To feel incredibly sad that I can't get close to my teen dd

[Fudgecakes]

I feel cheated. My dd went from 10 to 19 in 3 yrs...she's only 13 but, like a lot of teens, is trying to be older than her years.

As a result she's pushing me away. Endless nights in bedroom on phone or playing music. Not wanting to engage with us at all. Or dollying herself up and taking pouty selfies.

And her attitude....how long have you got? Vile . Confrontational and angry most of the time....we don't rub along well at all I guess because we're at loggerheads over what she wants to be/do which a lot of the crime I feel she's too young for.. but all her peers are allowed.

I adored my mum at this age....I guess I want what I had with her....but I appreciate it's a different world for teens now with a lot if peer pressure. I know you cant stop the wotld turning but sometimes i think we need to slow them down a bit. To help them all get back to being kids we i wish i could ban:-

smartphones and social media
Victoria's Secret
Pretty Little Things
Drill music
Crop tops
Bodycon
Nail bars
Full on make up

Am I alone in how I feel?

Honestly those things are all totally normal for a teen girl to be into. Forcing kids into things you think they should like never ends well.

Teenagers need to find out who they are. The first step to that is finding out who they are not. It is normal, even desirable, for them to push their parents away. They come back. But they come back as who they are, not who we think they should be.

Sounds about right. I was a nightmare from 14-18. At 19 I can back from uni and my mum said it was crazy how changed I was. I'm very very close to my mum and sister now.

Wait it out

Pretty normal for them to be in their room a lot at that age. As for the make up, crop tops etc..., you must be buying them for her or giving her money to buy them? My teens are not interested in all that stuff but both do spend a lot of times i their room chatting to friends on skype or instagram or gaming.

I understandand I think your DD sounds like a normal teen. I have a 14 year old DD who is into all the things you’ve listed (except nail bars and I’m not sure what drill music is .

She spends a lot of time in her room on her phone. However, when she does socialise with us she is generally pleasant and loving. At least twice a week we watch a film together as a family. We eat our evening meals together and chat then and, as others have said, we have good chats in the car when I’m giving her lifts to her sports activities, friends etc. Every so often we will go shopping together and have lunch. She knows her friends are welcome to come round. So far we have managed to negotiate and compromise on things she is/isn’t allowed to do and if I do say no, she usually accepts the reasoning behind it. I don’t check her phone any more but I do talk to her about the importance of online safety etc.

I only have boys and my oldest is 10, but we don't allow tech in the bedroom (nothing internet related anyway), and he doesn't yet have a phone. Usually he gets off the Xbox when we ask but occasionally I have unplugged the router and feigned surprise at the 'internet being down'

You've had some good advice above.

I would add cinema and theatre trips. Even though we were both staring at screen/stage, it was still a bonding experience. I can remember going through a particularly horrible time when we went to see Wicked together. I caught her eye part way through and she gave me a beaming smile. I nearly burst into tears.

It's so so hard. But hold on to those little magic moments, op

I've been through with 2 DD and don't think they all do this. One of mine was horrendous, almost abusive, and the other, give or take a few set backs, was always lovely to spend time with. A lot of it is personality clash or with headstrong personality. They do come round but it is so hard being treated awfully by own child. They go very selfish which as people said serves then well to become independent.

@Oceanfive - they come back but they come back as who they are, not who we think they should be I like that phrase and think it sums things up perfectly!

OP I could have written your post (different times/different interests) about my DD who is now in her early 20s.

At 13 she hated me. Honestly she did. Absolutely no reason, she just needed that space and to be be to separate from me. I think part of your issue is that you had quite an unusually close relationship with your own DM? I work with teenagers and it's very rare to find one that "adores" their DM.

I took advice from the teenagers thread on here - especially MaryZ. I remember one particular piece of advice which was to treat your teen DD as though they are an irritating lodger. Basically you need to take the emotion out of it for a few years. In my case it was 5 years (sorry)

To be honest you have to ride it out. There is a saying that the two worst years in a woman's life are the year she is 13 and the year her daughter is 13!

I coped by concentrating on my career, my own personal life and staying open for conversation and communication. If she was being particularly vile I would tell her calmly that I didn't appreciate what I was hearing.

We now have a very good relationship - she lives about 50 miles away and calls me about three times a week to tell me all about what is going on in her life and we see each other about once a month or more.

When I discussed with her what happened during those years she said "Oh mum I don't know how you put up with me I was such a little bitch!" She also realises that it was necessary in order for us to emotionally separate to the extent that she an go off and live her own successful independent life. She said that my switch of focus to myself helped her see me as a woman rather than just mum and that was useful incoming out of her nasty cow days.

I wish I had better advice but there are lots of books out there. Don't crowd her, don't tell her the things she likes are stupid or banal (even if they are)

Good luck

watching thread with interest - nothing really useful to add except this chimes perfectly with my experience of two DDs (16 and 13) except one not yet into (and may never be) makeup, nails, crop tops. She's more into anime, online gaming and drawing. Still never comes out of the room.

Totally agree - be interested in what they are interested in. I went to a comic con with my youngest end of last year case that's what she's into and she is trying to find her way. Two days of anime and illustration. Yikes.
With the older one I watch endless tv shows, that's how we bond.
its hard to find anything for all three of us but luckily Big Bang Theory seems to fit the bill. We are watching series 11 now and then plan to go back to the start again. Yawn.

I've NEVER been so up on contemporary pop music.
I do limit the wifi, turn it off at 10 (11 at weekends and they need to negotiate Sundays) - I drive them nuts talking about choice in how they spend their time and balance between online and real life but I think they understand where I am coming from (even if they don't always agree)

I know it’s hard. I smiled though when I read your description. I once talked to my Mum about the teenage years. She practically gave me your description. I adored my Mum. I had no idea she was feeling pushed out and lonely whilst we were growing up. I really - with great gratitude - how much she was around & all she did. I just took it for granted at the time. We ‘found each’ other again quickly and we best of friends then.

You've had some great advice on this thread. It sounds like you are mourning the loss of your little girl rather than looking forward to the young woman your dd is becoming and maybe she feels that disapproval coming from your words and actions.
I think you were lucky with your mum - I always wanted a close relationship with mine but her main input was trying to keep me on the straight and narrow - there was no fun, no spending time together just for the hell of it, she was just there to exert her authority over me.
Despite my best efforts, dd went through a horrible phase when she was 13 - really could not stand to be around me or listen to anything I had to say - it was hard but I had to give her space to gain perspective and she came back to me within a month - I consider myself very lucky friends have told me it's taken years.

My ds is only 10 but I know exactly where you're coming from.

I think it suddenly dawned on us that they're growing up, but they're not necessarily the person we thought or hoped they'd be. Not in a bad way but I know with my ds, he doesn't like the books I'd love him to read, he doesn't like the films I'd like to watch together.

So we end up locking horns with them.

I think you've had some great advice on here, I'll be taking a lot of it onboard going forward.

Excellent advice and without wanting to sound like a whataboutery expert but if makeup, music and what you perceive bad(?) clothing is your only worry it’s not bad.
I’m not a fan of VS but they have teen lines. Cropped tops and bodycon, teenagers will always experiment with clothes and makeup, where’s the harm in that? I’m sorry but today’s teens are not interested in prairie dresses unless it’s the fashion.
Where’s the harm in music? Unless she listens to pornogrind.
Join her and watch her blossom. It’s not drugs, drinks, sex, depression or MH issues that you’d struggle to deal with.
I used to hate my mum too at 13. She wanted her kid back, I wanted to be a teenager.

The advice about lifts is sound. There comes a time when you will just be wanted for lifts but use it wisely.

By about 17 my elder two came out of their chrysalises/bedrooms and started talking again. They are actually quite nice people

Lots of good advice
I negotiated difficult teen years by mainly just making sure they knew I was there and trying not to judge
I’m not a fan of people who say oh we are best friends or like sisters because you are not and sometimes have to be a parent
I would try and be more of a critical friend and steer her a little where you can
DD and I bonded over mutual love of shopping, eating out, coffee shops
Rest of time I just had to sit back a bit - many times picking up the pieces later - when friendships or relationships went wrong
We negotiated over excessive make up, school uniform, out there clothes, internet use, staying out times, parties and alcohol - sometimes I gave in, other times stood firm
DD is now 27 and we have a fab relationship

Well I've leant something today, I just googled 'pornogrind'

I felt like this too when it happened to my DD too, as it wasn't a stage that DS went through at all.

We were always so close when she was little and I really missed all the chat (used to make my ears bleed!). But I knew it would just be a phase and was her way of growing into herself, if that makes sense. Teenagers are tribal and she was trying to find her tribe.

So, in the same way I forced myself to take an interest in all the sports the DC did, the musical instruments they played, their art work, the crappy bits of pottery they made etc, so I forced myself to take an interest in the social media, make up, shite memes, stupid Youtube videos (that were 'hilarious' apparently) and so on. Very light touch required as I could sense her back off if I seemed too keen BUT, it has been worth it because at 17 we get on really, really well and she'll happily chat to me about all the stuff going on in her life again and we've managed to push through without it all turning into a battle and her hating me.

Not always been easy and there have been times when I've had to remember the toddler days, where I ignored as much of the bad stuff as I could and found a way to praise the good and there have been times when I've lost the plot completely and screamed like a banshee because I'm no saint either but we've got through it now!

Hang in there - no stage of childhood, including the teenage years - lasts forever.

I'm not looking forward to my dc hitting this age. And girls do seem to be more grown up and independent sooner these days, and there's more peer pressure probably, and disparity between what different parents will allow.

Ds is only 8 but when I feel like he's growing away from me a bit, I spend some time with him, doing what he wants to do. Even if it means feigning interest in Pokemon! He said to me the other day that he remembers me telling him that I'm interested in anything that interests him. It hadn't felt like a particularly momentous thing to say at the time, but it struck me that kids do take notice when parents try to understand them - often we think our efforts are wasted, but they're really not. Keep at it, op, she'll come through it and so will you - probably even closer.

I was a vile teen and like others said the vileness evaporated when I got to about 17/18.

I just remember that awkward feeling of absolute shame that I had a family I had no control over and they were constantly There watching my awkward life develop!!

It's such a hugely troubling time of life and yes kids now are being monitored 24 7 on social.media.

Stay calm and be the grown up - she doesn't owe you love or affection right now. She does owe you politiness and respect but try to remember what a boiling pot of emotion she is and let the small stuff go sometimes

Hahaha. I need to hear some Pornogrind 😂

Some great advice here, cheers. From a mum of a Ten-is-the-new-Teen kid.

And I'm 41 and many of my friends (though not all) had similar difficult relationshios with their mothers. So I think your close relationship is more unusual.

Ah, I feel your pain OP. I have a 13 year old boy and he's a pain in the arse but in a completely different way.

Just keep on letting her know you're there. Personally, I'd never let a 13 year old anywhere near the stuff you've listed in your OP but that's your call.

I do have Fortnight to contend with, but we went cold turkey after his winter term report card came home - abysmal! This has helped tremendously after a very miserable 3 or 4 days.

Good luck.

Wish I'd had Mumsnet when mine were teens. I think I was too controlling with mine, and very judgy of their taste. There was lots of shouting and fireworks, particularly with DD1. Thankfully DH is very chill and very good at this emotional intelligence stuff and he got us through.

DD1 is 23 now and a lovely bright hardworking young woman. And interestingly, when I have apologised for my rubbish teen parenting, she has said told me she is very grateful I cracked the whip and got her to study at school when none of her friends were. She's also confessed to some very naughty stuff I had my suspicions about and was told I was imagining.

And, most gratifyingly of all, she looks back on friends' cool parents, who were apparently much better than me, who bought her gang alcohol and cigarettes and covered for them at all night parties and can't believe how criminally crap and irresponsible they were.