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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh wants me to quit work

201 replies

anxiousmotherof1 · 13/01/2019 10:50

Long story short started work in november after a year of maternity leave .
DS is in nursery full time . Since he started he has been getting sick literally every week i have already used alot of my annual leave
Just before xmas he got very ill and had to be in iv antibiotics . Then he got better and was fine while at home . As soon as he got back to nursery he got sick again only lasted 4 days . Doctor gave antibiotics again as he is wheezing

Dh thinks that he is not meant for nursery and that it would be better if i stayed home with him full time . Am not sure what to think i dont think i ll be comfortable not having any earnings but on the other hand i cannot keep going on like this ! I knew he would be getting sick but not this often .
We keep fighting about my job . Do you think is normal to get sick so often ? Thinking of changing him to another nursery that has an outstanding rating but i dont really think it will make a difference

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 13/01/2019 11:31

Agree with childminder suggestion.

Has DH taken his fair share of time off to deal with DS sickness? Would he agree to give up his job/go part time?

Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 11:31

If your child is settled don't move them, unless you want be sahm.
Are there enough staff, nursery sometimes don't have enough one to one for little ones, but childminder also may be stretched.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 13/01/2019 11:33

Has your Husband used of any of his annual leave to look after his own child? Because it sounds like he hasn't ... and if so, that is incredibly selfish. Why should it all fall on you and your career?

I wouldn't leave my job with someone so selfish as my other half ... imagine how he'd treat you if he split and you'd given up everything!

XXcstatic · 13/01/2019 11:34

I'm a GP. On average, a child in its first year of mixed childcare (nursery/childminder/reception) will get 10-12 viral infections. It's miserable for both parents & DC, but it's totally normal. It definitely doesn't mean that your DS is not suited to nursery.

Schmoobarb · 13/01/2019 11:34

Nope. I’d consider a CM and tell him he needs to start taking time off as well

Racecardriver · 13/01/2019 11:37

This really hasn’t been my experience with either of my children. They didn’t get dick any more often once starting nursery but they bother started closer to age three. Is your son generally prone to illness. You may want to explore the possibility of an underlying issues.

Spudina · 13/01/2019 11:39

Both mine were poorly a few times in the first 6 months of nursery. DD1 is in year 2 of school and has never been off sick. It honestly gets better. Don't quit your job.

Original poster
anxiousmotherof1 · 13/01/2019 11:41

It doesnt make sence for my hasband to go part time . Firstly i dont think they will accept it and he earns much more than me.
He is under the pediatrician and his immune syatem is being tested to make sure there is nothing else going on this my my dh thinks we ahould stop nursery now
Nanny is not affordable. Childminder am a bit wary am not sure how they work or how to trust them.
He does take leave also but the truth is my ds doesnt settle with him when he is sick he just wants me .

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 13/01/2019 11:42

I think the timing has been unfortunate, November is when bugs start to emerge. Several years ago DS started nursery in January and the first few months were so hard, he was barely in nursery due to illness and one particular chest infection resulted in a hospital admission. We persevered because he was settled at nursery and within 4 months his immune system was coping better. On the plus side DS has barely had a day off in 4 years of primary school.

Don’t give up your job but do ensure your DH is also taking on the a fair share of the caring responsibilities. If your child hasn’t settled in nursery maybe consider a child minder?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2019 11:42

"Since he started he has been getting sick literally every week i have already used alot of my annual leave "
And how much annual leave has your husband used to care for HIS sick child? Does the fact that you don't have much left to take mean he sees there being no option but for him to take time off, and he's trying to head that off at the pass?

Do NOT give up your job!

TwllBach · 13/01/2019 11:42

DS was low to mid level poorly for fucking months. Like 10/11 months and it was terrible. I wasn't working at the time and I'm grateful because he was just so miserable. Oddly enough, though, I think if I had been working he might have been sick for less time, as he was only in nursery for two mornings a week (from 14 months) so in my head, he was picking all the bugs up but not there enough to build up an immune system quickly enough to combat them!

Hubanmao · 13/01/2019 11:42

Agree that a cm might be easier, just from the perspective that they can be more flexible. One of my dc went to a cm, who was happy to still have dd even if she was a bit under the weather. My other dc went to nursery, and their policy was to expect the child to be collected if they were at all unwell and then to be kept home til better. I completely understand that policy- a nursery is a different setting to a cm but it does make it tricky when they’re at the new stage and picking up every bug going . Obviously when a child is really poorly they just want mum - or dad. We split the time off on occasions when we just needed to be there. But given that many of these bugs are likely to be quite minor it’s worth considering switching to a cm who is happy to have your ds if he’s just a bit snuffly rather than being really unwell.
I definitely wouldn’t bother changing to another nursery- it will be unsettling and won’t reduce the illnesses. Being Ofsted outstanding is no prevention of normal childhood bugs!!

Bekabeech · 13/01/2019 11:43

I would investigate local ChildMinders. Some near me are absolutely wonderful (but you might struggle to get a place).

mogtheexcellent · 13/01/2019 11:43

It will get better after a few more months. Tell your DH he has to man up and take time off too.

No offence to SAHMs but leaving yourself unemployed makes you quite vulnerable should the marriage end.

Melabela10 · 13/01/2019 11:44

No way you should give up work. Getting ill when starting nursery is quite common. how old is you DC? Is Childminder/nanny an option for you?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/01/2019 11:45

For us, nursery was a much better option than childminder. Nurseries are open all year round so no having to time your holidays with a cm.

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2019 11:45

Yes it can be - are they different illnesses

And why do you take the annual leave and have to leave your job

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 13/01/2019 11:45

Children get ill when they start nursery. New environment, new germ exposure. I assume as he doesn’t take any time off when your child is sick and he wants you to give up working that he doesn’t value you working or your job at all? Is his job oh so important that he can’t take time off when he’s sick? Why only you?

What will your DH do when he goes to school and picks up all the new germs there? Home educate?

emzw12 · 13/01/2019 11:47

Kids get ill at nursery - you can ask if one does proper deep cleaning (ours does).
Eventually they build up an immunity and don't catch things quite so often.
Also are you talking about sick as in d&v? Because kids can still go to nursery with coughs and colds etc just not d&v / chicken pox.
My DS still goes to nursery with a cold / cough.

StoppinBy · 13/01/2019 11:48

Our DD never went to day care so hardly ever got sick as a baby/toddler, once she started kinder though it was a damn nightmare, endless rounds of colds/bugs, her little brother was born right after she started so he copped it all too, he had endless colds/ear infections and rounds of antibiotics which I hated giving him but he needed as well as a few hospital stays.

My thoughts on this is that whenever they start to have a lot of contact with other germ carriers children they will get sick very often but IME the younger ones get a lot sicker than the older ones.

ElspethFlashman · 13/01/2019 11:50

Mine were sick constantly for the first 6 months. It's completely normal.

If he only went in around November, then yeah of course he's sick. Nurseries are petrie dishes.

Your DH is being insane. Give up your career for a temporary problem??

Also I notice he's not suggesting he gives up A DAMN THING. Lovely. Hmm

minipie · 13/01/2019 11:55

I am not sure if this has already been suggested

In your situation I would suggest that you ask to take four weeks’ parental leave. You are entitled to this, it is unpaid but at least you keep your job, so it’s a good way to have some time off without making a permanent decision.

You need to give 21 days’ notice of taking parental leave so if you give notice sometime this week, you would have 3 more weeks at work (you’d have to muddle through these three weeks) but you would then be off work until early March.

By then 1) you’d have a better idea of whether there is an underlying health problem and 2) there would be way fewer bugs around in spring, so much easier on your little one to go back to nursery. And he’ll be a bit older and bigger.

I do think your DH needs to get his head around the idea that childcare is a shared responsibility though. Even if he can’t go part time he still may need to use some of his annual leave to cover some of the sick days. Otherwise it’s very unfair on you and your employer.

Original poster
anxiousmotherof1 · 13/01/2019 11:57

His views are rather conservative and his culture is different (as is mine) . He thinks that is his responsibility to provide for us however and he would never object to me working .he says i should work because i like my job but if i didnt he would have no issue "supporting" me even without kids.
The problem is that we have no family support so the only thing we could so is nursery

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/01/2019 11:57

As others said, it's perfectly normal for a child starting nursery. With mine it only happened at 3, but between September and Christmas he was off probably more than in.
A child minder seems like a good compromise because he'd be exposed to less children, but I'd still expect some illnesses.
Having said that, I suspect the worst will be over soon, so by the time you change nurseries or to a child minder, odds are that he'd have been ok in the first nursery too.

I also agree with others that your OH, regardless of salary, should take more responsibility. He can use his annual leave, with no loss of salary. And he should become more hands on, so that your child is more used to dad also providing comfort, not just mum.

I really don't recommend you leaving your job. For all sorts of reasons.

Micke · 13/01/2019 11:58

Out of interest, have you done the sums? Have you checked how much you would actually lose if you both went part time?

Given that if you give up work, you're kissing goodbye to 11k of tax free allowance, plus if he earns more than 50k, that's child benefit gone

Whereas if you're both part time, then all allowances are used, and you're more likely to be under the joint child benefit threshold.

In any case, one person entirely giving up work should be a last resort - it's a huge risk to that person to do so, and will affect the rest of their life enormously - it's not a decision to be made lightly.

If I were to do it for a person, I'd want some kind of contract written up to give me protection in the case of relationship breakdown, and plenty of life insurance because if the person who kept their job, and continued to accumulate experience dies or is incapacitated, the person who gave up their job has to start from zero experience-wise

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