achieve what you feel you achieved all by yourself. Makes perfect sense.

Honestly OP, I think you do need to consider your elder son's needs and make provision for him- but he will have to understand that he would need to contribute.

We are in a rural area. DS got a graduate job in a city 1 hour away and for the first few months commuted in by train. It was hard because he had to leave home very early (before the buses ran) so needed a lift to the station and was home late, but it enabled him to save a deposit for rent.

I live in rural Yorkshire, there are no "new graduate" jobs here other than medicine and teaching.
DS1 got a graduate job in the nearest city and commuted for a year by car while saving every penny (I didn't charge him rent) before renting a flat.
Of other graduates I know - some got graduate jobs straight away and never moved back home, some went into teaching and got jobs locally and some moved home and got non grad jobs whilst searching for a permanent career. I expect DD to fall into the last category.

Could you rent a 3 bed with one of the bedrooms being large enough to accommodate desk space etc?

I think I'd be looking at another solution. I think you can tell him some compromise will be needed and explain why, but not just tell him there's no room for him. The office space will have to timeshare with one of the bedrooms, or possibly with the dining area. Millions of people in this country manage to work from home in homes without a dedicated office. You look into investing in a Murphy bed or studybed so an office/bedroom works well as both. Maybe older one gets bedroom shared with office, younger one gets smallest bedroom.

It does sound like your eldest son needs a sense of home but this can be achieved by giving him his own space in some way. Shared homeworking / sleeping space called DS's room.rather than Dad's office. There is no guarantee he will want to live with you or that the location of your flat will be at all convenient for his yet to be found work. Moving a few streets away in London can make a huge difference to rental prices so it is possible that you might be able to find somewhere that works for everyone with a few compromises..

Yes my DS lived at home and commuted to Manchester for a year, saving up all he could before moving to London. He did pay us rent though.

And when he got his job in London he lived in a shared room in a hostel for the first two weeks while he was room hunting. He said that was pretty grim.

Brixton seems like a fun place to live: we have visited and had a great time.

Started and Tinkly thanks.

People often complain that MN is London centric but this is the first time.e it's really hit me.

I couldn't have commuted to a graduate job from where my parents lived - nearest likely city was 2 hours without traffic away, longer by public transport.

Plenty of new graduates can't just move back in with parents unless they don't have any intention of using their degree. There really wasn't much steady, year round work near my parents at all tbh. and that hasn't changed and isn't unique.

For two years, I would be looking for a place that afforded an 'ok' 3 bed that accomodated homeworking and your son (neither necessarily perfectly, and with your son paying some contribution - either food or token rent).

Either one with a good sized living space, or a larger 3rd bedroom, or just anything that made it 'doable' - the assistance with rent from your son could even help finance co-working space rental for your husband.

Our rough plan is to buy a house that has a multipurpose guest/study room next - we can't afford a proper 4 bed where we want to live next, or at least we'd be able to get a much nicer house by compromising on the 'spare' space. And the 4th room will be spare - either in the day or the night.

If you really want to, you can make a 3 bed flat/ house work as a 4 bed. We live in a 3 bed house, the third bedroom being so small single bed has had to be adapted to fit in it. Luckily there are two reception rooms downstairs so one is now used as a bedroom. The other reception room is very small, the kitchen is tiny, we have no storage space and we're always having to come up with creative ways to carve out desk space for homework etc, but it can be done.

icannotremember

Yes, I think the absolutely critical factors are:

1. Whatever solution is arrived at, it's only two years.
2. The son in question doesn't have a job yet. He might find one in the hometown where the OP is also buying a house (or a casual job near friends also returning from Uni, whilst looking for long term work).

(In fact - if he could be trusted! - could your son effectively houseshare with one friend in your hometown, in the new family home, with the friend renting a room from you? That might actually cover an extra room in London or pocket money later.)