Dh wants me to quit work

[anxiousmotherof1]

Long story short started work in november after a year of maternity leave .
DS is in nursery full time . Since he started he has been getting sick literally every week i have already used alot of my annual leave
Just before xmas he got very ill and had to be in iv antibiotics . Then he got better and was fine while at home . As soon as he got back to nursery he got sick again only lasted 4 days . Doctor gave antibiotics again as he is wheezing

Dh thinks that he is not meant for nursery and that it would be better if i stayed home with him full time . Am not sure what to think i dont think i ll be comfortable not having any earnings but on the other hand i cannot keep going on like this ! I knew he would be getting sick but not this often .
We keep fighting about my job . Do you think is normal to get sick so often ? Thinking of changing him to another nursery that has an outstanding rating but i dont really think it will make a difference

My childminder was a lot more useful when my kids were a bit sick. She would tuck them up on the sofa if they were poorly and even took four kids together once when they all had chickenpox !!

BlaaBlaaBlaa totally agree with you. You just need to look at some of the threads on MN and read the horror stories about SAHM DH running off with OW etc etc. I just couldn’t leave myself vulnerable like that ever but then my Dad had multiple affairs and left so I have a warped view

I think autumn is the worst possible time to start nursery. Mine started in October and was exactly same. Unwell every week, recovered on days off, went back for couple of days & fell ill again. Finally after 3 months of this, I moved her to a childminder. Fewer children, more hygiene and personal attention meant she didn't fall ill much. After a year I moved her back to nursery but in summer this time. She never really fell ill much after those initial 3 months.

I'd suggest you look at other childcare options rather than leave your job!!

@seven201 no he didnt go to groups but we did travel alot to sodferent countries to meet relatives so he did "mix" with other babies/toddlers

Thanks anyone who mentioned parental leave i had a look at the companys policy and they do offer a maximum of 4 weeks a year . I think i will take that until we know is not anything sinister and then make a decision

I know many will think am naive as is the general "view" in here but i do not think my husband is trying to control me or anything like that. he sees how stressfull this situation is for us and he sees it as unessesarry as he can provide for us financially.
As of me being vulnerable in case of a divorce( which again naively i highly doubt) .Am educated and pretty capable of finding a job is not that i wont be able to find any job i just thibk it will be difficult to start again at the same level and there is no way he wont provide for his son

Another one here saying childminder. My DD is barely ever sick (touch wood!) and if she is, CM is much more flexible than a nursery would be.

Okay fine. We’re wrong, your husband is a prince among men
I’ll ignore that you twice highlight you own naivety then say you are so educated so can work again any time - apart from that it won’t be the same level so will have a massive negative impact on earnings and potential earnings vs. staying in employment 🤷‍♀️

And so I ask a third time
How much of his annual leave has your husband used to look after his child when he is ill????

As of me being vulnerable in case of a divorce( which again naively i highly doubt) .Am educated and pretty capable of finding a job

If you think working is hard now when you (notionally) have a husband to share the burden with, wait till you are a single mum trying to do the same.

Also, do you think every other single parent spent their marriages expecting to get divorced?

Even if your dh is totally dependable and you have a life long happy marriage, there are plenty of reasons not to throw in the towel career-wise. It can be really hard to resurrect a decent career after giving it up (just look at the many threads on this subject) And there’s your pension to consider too.

This is the tough bit, but it’s not always going to be like this. Maybe use your (and your dhs) leave entitlement until your ds is checked out just to ensure no underlying health issue. But assuming it’s just the usual run of bugs, hang on in there. This is likely to all be a distant memory by the summer

Mine went to nursery pt from 4 and 5 months. They were constantly ill. We shared sick days even though DH earns a lot more than I did and I kept working. Now teens, they're as healthy as my pension. The illness thing is a red herring IMO and your DH attitude is far more worrying. Consider pt but thing long term and do not give up work.

there is no way he wont provide for his son

The type of man who won't even factor in using his annual leave to look after his son and instead insists his wife leaves his job isn't one I'd fully trust to provide adequately for his son or compensate you for loss of earnings.
Have you discussed with him how your loss of earnings will affect you and your career? How it will affect a divorce deal?

This is relevant: how are your couple finances arranged? Joint accounts? Separated?
How did it work out during maternal leave?

Maternity leave

How about trying a childminder, ou 2-3 babies, sometimes just 1.

Another vote for childminder here. Smaller groups, more individual attention, a home environment, especially when they are so little I think this can be really positive.

I think the point someone made upthread was for your concerned husband to check HiS family leave policy - you’ve already taken a year out. Get stuck back in to your career and see how seriously he takes a run of bugs when he’s dealing with them. Stop acting like a sole parent when you don’t have to.

Omg why should you give up your job? Your ds is just going to have to toughen up. I mean parents shouldn't have to look after their own children in this day and age - the very idea!!

I am aghast that SAHM role is so undervalued on here.

Like you say - your dh earns more, your ds wants you when he is poorly. For some reason nursery is making him get sick. If you can afford it this is a no brainer.

The time that your husband makes it clear he doesn't value your career or your independence is exactly the time to hold onto your job with both hands.

Oh don’t be so melodramatic! It’s nothing to do with not valuing the role of the SAHP. If that suits a couple and their family, then fine- stay home. The issue here is that the OPs husband sees it as purely her responsibility to jack in her job because their child is going through the totally normal stage of picking up bugs because he’s now interacting with other children.

Unless the OP comes back and discloses some underlying medical condition, this is all totally normal.

(In response to LEM)

LEM it’s not that the role of SAHP (and yes I’m deliberately saying parent not mother) is undervalued it’s that women now have the choice to not take up that role...just as men always have.

Why should she give up her career? Her career has already taken a hit due to maternity leave. Maybe it’s his turn now? Dads are just as capable as mums so why should it default to her?

The DS will 'toughen up'. Or at least his immune system will. It's now or when he starts reception/school nursery anyway. Jacking in the OP's job in response is a permanent and massively overkill solution to a temporary problem. Especially when they haven't even explored a childminder.

Just noting that your OH will also be able to take parental leave. No reason why you should do it all.

Yes it might seem melodramatic and maybe im projecting because there are at least two threads this weekend where the OP has been flamed for wanting to stay home. Being called lazy scroungers - yes because everybody kniws that SAHM kjust doss about all day x

I haven’t seen any threads where SAHP are called ‘lazy scroungers’. If a couple mutually agree for one partner to stop working and they’re totally happy with this choice then there’s no problem is there? (But when that’s the case they probably aren’t going to be posting on MN, so maybe you’re referring to threads where one partner is being unreasonable!)

Those were different situations, LEM, and not relevant here.

Could you go part time for a while - half days for a few months? It’s probably a culture shock for the child, from getting 24 hour parental care to very little. Ideally children shouldn’t be full time nursery at that age.