Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

[Fifthtimelucky]

I agree with Terri.

A friend told me years ago that she was no longer using 'I can't afford it' as a reason for not doing something. Instead, she says something like 'that's not a priority for me at the moment' . I try to do the same myself now, especially when I'm feeling envious of someone else's new car or expensive holiday!

Most of us (though I appreciate not all) are lucky enough to be able to make choices about how we spend our money but, unless we are very lucky, prioritising one thing means we can't do another.

[BenjaminH]

Tell her to go and herself.

What a , I am amazed at the level of bullsh*t some people put up with from there family.

Has your mother got here head stuck up her ass?

Tell her to her face.

You are a idiot, don't offer to pay for a holiday. You know my situation I need a bigger property/more space for my children, your "grandchildren". I don't have the money to go on a holiday, I do however need this extension.

Tell her I don't want to go on your holiday now, stick up your ass, along with your head. I am well aware you wont get your money back, tuff.

Spend the holiday time at home enjoying it seen as you have spent so much money on it, fuck.

Your mothers the unreasonable one.

[Swiffly]

Your remortgage is a LOAN that you’re investing in your property and which is to be paid back with interest. Disposable income for holidays and nice-to-haves is a completely different thing. Simple. It’s odd that your mum appears to have a tenuous grasp on the financial practicalities of family life but hopefully explaining this to her in a rational, calm way might clear up any misunderstanding. Hope you get it sorted and you end up with a wonderful extension and a fabulous holiday!

[Sb74]

I’ve read some of thread. Your mum wanted to go on the holiday and offered. You shouldn’t be expected to remortgage for a holiday!! It’s ridiculous. Getting a mortgage does not mean you have money to spare for a lavish holiday. Plenty of people have big mortgages but struggle and can’t afford a holiday. The whole point of a mortgage is it allows you to buy a house etc that you can’t afford upfront and pay back in an affordable way. Your mum obviously wanted companions on holiday and she chose an expensive holiday so I think your mum is out of order and needs to grow up. Do not add holiday money to your mortgage. Don’t go if she’s turned nasty. She offered to pay and she’s your mum so tough luck!!

[Petalflowers]

I think Terri sums up the situation well.

Mum understood the conversation as ‘we have no money’

Op understood the conversation as ‘we have no money for holiday due to xyz. ‘

Therefore, in many ways, both are correct in their interpretation. Hence the misunderstanding.

[Carriecakes80]

YANBU. Your mum OFFERED, You didn't say 'Mum, I can't afford a holiday, can you pay?' and then spend all your dough elsewhere!!

Your Mum offered, and she knows you need the space! lol I have four kids and in a 2 bedroomed home, what I wouldn't give for some extra room! :-) You haven't done anything wrong, do not feel tainted, you are making a home for your family, your Mum wanted a holiday, but if you really feel that bad, tell her to get her money back, and explain you were not aware that there were codicils that you couldn't spend what money you do have saved on your children and their home, to make their lives more comfortable, but get her to tell the kids why she's being an utter twonk.

Your Mum sounds extremely churlish and childish.

[TerriTummyTowels]

the reason for this was that he needed the money to attend a very expensive wedding in Goa

Makes me think rather than us saying we can't afford something in these situations (which is technically not true) we should say something like that we "haven't got room in our budget" for whatever the invited activity is.

[Nousernamefound]

You said no we can’t afford to go and so she offered to pay, her choice. I think I might have told her the reasons you couldn’t afford it, planning to extend/move, but you shouldn’t have to. Either way YOU are not being unreasonable.

[RZNW]

@NotANotMan PREACH!! Took the words out of my mouth, I agree with you.

[SilverDoe]

Sorry that should say, what would she say to you or anyone else that said they had remortgaged their house to pay for a holiday

[SilverDoe]

Haven’t RTFT but if she is pissed off about to doing renovations paid for by a remortgage, what would she say to you or anyone that they had remortgaged their house to pay for a holiday?

Exactly. It would be a frivolous, ridiculous use of the money. So why is she acting like you are spending cold hard cash on your house but not the holiday? It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know your mum but it sounds a bit manipulate to be honest. Unless she has no concept of money whatsoever.

[Sowing747]

My parents reacted in a similar fashion years ago when they paid for me and my then partner to go on holiday to Morocco.

I told them at the time that my partner couldn't afford to go, which was true, but the reason for this was that he needed the money to attend a very expensive wedding in Goa later that year which I was also invited to but couldn't afford to attend.

When my parents later found out about this they were outraged, but I could never understand the problem.

So with that, I think YANBU but I can see how it can be twisted around to seem like you are!

[EugenesAxe]

I have never heard of anyone remortgaging a property to go on holiday. You aren't 'rich' you are borrowing money that will have to be paid back, which you can justify by the inevitable increase in the value of your property. I think it's perfectly fine to say you can't afford a lavish holiday.

Saying that, I do agree that perhaps it wasn't the most tactful thing to be 'excited' about in front of your mum... but she is your mum; it's not like you are going to extend without her knowing.

[Beautga]

When you get straight why dont you take your mum on a surprised weekend break

[Betterthanbrave]

I feel like we may be sisters OP this is something my mother would do. Ask her if she understands true altruism. YANBU remortgaging for home improvements is very different to having savings that allow you to splurge on a fancy holiday.

[cherish123]

YANBU. Your children are having to share. You are adding on a bedroom for them, not a swimming pool.

[TiggerSnooze]

Investing and spending are entirely different things.
It did sound like she'd taken something about the situation very personally and lashed out due to being upset. It makes sense now, and glad all is resolved :)

[beeline]

I’m with Pinkyredrose, that was an exceptionally kind offer, everything after that falls back to you, but I would hope you thank her so much.
Its very generous

[Teacher22]

Completely not completed. Damned predictive text!

[Teacher22]

Your mother is completely in the wrong. She pressed the holiday on you knowing you were going to move. As it is you are remortgaging instead but that is irrelevant as far as she is concerned.

However, being in the wrong and knowing it makes people more not less irrational and resentful so you are going to have to be diplomatic.

Say that you completed understand her view and that you agreed because you thought that having her family with her on holiday wasn’t what she wanted. Now you realise that she is unhappy that you are spending money on your house and accepting a free holiday you feel it gives you permission to do what you wanted all along:- to decline the holiday.

This will call her bluff. It is not the outcome she wanted and it makes you look generous.

She will bluster and say she wants you to come anyway. Even if she doesn’t and you all go without a five star holiday you will have won in principle. You can have a budget break with your family and enjoy yourselves and your mum can contemplate how she lost your company and your good will.

You love her and she loves you but she has got a bit out of her pram and needs to realise what her priorities really are.

[Neverenoughspoons]

I can’t believe people are saying OP’s Mum has a point! Do you lot think it would be sensible to borrow to go on holiday? Or are you saying she should’ve insisted they weren’t coming even though her Mum wanted them to come at her expense, in the full knowledge OP was planning to move soon?

[WrapAndRoll]

not being able to afford something that costs £X, doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have £X.

I wouldn't describe that as not being able to afford £X, but choosing to spend £X another way.

You could afford £X for a holiday/motorbike/bookcase - BUT instead you go for your priority of a car/shoes/carpet.

You can afford either one of the things, but not both. To me that isn't at all the same as not being able to afford something in any circumstances.

[YankeeDad]

You are being totally reasonable, even your timing makes total sense, it makes sense to borrow to make more home space for your family -- not for a holiday, and your mum has figured that out. Happy ending. The end. Well done!

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

YANBU.
Some people - including some on here - don't seem to understand that not being able to afford something that costs £X, doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have £X.
It can often mean that you do have £X, but it's earmarked for something necessary or essential, so it can't be spent on indulgences, however pleasant.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

My priorities would be similar to yours but I think your timing sucks a bit.