Dh wants me to quit work

[anxiousmotherof1]

Long story short started work in november after a year of maternity leave .
DS is in nursery full time . Since he started he has been getting sick literally every week i have already used alot of my annual leave
Just before xmas he got very ill and had to be in iv antibiotics . Then he got better and was fine while at home . As soon as he got back to nursery he got sick again only lasted 4 days . Doctor gave antibiotics again as he is wheezing

Dh thinks that he is not meant for nursery and that it would be better if i stayed home with him full time . Am not sure what to think i dont think i ll be comfortable not having any earnings but on the other hand i cannot keep going on like this ! I knew he would be getting sick but not this often .
We keep fighting about my job . Do you think is normal to get sick so often ? Thinking of changing him to another nursery that has an outstanding rating but i dont really think it will make a difference

OP we take it in turns when our DC are ill as much as possible because both our jobs are important, and my career and my happiness in it is as important to DH as his own.

The illnesses will settle, and will probably start again when he starts school. This is what happens. You can’t wrap him in cotton wool. But I see you still haven’t said if your DH has taken any annual leave when your child is ill. I assume not as childcare seems to be your responsibility.

The relationships board is full of women who would have swore blindly that their husband "wouldn't do that". You cannot guarantee someone else's behaviour and you would be exceptionally foolish to stake your financial independence and security on something you have zero control over.

I am sure your DH is a decent bloke etc., etc. But you need to think medium to longer term - if you give up your job now then you won't be able to go back at the same level, which means your earning power is compromised. Exactly how long would you be out of work for - 2 years, 5 years, until secondary school? What about the pension contributions for all those years?

You are thinking short term, which is that your son is constantly ill and it would be easier if you had a FT SAHP to take care of that. And when he starts school and gets ill? When a job needs to fit around school hours because he's not old enough to transport himself? Probably easier to stay at home. After school activities? Difficult to try and fit round ferrying him and working so best stay at home. There is always going to be a reason WHY.

All of the above is absolutely fine if you want to do it. But your posts suggest that you don't - in which case the way that you and your DH need to be looking at this, is that your son is constantly ill and we both work - how are we going to jointly address this problem without one of us not working? There will be a way - how do you think other families manage?!

I'd go part time and see how you get on. The first winter at nursery is the worst for illness.
I know this sounds really obvious but are you washing little ones hands with antibacterial soap regularly? I tend to do my toddlers when we get home from playing with other children (nursery, toddlers, soft play etc) and obviously before he eats.

Funny how this prince among men isn’t checking HIS company handbook to see how he can take parental leave for the sick days or unpaid leave or how he can apply to go part time.

He’s not the one working out the effects of maternity leave and then a career break in his wife’s earnings, career prospects and pension.

Funny how he doesn’t care enough about his child and his wife to do this.

Yet if/ when they get divorced he’s suddenly going to step up to 50% of the parenting.

If he doesn’t care about you and his child when you are still living together, OP, he sure as hell isnt going to do it when / if you divorce.

Do not give up work

I AM a SAHM although work flexibly around them, because my eldest has a serious illness. However as much as I value the SAH bit, if I still had a toe in the water of a decnt enjoyable career, which I would struggle to re enter when a child with (hopefully) no issues starts school, I would ensure 100% that I didnt let go of that.

It is MUCH MUCH easier to stay in a career and make adaptions (part time/ flexi time) than try to kick start it. You may not realise it yet, but it is after children that the pay gap starts to widen, and you get overlooked

My DD started nursery in September (many many years ago!) and oh.my.gawd she was ill constantly for a few months. It was a dreaded time looking back, but I linked through it (just!!). But it did get better - she’s been quite robust ever since, and rarely gets ill. However I did give up work just as it started getting better and she stopped getting sick (had DC2 and took redundancy) and it’s the biggest regret of my life. My perfect marriage DID eventually end in divorce and I’ve never quite recovered career wise. If you must, go part time maybe, but I really really wouldn’t recommend giving up entirely.

If you take him out of the nursery now and stay with him at home, then once he gets to school he'll start picking up the viruses as his immune system wouldn't have been built up at nursery. Yes, first year in any childcare setting with lots if other kids - snot and temp.
But it will pass.

Your D.C. will get used to it. And if your DH thinks the kid should be at home then would he consider - being the SAHP? Or reducing hours even by a day? You both go part time? Don’t give up your job - you give up your earning power, damage career, lose perks, what about your Nat Insurance and pension??

Agree with pp's, the first year of nursery, esp first winter is brutal. DS was constantly ill but getting MUCH better now and rarely poorly. Their little immune systems need to toughen up at some point - it's now or later!!

I started a business from home while a SAHP. Having the space away from full-time work, and the cushion of not having to make a profit straight away, allowed me to do that. So it's not necessarily the end of your career.

Ok just to clarify some things

1. he did use annual leave (as much as he had before january)
2. it made no sence to take more unpaid leave as i had more after maternity leave so yes intook more annual leave
3. he does care and look after his son . My ds loves him and they soend a lot Of time together he just wants me when he is poorly and i think that is common

@LEMtheoriginal i agree with you . My point was that my dh was being unreasonable to think of this straight away . I just think we need to ride it out until we know what the investigations show and maybe until spring when hopefully there wont be so many bugs.

I think he is very stressed out about the investigations and was just vending.
I came on here to see if this is "normal" (regarding the constant illnesses )

he just wants me when he is poorly

But this will never change unless your husband starts taking care of him at those times. Every time you do it, it just reinforces the status quo.

anxiousmotherof1 I see your points completely, it is normal for such a young child to get so much illness in a Creche especially the time of year. I started my DD in March and she was rarely sick in comparison to DS who started September and has been constantly sick.
You are both just worried and anxious wanting to protect your DS. If you can part time for 6 weeks, get some baby vitamins into DS, eat lots of vitamin C foods, by March he should be fitting fit with a tough immune system and ready for full time. Most coughs and colds will be over by then.

What about a childminder? They only have a few children so less likely to get ill.

Also why should you be the one to give up work?

That's bullshit. When my DS went nursery when I went back to work, he was ill every single week! Touch wood he is so, so much better now a year on and very rarely poorly! Only the odd cold or two and occasionally he may have something viral but nowhere near as much. Tell your DH the same will happen when he goes school as well! There's really nothing you can do. Kids pick up germs and they're going to get ill. It's also partly vital because it helps their immune system to develop.

Why is he suggesting you give up work and not him.
It doesn't matter who earns more.
He should also be covering sick days.
Seems you married a misogynist.

Do you want to quit work? Do you think it's the right decision?

Sorry for deflecting the questions back to you but I'm just highlighting what your priority should be here. Your DH can voice his opinion but ultimately it's up to you whether or not you quit work. Don't be pushed into anything. Your DH could change his work in some way to be more flexible too. The burden is not solely on you just because you are a woman.

Old thread alert

Old thread ressurected by someone with an agenda.

Why is your DH not sharing the time off with you equally?

Bloody Hell, forgot to check date, wonder what OP decided

Romany, of course it matters who earns more. When you're contemplating losing a salary it's pretty vital.

Bah, didn't refresh in time to notice the old thread alert.