Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

[2019Dancerz]

How can they easily afford it, Yulelog? That’s an insane thing to say. They have money as they went to the bank and applied for a loan - has you ever done that? You have to say what it’s for, and “a fancy trip with my mother” isn’t going to get approval!

[2019Dancerz]

Actually, I have about five thousand available to spend on my credit card, I’m off out to buy another car! Whoopee!

[KurriKurri]

She is buying you with the holiday, she might not realise this now, but when she gets more infirm, she will feel it is right that you care for her as you 'owe' her. And you will feel obliged to do whatever she asks as you feel that you owe her in return for the holiday, even though she offered and it was allegedly without strings at the time.

I think this is overstating things somewhat. Should the time come I doubt OP's feeling she needs to look after her Mum will come from this holiday, it will comes from the fact that as she loves her mother and because she's her mother. Many of us feel an obligation to look after elderly parents because we care for them and want to do so, not because of any monetary reasons.

I think people are attributing a lot of charactersitics to the mother based on an account of one incident. We don't know this woman, sometimes people in families fall out over a specific incident - it doesn't mean we have to go in for character assassination , or claim the person is doing some kind of elaborate long term manipulative planning.

I think posters on MN are often secretely baying for some kind of huge family fall out (not specifically you Bluetrews), when what the OP wants is as amicable resolution as possible.

[Candymay]

I really see your mum’s point of view. I’d feel really used too. I think people here calling her names etc are just nasty types. I can see your point too. But paying for a lavish holiday for 6 is more than I would ever allow anyone to do- mother or not. I take nothing from anyone and so it’s hard to understand what has gone on here. As your mum is such a lovely person, she will probably calm down when she has more time and you could explain your thinking to her. I would definitely encourage her to get a refund if possible and second to that I would pay her back.

[FuckingYuleLog]

Well many people pay for expensive holidays on credit cards which I assume the op COULD have done if that was her priority. It wasn’t and I personally wouldn’t want to go into debt for a holiday either.
If the ops mum is annoyed she was clearly under the impression that the op had no way of accessing the necessary funds and agreed on that basis only.

[ZoeZebra1]

Yes @FuckingYuleLog and also if I had paid for the holiday on credit it would effect my ability to get the remortgage.

[EvaHarknessRose]

It sounds like your Mum is worrying about her mortality and got fixated on the holiday but is now worried about the money. Can you not get to the bottom of what she’s feeling and sort it out.

[ZoeZebra1]

@Candymay I felt very uncomfortable letting her pay but she was insistent and made out we would be doing it for her as she desperately wanted a last holiday with her only grandkids

[2019Dancerz]

When did the conversation happen?

[BaconMaker]

But paying for a lavish holiday for 6 is more than I would ever allow anyone to do- mother or not. I take nothing from anyone and so it’s hard to understand what has gone on here.

I think you're coming from the perspective that taking nothing from anyone is a superior position when it obviously isn't - it's just a personal preference. There have been many times where I have given to friends and family where I have been more than happy to do so and they have benefited from it. There would have be no honour or benefit at all for my family turning down my help.

It's more than possible OP's mum would have been just as upset if she had turned down the offer of the holiday then extended her house - she'd have said why couldn't you come on holiday with me if you can afford to extend your house?

[ChoccyBiccyTastic]

I think spending on a holiday is frivolous. A house extension is both a necessity and an investment. I wouldn't dream of remortgaging my house to pay for a holiday, but I would absolutely (and have) for home improvements. The two simply do not equate.

[Boulty]

YANBU

[Maelstrop]

You told her you couldn’t pay. She insisted. She cried! It might be her last holiday with the gc-nice bit of emotional blackmail right there. Sorry, OP, i dont think those are the actions of a nice person, insisting when she knows you’re trying to increase your mortgage for a better living space.

However, she offwred to pay, you checked ahe could afford it, you accepted. You’re not a cf, but i reckon there will be lots of ‘Today, we are again doing what i want because i paid’ and unless it’s all inclusive, lots of her expectantly hanging back from paying for food/trips because she”s paid for the flights/hotel.

[InSightMars]

No, YANBU OP, the remortgage money whether for moving to a bigger property or extending your existing property, doesn’t factor into your available disposable income at all. The financing is for home improvements not to fund holidays. I don’t get why your mum and some people here can’t see this.

[delboysskinandblister]

Don't accept any more holidays or expensive gifts from family. This is where they feel they have a right to say how you spend your own money. You didn't ask for this holiday, you said no, she insisted, she paid.

You do not owe her any explanation as to your family finances. She xan go away with friends in future.

You are leaving in Fear Obligation Guilt from Mother

[ZoeZebra1]

@2019Dancerz
We were on the market and planning to buy a house much bigger and therefore more expensive than ours (and nearer mum). The remortgage is similar value to what we would have spent increasing mortgage for this house.

[WofflingOn]

Over the years, this is where I’ve found having my husband helps. He’s much more dispassionate about incidents, and isn’t carrying the years of emotional baggage I am about my family.
So he’d say that spending money on the house is completely different to a frivolous and enjoyable holiday. Like life-saving surgery or beautifying cosmetic enhancements. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if it were me, I’d be very disappointed in my mother.
I’d not go on the holiday.

[BlueJava]

YANBU - a house extension that you need is one reason why you don't have holiday money. She offered - after persuasion you accepted. I think perhaps sit down and have a chat with her and explain that.

[TheMincePiesAreMine]

If she cancelled the holiday, I wonder how much she'd lose. It's likely to be just be the deposit or the excess. It might be hundreds but I doubt it's thousands.

I would be tempted to offer to cover her out of pocket expenses if she wants to cancel the holiday. I don't expect she'll want to cancel, but by giving her an "out" now, it might help avoid bad feeling festering during the holiday itself. If she still wants to take you, you can go with a clear conscience and enjoy it.

[Dutch1e]

If your mum has no previous form for being a bit batty like she is now I'd probably just ask her a couple of open-ended questions like "what would you have preferred us to have done?" and "what's a good way to resolve this?" then take it from there.

She may end up realising that she's being a bit silly without you needing to say much at all.

[BubonicWoman]

Is the real issue that you are no longer moving closer?
Has she just paid a deposit? I would consider asking her is she wants to cancel and paying the deposit if it isn't too steep. I would worry about what the holiday will be like now
The last holiday business is just manipulative. You could have all had a short break at center PARC's or in a holiday cottage. She shouldn't expect you to borrow for a lavish holiday that she wants
I would never borrow money for a holiday. They only people I know who do are crap with money and are in debt

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

If you were going to use savings for the house I'd say YABU. But you are remortgaging. You wouldn't remortgage for a holiday. I can kind of see why she is annoyed but you haven't done anything wrong. Not sure what the answer is though!

[WomanWithAltitude]

YANBU

Expenditure on a holiday (a luxury, which you'll have nothing to show for afterwards) is totally different to expenditure on your home to make it fit for your purposes (a long term investment).

I'm confused as to how anyone wouldn't be able to see that tbh. It's obvious why someone would feel couldn't afford to remortgage in order to take a luxury holiday.

[WomanWithAltitude]

Even if you were using savings, you wouldn't be unreasonable. A home improvement is an investment, a holiday is just money gone.