Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

Borrowing to extend our house makes all sorts of sense financially. You save all the costs of moving and you have increased the value of the house: the very strong likelihood is that you will in reality have made a profit on the investment if or when you come to sell up. In the meantime, you have the long term advantage of having a bigger house for a growing family. By contrast, borrowing to go on holiday isn't an investment at all, as you will never recover the money let alone make a profit, and the benefits of the hoilday will only last as long as the holiday.

I would hope that your mother will calm down and work out the difference, but if not you may need to sit down with her and point all of that out. Ask her if she really wants to ruin the holiday by carrying on like this.

Hi everyone, I just got back from visiting mum.

I explained to her how we didn't have any cash and finance etc. I offered to put back the extension til next year and give her our extra money we would have each month which is currently used to pay off old credit cards, which is how we will afford the higher mortgage. She said absolutely no way, the holiday if her gift and she apologised and said she had been in the wrong. I offered to pay her back in small amounts each month so it didn't seem like I was guilt tripping her too and she still said no.

I am paying for all our passports and insurance, airport taxis, will buy and cook all food there and will organise a few hours just for us two to use all the spa facilities.

Thanks for all the advice. I think the fact we weren't moving up the road, even though she has known this awhile, hit home for her when I said about extending. I have reassured her that wherever I am I will never be far from her and can be with her at five mins notice any time. So happy ending!

I think it may be her clumsy way of expressing disappointment that you will not be living in the same road as her.

Given how close you are she is probably a bit crushed that you're not moving.

Glad you've resolved it.

Fab to hear.... and hope you have a wonderful holiday!

I am glad you’ve had a resolution OP, but.... you don’t have to be able to be by her side with 5 mins notice to be a good daughter. She sounds very over reliant on you and you have you hands full yourself.

Relationships are two way streets Did - one person can't be expected to do all the heavy lifting. Well...you can, but it's not going to work long term because its a bit unfair and puts too much financial strain on one party.

People move all the time, for a variety of reasons and everyone who wants to maintain a relationship needs to make an effort sometimes. If its all one way...well its unsustainable. I've friends that have moved, I would never expect only to see them when they come back - I sometimes make the effort to go to see them because, well, that's what friends do.

Spending tens of thousands of £ suggests you could afford to pay towards a holiday.

A holiday they wouldn’t have gone on because they couldn’t afford it and said as much at the time. This is only relevant if they would have remortgaged their home to take a holiday.

YANBU. It’s got nothing to do with your mum what you do with the house or anything else!
If you are remortgaging it’s for the house not a holiday x.

You've made a responsible choice to make an investment in your home to make it better suit your needs. It's not like you're hiring a decorator or redoing some kind of cosmetic alteration.

I'd cancel. If you go, I suspect she will harp on it the whole time.

You sound a lovely daughter to have

I think spending on a big extravagant holiday and home improvements like this are completely different kinds of spending.

I mean you can't afford an extension - you are taking out a loan (ie mortgage) to do it. That's an entirely sensible, long term, investment to make that will repay you when you sell

To take out a loan to go on a big holiday that you can't afford is a completely different kettle of fish

Tricky.

Your mum offered to pay because you said you “don’t have that money.” Except you do. It doesn’t look good. You should have flatly refused the holiday or been more honest about the reason for not wanting to spend that sort of money - which would have been perfectly reasonable, by the way.

As it is, it looks like you think her money is more disposable than yours. (Btw, is she wealthy or is this coming out of savings?)

I think you should aim to pay her back at least a decent contribution before you go ahead with the home improvements.

Oh, I just saw the update.

So glad it's sorted!

Oops, massive x post! So glad you worked this out, OP. You clearly thought this through and everyone’s happy now so you can all enjoy the holiday.

Glad you worked it out but I reckon she'll throw this in your face for the foreseeable now. She sounds manipulative and you sound like you dance to her tune, its not an uncommon dynamic in families.

I'm glad your mum has realised she was being ridiculous and apologised. Because she was.

Your home is a long term investment. 6 of you live there day in and day out. Making it bigger and a sensible size for all of you is a much better use of your money then a holiday where you'll enjoy your week or two, but then you're back in your too-small home day in and day out with no more money to sort it out.

Just because someone offers to pay for something or treat someone to something does NOT give them the right to even have an opinion, never mind be vocal about how that person spends money/invested/whatever. It’s not a licence to have a say in personal financial matters.

"Mum, I'm really sorry that you feel I've been cheeky allowing you to pay for the holiday but the fact is that the money I have is being added to our mortgage and that is only to give the kids their own bedrooms - I could never justify spending that on s holiday but I'm so sad that you feel it's wrong.
I still don't have money to spare for a holiday but I am so upset that I think we should cancel and I'll pay the cancellation fees."

I can’t believe anyone thinks there are two sides to this! Nobody in their right minds remortgages their house to go on holiday, and without doing that YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE MONEY. She invited you and offered to pay, you didn’t plead poverty and ask her to!

I’m sorry your DM is being weird about this OP and I hope it doesn’t taint your holiday too much...

Those who can see the mums side and think it’s cheeky - who are these mortgage companies you know who will let you remortgage to find a holiday?? There is a BIG difference between accessing funds to move/extend and having funds available for a big holiday (that was someone else’s idea anyway!)

You are 100% not BU or a CF. Presumably part of he reason you couldn’t afford a luxury holiday (with cash or borrowing) was because you were getting a bigger mortgage She knew that, it hasn’t changed, you’re just putting the bigger mortgage into your existing house instead of a new one!

I said I understood the mum's perspective.

I completely appreciate that taking out a mortgage for a holiday is ridiculous, whereas borrowing money for home improvements is perfectly sensible.

However, I do think that money can be a really sensitive topic. I can see that going from not having money for a holiday to suddenly having thousands available for an extension may, at first glance, have seemed cheeky. OP's mum probably hadn't sat down rationally and thought through the source of the money and the re-mortgaging point.

I think accepting loans/significant gifts from family often leads to disagreements and upsets. It effectively involves your family in your financial situation and opens your spending choices up to comments and judgement from them. As the OP has found out.

I'm glad the OP got it sorted out. I don't think the OP was being unreasonable, I just understood why the mother could be a bit put out.

oh zoe how lovely.
forget this now eh.move on and don't let it linger one bit.its one of those arguemtns we all have with someone we adore.many times im sure too.it happens to be on here so all these pages of opinions must have made it seem larger at times.but its gone now all sorted so go on as before.
we all have those pissy days where something is getting to us and we bang the pan cupboard,smash the mugs onto the shelf. or take it out on someone we love over something completely different so we can have an emotional release with someone we feel safe with to hold it for us.
have the best holiday.dont keep offering to pay.she wants it this way she just was feeling unsure in herself and this moving situation so it all went haywire.
you both sound like you have a lovely relationship.

Of course you're being unreasonable.

I understand why your mum would think that.

I wouldn't have accepted the holiday knowing I was about to move to a bigger house or have an extension. Grabby

Exactly, Tiger. It was the mother who wanted them to go on the stupid holiday to begin with. They told her NO, for very good reason, because their priority is a suitable home for their kids, not accompanying her on a holiday she chooses. So she offered to pay then got a cob on. So tell her just to forget it.