Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

[TerriTummyTowels]

the reason for this was that he needed the money to attend a very expensive wedding in Goa

Makes me think rather than us saying we can't afford something in these situations (which is technically not true) we should say something like that we "haven't got room in our budget" for whatever the invited activity is.

[Carriecakes80]

YANBU. Your mum OFFERED, You didn't say 'Mum, I can't afford a holiday, can you pay?' and then spend all your dough elsewhere!!

Your Mum offered, and she knows you need the space! lol I have four kids and in a 2 bedroomed home, what I wouldn't give for some extra room! :-) You haven't done anything wrong, do not feel tainted, you are making a home for your family, your Mum wanted a holiday, but if you really feel that bad, tell her to get her money back, and explain you were not aware that there were codicils that you couldn't spend what money you do have saved on your children and their home, to make their lives more comfortable, but get her to tell the kids why she's being an utter twonk.

Your Mum sounds extremely churlish and childish.

[Petalflowers]

I think Terri sums up the situation well.

Mum understood the conversation as ‘we have no money’

Op understood the conversation as ‘we have no money for holiday due to xyz. ‘

Therefore, in many ways, both are correct in their interpretation. Hence the misunderstanding.

[Sb74]

I’ve read some of thread. Your mum wanted to go on the holiday and offered. You shouldn’t be expected to remortgage for a holiday!! It’s ridiculous. Getting a mortgage does not mean you have money to spare for a lavish holiday. Plenty of people have big mortgages but struggle and can’t afford a holiday. The whole point of a mortgage is it allows you to buy a house etc that you can’t afford upfront and pay back in an affordable way. Your mum obviously wanted companions on holiday and she chose an expensive holiday so I think your mum is out of order and needs to grow up. Do not add holiday money to your mortgage. Don’t go if she’s turned nasty. She offered to pay and she’s your mum so tough luck!!

[Swiffly]

Your remortgage is a LOAN that you’re investing in your property and which is to be paid back with interest. Disposable income for holidays and nice-to-haves is a completely different thing. Simple. It’s odd that your mum appears to have a tenuous grasp on the financial practicalities of family life but hopefully explaining this to her in a rational, calm way might clear up any misunderstanding. Hope you get it sorted and you end up with a wonderful extension and a fabulous holiday!

[BenjaminH]

Tell her to go and herself.

What a , I am amazed at the level of bullsh*t some people put up with from there family.

Has your mother got here head stuck up her ass?

Tell her to her face.

You are a idiot, don't offer to pay for a holiday. You know my situation I need a bigger property/more space for my children, your "grandchildren". I don't have the money to go on a holiday, I do however need this extension.

Tell her I don't want to go on your holiday now, stick up your ass, along with your head. I am well aware you wont get your money back, tuff.

Spend the holiday time at home enjoying it seen as you have spent so much money on it, fuck.

Your mothers the unreasonable one.

[Fifthtimelucky]

I agree with Terri.

A friend told me years ago that she was no longer using 'I can't afford it' as a reason for not doing something. Instead, she says something like 'that's not a priority for me at the moment' . I try to do the same myself now, especially when I'm feeling envious of someone else's new car or expensive holiday!

Most of us (though I appreciate not all) are lucky enough to be able to make choices about how we spend our money but, unless we are very lucky, prioritising one thing means we can't do another.