To feel incredibly sad that I can't get close to my teen dd

[Fudgecakes]

I feel cheated. My dd went from 10 to 19 in 3 yrs...she's only 13 but, like a lot of teens, is trying to be older than her years.

As a result she's pushing me away. Endless nights in bedroom on phone or playing music. Not wanting to engage with us at all. Or dollying herself up and taking pouty selfies.

And her attitude....how long have you got? Vile . Confrontational and angry most of the time....we don't rub along well at all I guess because we're at loggerheads over what she wants to be/do which a lot of the crime I feel she's too young for.. but all her peers are allowed.

I adored my mum at this age....I guess I want what I had with her....but I appreciate it's a different world for teens now with a lot if peer pressure. I know you cant stop the wotld turning but sometimes i think we need to slow them down a bit. To help them all get back to being kids we i wish i could ban:-

smartphones and social media
Victoria's Secret
Pretty Little Things
Drill music
Crop tops
Bodycon
Nail bars
Full on make up

Am I alone in how I feel?

My dd really likes the Victoria Secret's scents, are they perfume or body spray, not sure but they are sweet smelling and child-like and most likely the smell will make you want to hurl - grown up they most definitely are not!

See we are a very steady two parent family, no traumas, SAHP when little, no telly in rooms, eat around the table without phones blah blah blah.

Absolutely did not stop our teens being a bit crazy.

DH thinks they simply inherited the thrill seeker gene from us: we were both wild teens/young adults. And like us they are mostly model citizens now they are older.

I think it can be helpful to facilitate your wild kids getting that adrenaline rush in a safe place. So from sports or performing arts. That has worked really well with our youngest ones. I was shy and unsporty. I got my thrills doing very dodgy stuff.

This was me from about 14-18. I was such a dick to my mum :( but I came out the other end and we are total besties now! It does pass if that's any consolation!

OP, your second sentence jumped out at me: "my dd went from 10 to 19 in 3 yrs" - she sounds much more like a typical 13yo than a 19yo! So maybe it's your expectations that are wrong?

Wow. What amazing insights and advice. Thank you so much for your posts. A lot to take in in one hit so forgive me for not picking up separately on your individual posts.

I guess the overriding thing I'm getting is that her behaviours are within normal parameters. I'm wondering if my relationship with my mum at this age was unusual. I got on really well with her and enjoyed her company. Probably to do with the fact I was quite shy and was bullied a bit. I had friends at school but didn't really start hanging out with them til I was about 17 and then there was no stopping me . I didn't get much from my dad....although he was very loving.....he was either working or watching TV so wasn't really hands on. I love the fact that my dd is spirited and popular with lots of friends unlike myself at this age.

I also get I need to spend time trying to bond with her....but I can't get near her . She literally dosnt want to do anything with us. She won't watch TV with us - although I'm about to try Netflix. She's reluctant to eat out/do coffee shops with us in case anyone she knows sees us - she's at that age where she's embarrassed to be seen with us. For same reason won't go to cinema. She will go shopping but is always worried about bumping into friends so is more happy to go out of home town elsewhere....it really is sad. I'll try the girlie stuff at home tactic...and try to like what she's interested in music wise...but I hate it....and some of the lyrics are awful. That does cause a lot of friction.

It's really like trying to be friends with someone who doesnt like you...It's so upsetting and unnecessary. She frequently says "Go away...I just don't like you" or that I'm weird. She's really rebelling against family life and being parented. She hates being told rules and boundaries. But she does still ask for hugs and will say I love you...so conflicting

A few have commented why do I allow her access to my wish list of things to ban....because although it goes against the grain I don't want to ostracise myself further from her by saying no to everything cos that's how her friends live and she's keeping up with her peers....I'm just sad it's got like this and our kids feel they have to grow up too quick. I'm just swept along on this tide of what sometimes feels like bad parenting....but I need to pick battles and these are the ones that sadly I feel I'm not able to win. These aren't regular things...they are what she chooses to spend her xmas/birthday money on.

You sound wise and kind OP and it’s a good combination.

You’ll have a delightful young woman in a couple of years; I promise

Canshopwillshop, thanks. I didn't know VS did crotchless knickers :-), just thought they made pretty lingerie. You live and learn.

I've now looked at their website and agree that Pink are lovely.

'PrettyLittleThing' looks good too.

The op's daughter sounds quite normal for her age and this stage will pass.

I have a 13 year old boy and apart from the odd tension over finishing a game he’s pretty good.

I kind of enjoy his move from needing us to relying on his friends more, hearing him laugh just from chatting to them us great, and even if his WhatsApp can be a bit full on (his friends more than him) I’m really glad he has a strong group of buddies.

I feel like the rope is a little looser and longer but that’s good.

I remember being really mean to my Mum at 13 for some reason, perhaps it was hormones, it passed. Plus I was away at school so it probably passed even quicker for her.

I think it's okay to pull her up when she says she doesn't like you, or that you are weird, by the way. I'd tell her that its just not cool to be so unkind.

You are so right to not “ban” these relatively harmless things - pick your battles. We are finding that friends take on massive importance now and family seems to recede abit in the drive to grow up and pull away. Tbh I think it’s natural and frankly would worry more if a child this age was constantly hanging round parents and didn’t have friends. Rudeness and unkindness to you totally unacceptable though. Good luck!

My DD is 23 now and we are so close so don't worry she will come back to you. Mine thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread now.

What I think helped our relationship was always letting her know I was there if she wanted to talk about things, eventually she let down her walls and started confiding in me and I think she found that really valuable.

@jessstan - glad to be of assistance, I just thought I’d point out the difference between the two as I can see why some posters might be clutching their pearls a bit . Think VS has a sale on at the moment if you’re interested

Can I also say I think it's fine to tell them their music is rubbish and their clothes are shocking. No teen wants their parents to love their music or their fashion sense. It's a safe rebellion thing.

DH and I used to say, "Oh my God you're never going out like that?" And chuckle when they'd gone that they were far tamer than us at the same age.

This thread has been great, I have 4 children 3 girls 17, 14 and 12 and a boy 16. Over the last year I have struggled with the whole I'm not needed so much anymore and they have their own lifes now. It can be very hard in the house when tensions are high especially as the 3 girls are all so different yet have to share a room. It really is hard and I so find myself in tears. I have found it hard as I lost all my interests running around after them but have started working just over a year ago which has been fab. Mine are all in the army cadets as is my husband which is fab as they are kept busy with lots of opportunities that they other wise would not have but I do at times feel left out of their lifes.

Hello OP, welcome to the stroppy teen club...

I wasn't stroppy as a child at all , I really got on well with my mum, I was pretty well behaved all through my teenage years just a bit (alot) lazy, spent loads of time reading books and drawing in my room, drying flowers and writing to pen pals and poetry, as I got older my mum would allow us out late with friends and pick us up later on in her dressing gown, she was a teen mum so she was very open with us about her experiences...always had great respect for her ...thought she was a bit mad but I loved her.

My DD1 on the other hand...Class A bish, sullen , lazy rude,obnoxious, moany, unco-operative, rebellious, untidy, thougthless, runs away, etc etc ..

Everyone says it's a phase and I'm hoping it is...It's probably more difficult for you because you had such a good relationship with your mum and you find it hard to relate ...it's the same for me.

Just remember she is individual who has to make her own mistakes just try to stay as close as you can and don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles ...

I do have a close relationship with my DD1she tells me about her life and I appreciate it, don't always agree so we are still at logger-heads quite frequently, just try to show her you are there for her and love her.

Mine hits 17 in Feb I'll give you heads-up if she magically changes into 'Daughter of the Year'

Take care

@Fudgecakes - inspired by your post, I have started a thread about suitable box sets to watch with teens. You might find some of the suggestions helpful especially if you are thinking about getting Netflix.

I had the same with my daughter at that age, it devastated me and the thought that it would stay that way worried me alot.
She constantly scowled at me wouldn't come near me won't let me touch her would Scream at me get away from me don't touch me I hate.
wouldn't let me know any information about her life.
just in general she hated me and she hated being in a family home.

Fast forward to now, she almost 20 and we have such a lovely relationship, she ofter says knows she was a cow to me and shes sorry.

There is hope my love xx

OP you say it’s all upsetting and “unnecessary”. Actually I subscribe to the notion that this alienation during teen years is entirely necessary as a part of preparing to fly the nest. Believe me when I say that after years of complete pain in the arse teenage nonsense you will wave them off to uni or whatever a teeny bit more happily 😉

I’ve just bought my 12 1/2year old a top from Pretty Little Thing. She’s 5ft 9, and no children’s or teenage stuff fit her. I also bought some jeans from Boo Hoo. Why is this a bad thing?

I take her to nail bars, she’s got really beautiful hands and nails. She likes a bit of varnish every now and then. What’s the big deal?🤨

She’s surgically attached to her phone. Why is this a problem?

She’s bright, hardworking and has loads of friends. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

It sounds like you are trying to apply your standards to her. But she’s got to find out what she likes for herself imo.

Thanks for more inspiring posts. To those of you who have been here it's good To know you came out the other side in one piece! To those of you in the same boat as me it's nice to know I'm not alone sailing choppy waters! I hope you all.make it to dry land soon!

@canon thanks for that...Will be checking in...sounds a great idea
@Flagfish...I guess 19 was a number I kind of plucked out of thin air...just saying she's trying to be older than her years.

I guess in essence I'm a bit worn down with trying to parent a teenage banshee. I just want some peace of mind...we've been through some pants times over the last few years and I'm feeling the strain.

I want to pour oil on troubled waters....this has been very interesting and useful. I'll re read and digest thus thread I have a copy of the Alex book and will get it out and actually read it! I am aware there are adjustments to my views and attitude I need to make to try and get closer to my girl. I need to work that out while not be coming a pushover.

I accept it is the way if the world but I maintain social media us the devil's work. It sucks our kids into this weird world of "look what I've got/done/been" and makes them want it too....cue Victoria's Secret, PLT etc. This then becomes our problem as the buck stops with us....do we allow or deny. It's no fun cos our kids have become entitled. This on top of the normal raging hormones is a volatile mix

OP, first of all, I think you need to get rid of the idea that everything, absolutely everything that you didn't do yourself as a child or wouldn't choose to do now is terribly sad and a sign that children can't be children. Some things may be, some are not, and if you can't keep them apart, she will gradually stop trusting your judgment.

It is fine, as a parent, to differentiate between:

a) this is bad

b) yes, I see that you have chosen this but I don't really approve

c) this may be fine in a few years time but not now

d) this may be something I wouldn't have chosen but I am not you so I don't actually have to comment here

e) different tastes, just different tastes

f) it really would help if I realised you're not a baby

These are all different categories. And almost certainly there will be something for each shelf. There generally is.

category g: this is rude and unkind and I do not have to put up with being spoken to like this!

I don't really have any advice as far as parenting a teenager goes. My children are still very small!

But I did pick up on one thing - nail bars. Please please please don't let her go to the typical high street sit and wait nail bars. They'll damage her nails beyond belief. I say this as a nail technician - I have seen many many cases where medical intervention is required, nails separate from the nail bed and fall off, contact dermatitis is caused by over exposure, etc. Products used are often not meant to be used in beauty treatments (MMA v EMA). Find a local tech running a small business, not only will you be supporting her enterprise, but you'll be protecting your daughters nails for years to come. Maybe you should book a double appointment and both get a pedicure or something. She might like that?

....thanks tooth. She's only had it done once over the summer hols. I'll bear it in mind for next time!

I remember when when I was a teenager I had very little in common in my mind with my mum. She seemed to dislike everything I liked particularly music which you mention. By contrast my friends mum used to always put the radio on in the kitchen or car and knew the words to songs in the charts. It sounds so little and silly but I wished my mum would try to like what I liked. Actually to this day she's great in many ways but completely dismissive of anything she doesn't like.