Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

[yumyumpoppycat]

YANBU - depending on how long you stay in your house you may recoup much of the investment when you come to sell.

Sorry to derail but Socksey bloody hell! there was a thread on here about someone lending a friend £1000 - lots of people said OP should take it to small claims - your parents not giving you back 70k is a life changing amount.

[3timeslucky]

I'm glad you've sorted it out.

TBH when I see something go that wrong between a parent and child who clearly care a great deal about each other it makes me despair of family dynamics. Is there any hope for those of us with less affectionate bonds???

[yumyumpoppycat]

Glad you worked it all out OP

[yumyumpoppycat]

polly she couldnt afford the holiday because she was buying a bigge house. Her mum has now agreed she was in the wrong and apologised.

[Hector2000]

The bigger problem now, of course, is having to go on holiday with someone eho’s Paying, but resents it. Maybe offer to pay her back in instalments? And she needs to promise no sulks/passive-aggressive stuff whilst on holiday, otherwise frankly just don’t go.

[GabsAlot]

she knew u were moving that also cost money instead youre extending so its essential youre not just blowing it on fancy cars

i think shes out of order

[Claudia1980]

I can see both sides. Basically you do have the money to pay for a holiday , but it’s not your priority so you don’t want to. I have family who do similar things. Cry poverty then renovate, buy expensive stuff for their kids etc. I have to say it does annoy me they are willing to take advantage of others generosity all the time.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

My priorities would be similar to yours but I think your timing sucks a bit.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

YANBU.
Some people - including some on here - don't seem to understand that not being able to afford something that costs £X, doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have £X.
It can often mean that you do have £X, but it's earmarked for something necessary or essential, so it can't be spent on indulgences, however pleasant.

[YankeeDad]

You are being totally reasonable, even your timing makes total sense, it makes sense to borrow to make more home space for your family -- not for a holiday, and your mum has figured that out. Happy ending. The end. Well done!

[WrapAndRoll]

not being able to afford something that costs £X, doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have £X.

I wouldn't describe that as not being able to afford £X, but choosing to spend £X another way.

You could afford £X for a holiday/motorbike/bookcase - BUT instead you go for your priority of a car/shoes/carpet.

You can afford either one of the things, but not both. To me that isn't at all the same as not being able to afford something in any circumstances.

[Neverenoughspoons]

I can’t believe people are saying OP’s Mum has a point! Do you lot think it would be sensible to borrow to go on holiday? Or are you saying she should’ve insisted they weren’t coming even though her Mum wanted them to come at her expense, in the full knowledge OP was planning to move soon?

[Teacher22]

Your mother is completely in the wrong. She pressed the holiday on you knowing you were going to move. As it is you are remortgaging instead but that is irrelevant as far as she is concerned.

However, being in the wrong and knowing it makes people more not less irrational and resentful so you are going to have to be diplomatic.

Say that you completed understand her view and that you agreed because you thought that having her family with her on holiday wasn’t what she wanted. Now you realise that she is unhappy that you are spending money on your house and accepting a free holiday you feel it gives you permission to do what you wanted all along:- to decline the holiday.

This will call her bluff. It is not the outcome she wanted and it makes you look generous.

She will bluster and say she wants you to come anyway. Even if she doesn’t and you all go without a five star holiday you will have won in principle. You can have a budget break with your family and enjoy yourselves and your mum can contemplate how she lost your company and your good will.

You love her and she loves you but she has got a bit out of her pram and needs to realise what her priorities really are.

[Teacher22]

Completely not completed. Damned predictive text!

[beeline]

I’m with Pinkyredrose, that was an exceptionally kind offer, everything after that falls back to you, but I would hope you thank her so much.
Its very generous

[TiggerSnooze]

Investing and spending are entirely different things.
It did sound like she'd taken something about the situation very personally and lashed out due to being upset. It makes sense now, and glad all is resolved :)

[cherish123]

YANBU. Your children are having to share. You are adding on a bedroom for them, not a swimming pool.

[Betterthanbrave]

I feel like we may be sisters OP this is something my mother would do. Ask her if she understands true altruism. YANBU remortgaging for home improvements is very different to having savings that allow you to splurge on a fancy holiday.

[Beautga]

When you get straight why dont you take your mum on a surprised weekend break

[EugenesAxe]

I have never heard of anyone remortgaging a property to go on holiday. You aren't 'rich' you are borrowing money that will have to be paid back, which you can justify by the inevitable increase in the value of your property. I think it's perfectly fine to say you can't afford a lavish holiday.

Saying that, I do agree that perhaps it wasn't the most tactful thing to be 'excited' about in front of your mum... but she is your mum; it's not like you are going to extend without her knowing.

[Sowing747]

My parents reacted in a similar fashion years ago when they paid for me and my then partner to go on holiday to Morocco.

I told them at the time that my partner couldn't afford to go, which was true, but the reason for this was that he needed the money to attend a very expensive wedding in Goa later that year which I was also invited to but couldn't afford to attend.

When my parents later found out about this they were outraged, but I could never understand the problem.

So with that, I think YANBU but I can see how it can be twisted around to seem like you are!

[SilverDoe]

Haven’t RTFT but if she is pissed off about to doing renovations paid for by a remortgage, what would she say to you or anyone that they had remortgaged their house to pay for a holiday?

Exactly. It would be a frivolous, ridiculous use of the money. So why is she acting like you are spending cold hard cash on your house but not the holiday? It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know your mum but it sounds a bit manipulate to be honest. Unless she has no concept of money whatsoever.

[SilverDoe]

Sorry that should say, what would she say to you or anyone else that said they had remortgaged their house to pay for a holiday

[RZNW]

@NotANotMan PREACH!! Took the words out of my mouth, I agree with you.

[Nousernamefound]

You said no we can’t afford to go and so she offered to pay, her choice. I think I might have told her the reasons you couldn’t afford it, planning to extend/move, but you shouldn’t have to. Either way YOU are not being unreasonable.