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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel incredibly sad that I can't get close to my teen dd

128 replies

Fudgecakes · 11/01/2019 08:34

I feel cheated. My dd went from 10 to 19 in 3 yrs...she's only 13 but, like a lot of teens, is trying to be older than her years.

As a result she's pushing me away. Endless nights in bedroom on phone or playing music. Not wanting to engage with us at all. Or dollying herself up and taking pouty selfies.

And her attitude....how long have you got? Vile Sad. Confrontational and angry most of the time....we don't rub along well at all I guess because we're at loggerheads over what she wants to be/do which a lot of the crime I feel she's too young for.. but all her peers are allowed.

I adored my mum at this age....I guess I want what I had with her....but I appreciate it's a different world for teens now with a lot if peer pressure. I know you cant stop the wotld turning but sometimes i think we need to slow them down a bit. To help them all get back to being kids we i wish i could ban:-

smartphones and social media
Victoria's Secret
Pretty Little Things
Drill music
Crop tops
Bodycon
Nail bars
Full on make up
Grin
Am I alone in how I feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fudgecakes · 11/01/2019 08:35

Crime= time 😁

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 11/01/2019 08:37

It’s a hard stage but to be honest is normal and necessary for your child to move into adulthood and transition away from being dependent on you and find their place in the world. I would highly suggest meeting her at her level- so find some boxset to

Readysteadygoat · 11/01/2019 08:38

I'm sorry, that sounds tough. My 12yo DS is a pita but in a different way, not trying to be a grown up.
I wonder if your relationship with your mum at 13 was unusual though, I'm now 41 so way too old for anything on your list, but I certainly wouldn't have sought out my Mum's company at 13

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/01/2019 08:39

Instead of getting into arguments over the things she likes/wants to do, why don't you get involved?

Take interest in what she is doing
Do make up and nails together, get her to do yours
listen to some of her crap music and pretend to like it
go shopping together
browse online with her at things that interest her.
Nod and smile when she is telling you about youtube/insta etc.

Isadora2007 · 11/01/2019 08:39

Ooops. Sorry! Box set to watch like orange is the new black or something a bit adult so she sees you are taking her seriously as an older person now. Maybe watch 13 Reasons Why (though I found it very tedious!) or Black Mirror or BirdBox or something to discuss with her afterwards.
Teens do well chatting in cars- so if she has a hobby or interest can you drive her? Ask for style help and go shopping? Listen more than talk and do NOT use the word “I”.

MsTSwift · 11/01/2019 08:40

They need to push you away and reject you to forge their own identities.

LovingLola · 11/01/2019 08:40

Do you switch off WiFi in the evening? If you do that at a reasonable hour she may come out of her room
Where is she getting her money from? And how much?

Original poster
Fudgecakes · 11/01/2019 08:42

Interesting replies ladies...thank you. I have to go out now I'll check back later.

OP posts:
Monestasi · 11/01/2019 08:45

smartphones and social media
Victoria's Secret
Pretty Little Things
Drill music
Crop tops
Bodycon
Nail bars
Full on make up

Why are you allowing her to have/have access to these things?

Asking as the mother of a 13 year old too.

SuchAToDo · 11/01/2019 08:46

Try and find something she likes e.g is there a tv show she likes, a soap she watches, a favourite movie..a box set etc...and use it as a binding experience, make some pop corn, or order in her favourite pizza, and sit down and watch it with her, and laugh at the silly parts with her, cry at the sad parts and don't get into any debates over the storyline, just use it as a bonding experience , and if she likes having her hair/nails done why not both of you go for wash and blow dries/manicure for a quick bonding pamper session..

Or if you can afford to splash out a bit what about a day at a spa with her, it would be a nice treat to share with her..

Basically try and find something she likes that you can use to bond over whether it's a tv show or pampering..and then build on from there..

Also if she is showing any kind of disrespect to you remember you are the parent, she is only 13 and you can take away her phone, make up etc until she shows you respect and is more pleasant around the household

londonschool · 11/01/2019 08:46

I was recommended to read a book called "Untangled" by Lisa Damour. It helped me to understand a lot.
A big problem at this age is what you will allow them to go vs. what other parents are ok with - I'm constantly amazed at what parents are ok with and I don't think I'm that strict.

Patienceisvirtuous · 11/01/2019 08:46

What about having a pamper night with her - face masks, nails, fake fizz then a film after. Suggest something she’d enjoy.

Say if she can stay off her phone for the full night she gets a fiver!

SuchAToDo · 11/01/2019 08:47

*bonding experience..not binding experience

VanCleefArpels · 11/01/2019 08:48

All perfectly normal. Your role is not to GET close to your teen but to STAY close. Remind her constantly that you are there for her whenever SHE wants, take an interest but don’t pry, have an open door policy for her friends, facilitate her burgeoning social life (yes Saturday night taxi driving will be your lot fir the next few years!). In this sort of secure accepting atmosphere she will feel confident enough to bash her head against the boundaries but know that there is a safety net if she hurts herself doing so

Slightlycoddled · 11/01/2019 08:51

This too shall pass!

Try not to fret! Flowers I've been there and it can be godawful.
It is "just" a phase though (a very difficult one) and your daughter will come back to you and you will have pleasant conversations again I promise!

In the meantime, if you haven't already:

  1. buy the "Get out of my life but first drive me and Alex in to town"
book (or whatever it's called)
  1. Step back a bit and try not to take anything that happens too personally - remember you are a good patent and you haven't failed and its all about brain development - and try and do something to boost your own self-esteem during this difficult bit, as it can take a battering
  1. Try and encourage teen in to do something less self-obsessive - group sport, theatre work, volunteering etc - to get them out of their pits rooms and interacting with others face to face

Good luck!

Slightlycoddled · 11/01/2019 08:52

parent not patent

doodleygirl · 11/01/2019 08:55

My DD Is 24 but I remember her early teens well. I echo others, get involved in what she like, always give lifts. It’s amazing how much chatting can be done in the car. Take her little snacks she likes and sit on her bed for a few minutes and chat. Make your house the go to for all her friends.
It’s a challenging time but it will pass.

My DD and I are very close, we managed to mostly navigate those years.

Always remember your gorgeous girl is in there.

RoyalChocolat · 11/01/2019 08:55

I don't think the "not being close to you" and "trying to be older than her years" are necessarily related.
I was still playing with lego at 13 but I was not close to my mother at all.

Babyroobs · 11/01/2019 08:57

My 13 year old is into exactly the things you have put on your list ( minus the crop tops! ). It's exactly the same as most teenage girls are into. My dd is a little obsessed with her looks and the whole pouting business. She does interact with us though and although can be horrid and cheeky to me she is very close to my dh and always has been a daddy's girl. She will spend hours debating the plot of pretty little liars with him and he goes along with it . her and dh will watch movies on Netflix together and she will come out to the cinema and for meals with us. My dd also does play football and plays in a team so does get some exercise there. I think it is a phase but yes it is worrying how quickly it happens. I hate the whole obsession with social media but to be honest I think trying to limit it too much will just have a backlash so as long as she has other interests I would not worry too much.

Slightlycoddled · 11/01/2019 08:58

Oh and something that is often repeated on here is good to remember too - something about when they are acting at their absolute worst is when they need you the most.

And finally, keep possibility of communication open at all times, it won't happen as often as it did, but when it does it is likely to be about something important and usually takes place at the most inconvenient moment possible

BlueJag · 11/01/2019 08:59

I have a 13 year old boy. They way I've found to stay close is basically I very much go along with what he likes.
He loves music and I listen to what he likes. Thankfully he has good taste.
I watch whatever he likes mostly Family Guy or Netflix.
Unless I need to pull rank I pretty much allow him to lead.
If I had a teen dd I'll probably would ask to teach me how to do stuff she likes. I'll watch makeup tutorials or whatever she likes.
We laugh a lot together we like comedy shows.
My husband struggles at times but overall he tries his best.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/01/2019 09:00

Early teens were tough, after 17 or so it got a lot easier. It felt like she was inhabiting a different world (and it was compared to my teens, much more social pressure). Humour and letting them know you love them worked for me. Sometimes it's easy to have a nice chat driving somewhere, usually to Top Shop to buy tat if I remember rightly. We had to do stuff she liked not what we used to do.

leavesrfalling · 11/01/2019 09:01

Monestasi - these are perfectly normal things for a teenage girl to be into - do you ban your DD from these?

LucheroTena · 11/01/2019 09:02

They do seem to grow up young. My DD is also 13 and likes a lot of those things inc being in her room.

I think you just have to choose your battles otherwise you’ll be in constant conflict and then they hide things from you rather than face another row. Embrace / encourage the weird shops, music, and maybe try to rein in the scouse brows and social media.

My mum was very disapproving, judgemental and I perceived her to be suffocating as a teen and it definitely meant I told her nothing and became independent too young. Being a reasonably chilled out parent and discussing then agreeing boundaries plus being there when needed does help preserve the relationship a bit. Try and have a laugh, do your own thing, give them space, have an open house for their mates.

It’s a normal thing as they’re testing their burgeoning independence, but they still need us.

I don’t do this perfectly at all but I’m trying, and noticing the benefits. It hasn’t helped that DD has been unwell this year and my instinct is to hold her closer and micromanage her. I’ve really had to check myself.

Hannahmates · 11/01/2019 09:04

It's to be expected from teens. I was like that too. Very irritable and angry and short with my parents. I look back on it and wonder why I was so mean and angry. It probably has to do with puberty and growing into her age. It will pass eventually.

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