To feel incredibly sad that I can't get close to my teen dd

[Fudgecakes]

I feel cheated. My dd went from 10 to 19 in 3 yrs...she's only 13 but, like a lot of teens, is trying to be older than her years.

As a result she's pushing me away. Endless nights in bedroom on phone or playing music. Not wanting to engage with us at all. Or dollying herself up and taking pouty selfies.

And her attitude....how long have you got? Vile . Confrontational and angry most of the time....we don't rub along well at all I guess because we're at loggerheads over what she wants to be/do which a lot of the crime I feel she's too young for.. but all her peers are allowed.

I adored my mum at this age....I guess I want what I had with her....but I appreciate it's a different world for teens now with a lot if peer pressure. I know you cant stop the wotld turning but sometimes i think we need to slow them down a bit. To help them all get back to being kids we i wish i could ban:-

smartphones and social media
Victoria's Secret
Pretty Little Things
Drill music
Crop tops
Bodycon
Nail bars
Full on make up

Am I alone in how I feel?

Teenagers can be arseholes. I got on well with my mum at that time but she still got on my nerves a lot and my dad...well from about 12-19 I hated him. I mean properly hated him. He gave me lift everywhere, worked his arse off, rarely said no when we wanted something but he has quite an abrupt manner and at that age I was awful to him. I also resented his job as we moved around a lot because of it. We would argue all day every day and I was such a gobby bitch. We are both stubborn as hell so we’d constantly butt heads. I was also a massive dick to my brother and sister - mainly my sister (both younger than me). I worked hard at school and was pretty well behaved in every other way. I wish I could go back and punch my teenage self in the face though.

Anyway, when I went to Uni I moved out and our relationships improved a lot. My sister and I are actually very close now. I like hanging out with my parents as well. My dad is still a stubborn git but I don’t argue with him (what’s the point) and he isn’t as abrupt to me as well. My mum and I are really close. This is my long-winded way of saying it’s normal for teenagers to try and ‘separate’ from their parents. You start seeing your parents as individuals and notice their flaws a lot more so it’s learning to accept that they’re human I think.

All sounds pretty normal to me. My parents used to get on my case at that age and it would push me away even further, I wasn't doing anything wrong, just a grumpy teen that wanted to be left alone sometimes.
I think you need to fake being into similar things, go for a shopping trip or just seem genuinely interested in the things she likes even if you actually think they are ridiculous.
I'm forever pretending to my toddler that I love Mr. Tumble and nursery rhymes and teddy bear picnics.
I intend to fake it when she's a teen too and she's into whatever internet sensation or crap that teens are going to be into then, hopefully that will work and if not.. stay in your room then you miserable git

Just to add - she will come back to you! My mum was great she was really understanding about the emotional crap that comes with being a teenager, she let me do my own thing, we went out shopping and had meals out just us which made me feel so grown up and kept us close.

Also, I completely agree with margoLovebutter

All sounds quite normal teen behavouir, they usualy grow up into more pleasent reasonable people:)

The final paragraph of MargotLovebutter
is pretty much spot on. This was my Mum and how I hope I am too.

I could definitely have been described as one of the girls who adored my parents- in fact, I still do. Nothing wrong with that, they're nice people. Worthy of love.

But as an adult I have come to realise that the way in which I took my love to mean I had to follow their tastes and look at the tastes of my peers as inferior was, quite frankly, unhealthy.

It led to an emotional dependence on aspects of my parents' lives that had nothing to do with values, and this in turn led to a confusion between real values and random tastes. It led me to believe that liking opera (which I still quite enjoy) or disliking makeup was a moral value on a par with honesty or caring about the environment.

It held me back from developing my own judgment or trusting that my tastes and my judgment were valid. It took me years to stop looking over my shoulder.

In short, however lovely my teen years, can't think of anything that has held me back so much in adult life as my unquestioning admiration for my family. A little stropping would have been far more valuable for my further development. Not sure it was my parents' fault, the fault may well lie with me, but it wasn't the best thing I could have done.

My mother thought I went to church every Sat evening, we used to go to watch a punk band practice - rules are a challenge to teenagers, banned stuff is more exciting - get smug about your teens behaviour at your peril - they will do what they want to do and if you don't agree they will smile as they lie right to your face, not because they are bad kids but because they are their own person and they are determined to make their own decisions about the things they want to do - and you are old and out of touch and you understand nothing.

At 13 you can ban a lot of this stuff. You're the parent, go do it

There is a massive difference between authoritarian parenting (banning everything) and permissive parenting (allowing everything). Somewhere between the two sits assertive parenting, where compromise can happen, where conversations can take place and where a young person can explore the wider world in an age appropriate way knowing that there is an adult who will listen to them, stand up for them and help them. This. If you can manage to navigate this, you've cracked it.

I recommend a good spell of volunteering OP to reverse some of the shallow teen introspection and vanity. Get her helping in the back of a charity store or something. Some of the foodbank charities like kids to help out sorting donations etc.....it's a great CV builder too. Without wanting to sound like bloody saints (and they're not!!!) my x 2 teens have helped kids with learning disabilities to learn to sail each weekend. They enjoy getting to know the kids and the other volunteers - DD now wants to be a doctor. Doing stuff like this makes them realise that there is more to life and people than selfies and Victoria's Secret! Check out a few things and get her signed up for a few hours a week!

I think this was luck more than good parenting - having witnessed a girl from school whose were strict - she still did the stuff everyone else was doing (and much more) but lied to her parents continuously - she is no contact with them now - no surprise there!

Maybe it was luck, but we weren't particularly strict, it was just a set of family norms that our children were used to. If the family norm is to have a tv in each room or a phone out at the dining table, then everyone will do it. If the norm when you walk in the door is that certain things don't happen here, then some battles don't ever start.

Dh and I both grew up in the 70s with slap-happy families who were much stricter than us. So yes, it might be luck but I knew families from back when our Dc were young who allowed their children to behave poorly as toddlers and those behaviours continued throughout their childhood and adolescence - all completely predictable.

It's not true when people tell us that having well-behaved kids is all about luck - it's not. It's about being consistent and working hard every day to stay that way.

I bought my daughter a lot of make-up, glitter and pink stuff. She's rebelling by becoming a geek. The best tactic for parents of toddlers and teens is reverse psychology.

I am not sure “banning” social media would work certainly not for us. We held off as long as we could but dd felt she was being socially isolated as her friendship group communicated through Instagram. We gave in in the end.

Dd into all those things op lists bar Victoria’s Secret but also poetry and hockey which she enjoys. Her friends are nice and she is always friendly and polite to us. She is in her room a lot though. We bond through watching Modern Family together that box set was the best money ever spent. She is obsessed with certain shows (Hamilton) we went as a family and that was great and she was appreciative.

What is wrong with Pretty Little Things and Victoria's Secret?

Reading with interest.

My 10 YO is pretty much as many of you describe your 13 YOs, has been for almost a year now. I can only hope that she'll be out of it by the time she hits 13... if we survive it!

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder I have well behaved teens and I have worked hard at it but I have no doubt luck plays a big part in it.
Luck plays its part in how settled and stable our family life is - so many random things can go wrong that are beyond everyone's control, they've had to face very few hardships in life.

I think it's pretty normal. My teen spends hours in her room avoiding us and snap chatting her friends. I watch series with her everyday. We are working our way through friends at 5he moment. It's a way of hanging out together that's unpressured.

You have to retain a sense of humour. Think of her as the subject in a long-term piece of research whom you are observing. You are an alien beamed down to observe the natives. This can really take the sting out of things.

DH never got his head round that idea and was constantly hurt and upset as we went through those years, and of course he woul rise to her challenges which would just make things worse.. I managed better (not entirely) as I'd had the example of my dad doing something like it with me. You will find it easier to speak to her calmly - "that was very rude darling", "I don't like being spoken to like that" etc.

Remember to apolgise when you are wrong. You need to demonste civilised behaviour to her as much as possible.

Luck plays its part in how settled and stable our family life is - so many random things can go wrong that are beyond everyone's control, they've had to face very few hardships in life.

Granted, and we have certainly been fortunate in being able to provide a stable home and lifestyle for our children. My own childhood wasn't as stable and I didn't have such a great relationship with my mother. My Dh was separated from his parents as a teenager as they were working overseas which also had an impact on his relationships.

I have two much younger DD’s but can recall being 13. I was much more ‘goth/skater girl’ than the bodycon pout thing that’s the current teen craze. It upsets me to think young girls are feeling such pressure to look good and that’s there focus.

You could try and share her interests (doing make up together) but that perpetuates focus on her looks, which is unhealthy imo.

The box sets is a nicer idea.

But see if there’s a spark of anything else that interests her. My husbands sister is 14 and she’s really into make up and is actually wanting to work her GCSEs etc around it. She’s really bright and when she was 11 wanted to be a teacher and I just feel it’s only something she’s persuing because of social media and peer pressure.

I’m not saying a make up artist isn’t a good career (I know two who work in film and TV) but I just don’t feel that’s my sister in laws aim. She just wants to vlog.

I have fond memories of movie nights with my mum and older sister.. we'd rent a film (from choices/ blockbuster or sky movies). We did it for years. We'd have popcorn and sweets.

I'm 25 now and have recently started to have movie days with her while tbe children are at school.. instead of popcorn, i get cups of tea and an egg sarnie haha.

It is tough, you have to focus on the bigger picture at this stage. Is she still engaging at school? Are her marks OK? Is she keeping up with her homework? It is healthy and normal to press boundaries and want to do things your parents disapprove of (not all teens, but many). The important thing is to contain teen rebellion so it doesn't have long term damaging consequences. If she is still getting on OK at school, attending and engaging, I would not get on her case too much about the other stuff.

My DD is 14 - likes all the above except Drill music. She mostly buys body sprays from VS pink. The place is full of teenagers.
It's a much better situation than when she crippled with anxiety and couldn't socialise or live her life like a normal pre-teen and needed to be with us all the time or her anxiety was sky high. So I see pulling away from us as a good thing for her development now. Social media really helped keep those social connections going while she was ill and her friendship group is the most important thing to her right now and they really helped her recovery.
I was more alternative as a teen but don't criticise her different choices as she's not drinking/taking drugs/out in unkown places/having sex/misbehaving at school/in trouble with police. All the really heavy stuff that would worry me. I know where she is when she's on social media in her room but still socialising on group video chat. I've watched box sets with her. I hope she will talk to me when the parties start so I can talk to her about how to keep safe.

I was a proper nerdy teen and it was horrible for me until I discovered goth stuff. I'm just pleased she's now having a better time of her teen years than me.
You need to pull back from criticising her choices and understand she is developing and this may not be who she is eventually. Limit the rules to those things that could put her at risk and let her grow up. It's hard. My DD is my youngest but what we went through really helps me see things in perspective as I'm still nerdy and loved dressing her in old fashioned stuff as a young child - But that's not who she is now!

@jessstan2 - nothing wrong with Victoria’s Secret Pink which I’m pretty sure the OP is referring to. I think some posters on here are imagining teens clad in lace crotchless knickers from VS, not the perfectly reasonable boy pants and nice bikin pants sold by Pink. Also lovely sports leggings, lounge wear and hoodies - hardly the stuff a parent would throw their hands up in horror about!