Dh wants me to quit work

[anxiousmotherof1]

Long story short started work in november after a year of maternity leave .
DS is in nursery full time . Since he started he has been getting sick literally every week i have already used alot of my annual leave
Just before xmas he got very ill and had to be in iv antibiotics . Then he got better and was fine while at home . As soon as he got back to nursery he got sick again only lasted 4 days . Doctor gave antibiotics again as he is wheezing

Dh thinks that he is not meant for nursery and that it would be better if i stayed home with him full time . Am not sure what to think i dont think i ll be comfortable not having any earnings but on the other hand i cannot keep going on like this ! I knew he would be getting sick but not this often .
We keep fighting about my job . Do you think is normal to get sick so often ? Thinking of changing him to another nursery that has an outstanding rating but i dont really think it will make a difference

You have to stand your ground with your H on this. He may be genuinely concerned about your DS, but there are plenty of men who are a lot too keen on the idea of their wives being SAHM because that puts the man in the position of House Overlord: as the woman is bringing in no money, she must do everything around the house and be humble and grateful.
However highly paid your H's job is, I doubt he is forbidden annual leave in it: he can take some. And your DS will soon settle with his father, as long as his father makes the effort..
Remember that you are a person as well as a mum, and that your life is just as important as that of your H - and if your H is a sexist, it's even more important to keep up your financial independence ready for the day you have to throw him out.

Op ds started nursery from tuesdays to Wednesdays. He'd go in on Tuesday y morning, come home, be sick, miss Wednesday, recover, go back the next Tuesday ready to restart the cycle. After about six weeks we did take him out. He had a month off and then went to a different nursery. Was fine bar the odd bug or sniffle from then on.
Looking back I suspect that was how long it took for his immune system to adapt but we couldn't keep sending him back to the place making him ill :( Fwiw the first place was ofsted outstanding, sought after, the nursery to go to. The second was 'good' but we loved it.

anxious we have no family support and have solely relied on nursery since DS was 6 months ( he's now 4)

Both me and DH work full time but it only works because DH pulls his weight and takes equal amount of time off when needed.

I would not be sacrificing my career on his say so. Absolutely no chance!

I agree with Barbie222.

Also, this time of year is always far more prevalent for flus and colds (even in healthy strong adults) and I heard in places like nurseries, schools, etc bugs get around even more frequently. It is possible that he might have an underdeveloped/weak immune system but it is what it is - I've known grown ups who constantly catch every flu and cold going. Has your child got the flu jab? It's a yearly vaccination against common strains and is really helpful - I have asthma so even more so.

I don't think him avoiding it by not going to nursery is really going to make it better in the long run - not like he can skip school, college etc either is it if this continues to be an issue. Anyway, not on your DH to say you should give up work on his say so - if he feels strongly that your son shouldn't be going to nursery, then either he should go part-time or at least be the major contributor to paying towards a nanny/childcare. Another option is a relative? If they're willing to pick him up if he continues to be ill and you've used all your annual leave.

My son was ill all the time when he first started nursery. He was admitted to hospital 3 times with chest infections and uncontrollable temperatures. There was one particular month where we had to pick up him from nursery every week because he was poorly. He probably only went to nursery 30% of that month. We never once thought maybe he should be kept away from nursery because he was getting ill, I think that's a bit odd for your husband to suggest that. He'll be going to preschool/primary school at some point - he'll just get sick constantly when he starts there instead. Being at nursery is good for his development and confidence. He will stop getting poorly all the time soon.

If you're anything like me, being at work is probably also good for your sanity. I enjoy time to just be me and not mummy/housewife all the time and I enjoy my job.

At least one of my children are ill once a month. I'm a sahm so I'm lucky I can pick up from school and stay home with them. I have no idea how I would manage if I still worked.

Another vote for riding it out. My dd was I’ll a lot when she started nursery, one thing after another but by the time she started school she was hardly ever ill because she had built up some immunity. It’s pretty normal for them to get sick a lot , maybe your dh could take some time of to look after his son somyou don’t have to take as much time off?

@trooth that is excactly what i think . If these investigations show nothing then we need to persevere and he will build up his immune system soon.

My partner does most of the sick childcare as he is full time and I am part time So its easier for him to catch up if you see what I mean?

It's completely normal for a child to have constant colds etc for the first year of nursery. they're building up their immune system. We're in the same situation but just riding it out.

nurseries are breeding grounds for illness. Somethings that might help:

Don't wear clothes more than once and wash higher temp and regularly wash outside clothes on a good temp.

As soon as DC out of nursery give them bath or wash with good antibac soaps etc Make sure to wash their face

Keep nursery bag of stuff separate and again wipe regularly with antibac

Put him on ummune system boosting vit tabs for kids

ensure diet at home has plenty of vit and minerals to boost immunity as well

pay for flu jab

Further why is all the care on you - DH needs to share the leave care its his DC too.

I would consider switching to a Child minder if i am honest just choose carefully

Totally normal, and eventually they will stop catching the bugs and viruses because they've already come across them. For some children, it can be a problem though, and how you manage it is up to you, and your DH needs to be supportive of it.

DS2 suffered constant ear and throat infections, and at 18 months he was eventually referred to an ENT and had to get his tonsils removed adenoid trimmed, and grommets put in - but that was a 6 month wait. (Because he was under 3, only the head ENT could operate on him, so we couldn't take any last minute cancellations either). After that, he was brilliant, and stopped getting ill.

The problem is you don't KNOW which way it's going to go, whether he will stop getting ill, or whether there is something more at play. But not knowing is ok. If you're managing now - as difficult as it is - I would suggest you keep going. However, plan for the alternative so that should you get to crisis point - your DS is ill too frequently or your work won't let you take more time off - then you can follow through with your emergency/crisis plan.

I don't think you should quit work just yet though.

Oh and Childminders can be brilliant! Your DC get more individual attention, get to go on 'outings', they will often go to play groups, and they are in a home environment. My 2 went to both nursery and childminders, both were brilliant in their own way. But, if the childminder is childminding because they have young children, if THEIR children get ill, you will also have to take time off work to look after your own children. Happened a couple of times to me.

If its any consolation my DS isn't in nursery but he is still ill all the time. He permanently has a snotty nose and has had a chest infection recently. He goes out to play groups, soft play, swimming etc. The fact is he is mobile now and interested in exploring everything with his hands and mouth, he comes into contact with others, and he picks up everything going. I think its pretty normal. Nursery may speed up the rate of things, but they will still get ill with exposure to new bugs.

Childminder am a bit wary am not sure how they work or how to trust them.

You do the research and due diligence same as you do for a nursery. I trusted my CMs far more than I would a nursery with young and frequently changing staff, many of whom don’t give a shit. A CM has their own reputation to protect

I remember my DS was constantly ill when he first started nursery and it was literally one infection on top of another. GP did tests etc but said he's just building up his immune system.
I can honestly say, he was hardly ill throughout school.
He's now started university in a different part of the country and is constantly ill again - I'm guessing being exposed to a different set of germs!
My point is, leave your DS at nursery and just accept that he's going to be ill for a while.
Oh and moving him to an outstanding nursery doesn't mean the kids don't get sick!!!

I gave up work, decided to have two children close together so nursery fees would have been too high. We went to playgroup, played with little friends. They caught everything going. I remember one winter I did not seem to leave the house between November and March. I nearly went round the bend. They were rarely ill once they hit school and I was able to go back to work.

It doesnt make sence for my hasband to go part time . Firstly i dont think they will accept it and he earns much more than me

Of course his employers will consider his request to work part time, they are legally obliged to do so. They are NOT ALLOWED to let female employees work PT but not Male.

And it makes PERFECT SENSE for both of you to keep a foot in the labour market. Don’t give up your job - what will happen to you and your child if your marriage ends? Please don’t think he will support you because very few men do.

Surely your husband cares about teh welfare of his child more than he cares about money? Or is it only YOU who has to care about him?

Childminders go through so many checks, the councils are as wary as you are.

OP - don't forget you are entitled to take unpaid parental leave.

I usually ask my team members whether they wish to use a/l or have unpaid leave.

But as other posters have said, why isn't your husband taking his fair share of the annual leave? No point in you having no annual leave left and he wants to go on holiday together!

@anxiousmotherof1 I hope nothing serious is flagged.
We had gotten to the point where he'd had so many chest infections that the gp said she would want to refer him if he got another one - she was brilliant, she would always call after hours to check how he was if we'd been in to see her that day. There were times where he was trembling, struggling to breathe and had to be taken by ambulance to hospital. GP said they usually grow out of it by 18m/2y, and he certainly did. Hasn't needed his inhaler for around a year. His colds no longer turn into chest infections. Fingers crossed for your little man that lots of cuddles and time will stop his too.

I am all for working but is there a way you could go back to work in a year? If you don’t need it financially I’d want my dc not to be ill all the time when they’re still so little, it’s miserable.

Don't wear clothes more than once and wash higher temp and regularly wash outside clothes on a good temp.

As soon as DC out of nursery give them bath or wash with good antibac soaps etc Make sure to wash their face

Keep nursery bag of stuff separate and again wipe regularly with antibac

Put him on ummune system boosting vit tabs for kids*

Don't do any of that.

Childhood illnesses are mainly spread by droplet contamination- one child coughs or sneezes, then another child touches the surface with the droplets on, then touches its own mouth. All this happens within a few minutes of the cough or sneeze: most viruses can't live outside the body for longer. Decontaminating your DC after nursery and hot washing clothes will make no difference.

Anti bac wipes etc put children at more risk of becoming resistant to antibiotics. Also, germs are increasingly becoming resistant to anti bac preparations. Proper hand washing before eating & after the toilet helps, but won't stop kids getting normal childhood illnesses.

Children do not benefit from vitamin supplements unless recommended for a particular medical condition.

This happened to me. I ended up with warnings from my job because I had to be off with child so much. Now they are at school and never get sick.

Hey op hope little one is ok, my ds was diagnosed neutropenic at about 3months old and it was an absolute mind-fuck.
I know far more about this stuff than I care to, although my ds has outgrown his.

Your little one could be just getting the first battery of immunity testing from all this and it settle, but on the off chance it’s something more, feel free to drop me a message. My second ds was fine, picks up the odd cold, had chicken pox, all the fun stuff 🤨 but has a vastly different immune system thank goodness.

In your shoes I wouldn’t be giving up my job, I’d be letting dh know he’s needed as much as you are when little one is poorly- he’ll learn to settle him, I promise you he will.

It’s normal for kids to get sick a bit more when they start nursery. Suddenly they are a part of a bigger group and there are simply more germs about. Getting sick is the only way to build up your immune system - so this will happen no matter what age. The time of year also makes it more difficult.

Apart from annual leave - you are also entitled to parental leave. Although this is unpaid.

If everything else is going ok - he has settled in and you’re happy with nursery, I would stick with it