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Original poster

Dh wants me to quit work

201 replies

anxiousmotherof1 · 13/01/2019 10:50

Long story short started work in november after a year of maternity leave .
DS is in nursery full time . Since he started he has been getting sick literally every week i have already used alot of my annual leave
Just before xmas he got very ill and had to be in iv antibiotics . Then he got better and was fine while at home . As soon as he got back to nursery he got sick again only lasted 4 days . Doctor gave antibiotics again as he is wheezing

Dh thinks that he is not meant for nursery and that it would be better if i stayed home with him full time . Am not sure what to think i dont think i ll be comfortable not having any earnings but on the other hand i cannot keep going on like this ! I knew he would be getting sick but not this often .
We keep fighting about my job . Do you think is normal to get sick so often ? Thinking of changing him to another nursery that has an outstanding rating but i dont really think it will make a difference

OP posts:
birdonawire1 · 13/01/2019 14:30

A ‘better’ nursery won’t help. Babies and toddlers have poor immune systems at this age and get every bug going and a nursery is the ideal breeding ground for viruses and infections.

It takes a couple of years but it does get better and immunity strengthens. Even kids who never go near a nursery will go through a couple of years of illness once they mix with other children.

Maybe go partime for a year so that you are more available for illnesses but it will eventually get better.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/01/2019 14:31

This post is really bothering me. I can't believe had the audacity to ask you to do this never mind it becoming an issue to fight over.

My DH would have never even considered asking this of me but if he had, it would have been shot down as an idea before he'd even finished the sentence.

Children get ill at this age plus it's always worse in winter. It gets better ....much better and nursery can be so beneficial for children. If you want to continue working then do not let yourself be bullied into quitting.

whensmynexthol1day · 13/01/2019 14:55

Both my kids first few months at nursery lead to back to back illnesses. Not normally enough to keep them off but we did have the odd day where we kept them off. They are just building up an immune system. I had it worse I think- got everything they did but worse!
There was light at the end of the tunnel though once they had built up their immune system. I'd keep him in until you get the results and if there's nothing wrong just keep persevering. It will end IME!

blueskiesandforests · 13/01/2019 14:58

birdonawire1 I used to childmind from when my dc1 was 10 months til she was almost 2. In that time she was ill once we chicken pox. That was it. It was similar for my mindees - one wasn't off ill at all and one for a week when she had chicken pox, two weeks before DD (and passed it on being a friendly sort :o ) neither had been in childcare before...

My younger kids didn't go to childcare before age 3 and didn't have a run of illness on starting or at any point. They had an older sibling and plenty of social contact and their immune system was more robust at 3 than a 1 year olds.

The immune system matures gradually and there is no sense in overwhelming a baby. They shouldn't be kept in a sterile bubble but there's a middle ground! Just like someone who is very run down, children under 2 will get far iller, far more often, than children over 2 because their innate immune system is muted.

A childminder and/ or going out and about is enough to stimulate the immune system of a baby without overwhelming it. There is no immunological need for the huge onslaught of a big nursery.

There is no need for this horrendous extended period of often serious illness in children under 2. Its not a right of passage. Children exposed more gradually don't go through it.

1ndig0 · 13/01/2019 15:15

I don’t think your DH is wrong to ask you to consider quitting work, no. You have admitted yourself that the situation is stressful and he’s thinking about the baby’s health and yours. My DH wouldn’t have expected me to work if it meant stress all round and a permanently ill baby. Who wants to live like that if you can avoid it? It comes down to you though OP. Do you think you’re cut out to be a SAHM? How much does your job mean to you? Does your DH understand that it may not be easy for you to waltz back into your job after a few years out? Are you planning other DC? What then? Personally, I was a SAHM because I would have found the situation you describe as too stressful, but I do realise it’s not for everyone.

WH1SPERS · 13/01/2019 15:23

It makes sence that i give up work instead of him as we would still live comfortably on his salary . The only problem is that my type of work is quite skilled . Staying out for even 2 years is not ideal as i wont be up to date with the latest. I doubt i will be able to find work easily and with the same money

Do not give up your job. Yes you might be ok for money for the first few years . But then when you try to look for a job at teh same level, you won’t get one. You will end up in a low paid job that works around school hours.

You haven’t told me what your plan is if you and your Dh split up? Sadly it happens to many marriages. How will you support your son then , when you have thrown away your career?

I suspect this plan of his ( you to quit work ) is so that group hisband doesn’t have to do any parenting . That doesn’t bode well for the future.

FinallyHere · 13/01/2019 15:46

Dh thinks that he is not meant for nursery and that it would be better if i stayed home with him full time .

Has "DH" made any suggestion that he will make any accommodation in his working life to make this change possible?

coconutpie · 13/01/2019 15:52

It is completely normal for DCs to get sick when they start nursery / child minder. You said your DC has been home with you for 14m and never sick, that doesn't mean that now they started nursery they won't get sick. It's a totally different environment - lots of kids, all licking toys, swapping germs around, etc. One kid might come in coughing and sneezing and it spreads around. My DC had never been ill until nursery and then got sick after a week and had to go on antibiotics. This went on for a while. Your DH has no idea of what's normal or not so unless your doctor is telling you otherwise, then this is just part and parcel of DCs interacting together and passing all their bugs onto each other. It gets better after a few months, I always was told that the first 6 months they pick up everything. Get your DC vaccinated against chicken pox too since that's one illness you can try to avoid.

WH1SPERS · 13/01/2019 16:07

My DD started nursery at 2, she had never been ill before. Suddenly she has a series of random infections - chest , skin, throat and eyes. As well as lots of viruses.

Once that phase passed she was a remarkably healthy child. She’s now at uni and shes only had ONE day off school sick ever. And that’s when she actually vomited at school so I had to keep her off for the next 24 hours, even though she was fine the next day.

I think this is a combination of

  • luck
  • good genes ( more luck )
  • we don’t do any anti bacterial stuff
  • we live in the country
  • lots of siblings who bring in bugs from different places
  • they all went to nursery so they caught everything before school
  • I’m a heartless mother who sends them to school unless they are dying or infectious. Preferably both.
  • if they are off school sick I make sure it’s very very boring
  • they like school more than they like behind off sick

So just because you LO is poorly nowOP, it doenst mean that he will be a sickly child. Like so many things, it might just be a phase.

I’m glad your Gp is so helpful and hopefully your DS will improve soon.

NettleTea · 13/01/2019 16:18

hopefully soon you will have some answers as to whether this is normal childhood illness or something else, and you can re-look at your options then.
Take a look at childminders - they may work out better in the long run, but in the end the illnesses out there are going to come to you sooner or later, it may just be you are getting them all out of the way now.
Dont give up your work. Even if you do decide that he needs to be at nursery less, make sure you keep your foot in the door by possibly reducing a few hours but not giving up - you say that 2 years out would cripple your prospects so you need to make sure that this doesnt happen, and you need to ensure that you have a plan moving forward where both you AND your husband take equal responsibility for taking parental days off to cover for times when your child is sick.

smartiecake · 13/01/2019 16:32

I went back to work when both of mine were 9 months old and they both went to nursery 3 days a week. Both were constantly ill in the first year. With DS1 i went back in Sept and in that first winter he had 6 lots of infections/antibiotics and an inhaler and was in hospital with croup. Ds2 was not quite as bad. Both now in secondary. Once they started school they had maybe one bout of illness per year. My GP said it would boost their own immunities being exposed to germs. I don't know how true that is but they have both been fairly healthy and robust since.
Maybe consider PT? Are you entitled to parental leave rather than using up annual leave?

Hanuman · 13/01/2019 16:38

I work 4 days a week and do 2-3 playgroups on my day off and I have seen several of our local childminders out with their charges. One of them is excellent and I would use if I weren't happy with nursery. The others are awful and pay hardly any attention. I was previously pretty open to childminders but not now.

Purpleartichoke · 13/01/2019 16:59

Sometimes parents need to take a financial hit in the best interest of the child. I don’t think it is crazy for a parent to stay home to keep a very young child from getting sick so often. It needs to be a mutually agreed upon arrangement though and not just default to mom.

Honestly, if you want to keep working, I would consider a nanny for the next 2 years. It might be your entire salary or even more than your salary, but on a family level the financial hit might feel like it was more equal since you are both still adding to your resumes and experience.

Newsername · 13/01/2019 17:04

I think it’s normal with nurseries. Dd was constantly ill as a baby at nursery for 6/7 months. I’d just stick with it and soon he’ll have caught everything and will be immune. As it happened, dd never got ill and took time off school when she started and is 11 now. She gets probably 1 or 2 colds a year.

Newsername · 13/01/2019 17:05

Must add, as long as his immunisations are uptodate and he’s healthy otherwise, I’d keep him at nursery. It’s better for the long run.

tiggerkid · 13/01/2019 17:06

Is there an option of unpaid leave in your workplace that can be used for instances like those you describe when the annual leave runs out?

seven201 · 13/01/2019 17:10

Babies/toddlers do just get sick a lot. It's a bloody nightmare work wise and my view seems to go on phases. Also, should be lot better when it's spring and summer. In theory getting colds and bugs now should mean he gets less when he starts school. I'd stick it out if I were you.

I hope your dh is taking his fair share of days off!

seven201 · 13/01/2019 17:13

Sorry, my phone didn't refresh properly so I didn't see you subsequent posts!

I think you should go part time, but only if you want to. Do not give up work completely.

Did your ds go to baby groups etc? Just wondering why he hasn't been ill before.

LannieDuck · 13/01/2019 17:24

Totally normal - both of mine had 3 months of sickness when they first started. It was horrific. But once we got through that, it was pretty plain sailing, and we haven't had the starting-school illnesses that I used to hear so much about.

I agree with you staying working, even if only PT. Once LO is through the worst of the illnesses, you could go back to FT. Even if his work earns more, there are really good reasons to stay employed (esp as you say he has 'conservative' views).

If you'd be able to live on his salary alone, surely you'd be able to live on 4 days of his salary + 4 days of your salary??

AnotherEmma · 13/01/2019 17:27

"If you'd be able to live on his salary alone, surely you'd be able to live on 4 days of his salary + 4 days of your salary??"

Exactly

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/01/2019 18:02

How much annual leave has he used????

springchicken123 · 13/01/2019 18:22

Can I recommend Sambucol? Can buy from amazon / boots (cheaper on amazon). High tonic vitamin C. Really helped our ds

minipie · 13/01/2019 18:57

Did you see the suggestion of parental leave OP? You can use up to 4 weeks per year. If you take 4 weeks now, that gives you time to see whether there is an underlying health issue and make a permanent decision after that. Also gets you to less germy spring time.

Petitprince · 13/01/2019 21:34

Honestly? I would. I did. Life is so much better now!

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/01/2019 21:40

What about longer term petit? It can be difficult to resurrect a career after a long break and what about pension contributions?

Unless you have cast iron financial protection giving up work is incredibly risky business.

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