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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

232 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 10/01/2019 18:18

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2019 05:39

I think she understand the situations full well and is indirectly expressing her ire at you not moving closer to her
I totally agree.

Your mother sounds pretty emotional. Crying because it’s her last holiday. Getting upset because you’re spending money on more space when you had already discussed this.

Don’t cancel the holiday and don’t offer to pay for it. It sounds as if you do a lot for her and tbh this holiday doesn’t come without strings as surely you will be looking after her a great deal and the holiday is very much for her. Sit down with a cuppa and talk it out.

NotANotMan · 11/01/2019 07:03

She already lives 2 miles away!
OP I know you say you 'adore' your mum and that's lovely but you are far more enmeshed with her than most people and it sounds like she still sees you as a child tbh

Petalflowers · 11/01/2019 07:13

I think the intended use of the money is irrelevant here. On a much simpler level, the crux of the matter is op is saying she has no money, and then can magic up some money.

It’s irrelevant that one use is a luxury and the other is an investment. As far as the mum is concerned, the op is able to access money, after saying she had none. Therefore in theory, she could borrow money for a holiday, in the same way she could borrow money for an extension.

(I know most poeople wouldn’t remortgage for a fancy holiday, but some people do, or get a loan).

I think the mum feels lied to or used because of this.

spidey66 · 11/01/2019 07:14

But you couldn't afford the holiday because your money was being prioritised towards the house, I assume? In which case your mum is being unreasonable.

BubonicWoman · 11/01/2019 07:24

You look after her incredibly well
Perhaps too well and she thinks she should be prioritised over you having a more comfortable living space?

RhiWrites · 11/01/2019 07:41

You are borrowing money for the extension. You did not have the money and wouldn’t have borrowed it for a holiday.

YANBU.

Yura · 11/01/2019 07:48

The op has no money. she is borrowing it. which makes sense (within reason) for a house extension, but is incredibly stupid to do for a holiday.

Youngerthanyesterday · 11/01/2019 07:57

I think that people often say "I can't afford something" when what they really mean is "that thing is not a financial priority for me". I think that's what's happened here.

Socksey · 11/01/2019 08:13

What is frightening is the number of people who think it is reasonable to remortgage to go on holiday 🤔
OP doesn't have cash to go on an expensive holiday..... didn't before and still doesn't.... therefore remortgaging doesn't all of a sudden make it affordable.
I too have also learnt the hard way about mixing money and parents.... I lent mine £70k, so all the equity I my house about 10 years ago when I emigrated for a few years ago and was promised it back after 5 years on my return.... I can't have it in case I fritter it away and they make snide comments about the fact they had a much nicer house than me at my age..... I had to start again completely....
If I was the OP, I would just say I wasn't going on the holiday and let her mum deal with it....

SaturdayNext · 11/01/2019 08:14

The simple fact is that you wouldn't have chosen the expensive holiday irrespective of what you were doing about the house. If you had gone to your mother begging her for money for the holiday and saying you couldn't afford either a holiday or a house move, she might have a point. But the fact is that, knowing that you needed and intended to get a bigger house, your mother freely offered the holiday. No matter how lovely she is, she is definitely NBU to spoil that for you when, in essence, you are simply doing what she knew you were planning to do at the time she offered.

Wheresthebeach · 11/01/2019 08:15

'one last holiday' - hmmm a tad manipulative, no?

I've had similar...my brother always claimed to be tight on money. So, since we live in different countries (I moved) I always flew over. Weddings, summers etc. My wedding? Nope they couldn't afford it etc etc. I now realise that actually they were paying off their mortgage, while we weren't because we were prioritising going over to see them. There is resentment as I thought they were broke, they are actually in a much better financial situation than us now - mortgage paid off, retiring at 55 etc etc. All the years I got 'the girls need to see you, we miss you, please come' etc etc. Rationally I know that actually they had priorities for themselves that were the most important. I just wish they hadn't constantly asked me to go over and laid on the guilt over seeing my nieces. However - they did what was right for them and frankly I should have been thinking the same way.

So how does this relate to you? 'one last holiday' is emotional blackmail. So on top of that, she's now making you feel guilty about accepting her gift. I think you need to look at her behaviour without the rose tinted glasses and be firm with her about what is acceptable and what isn't in terms of how she relates to you. I wish I had been clearer about how my family was making me feel, and put our financial future first- maybe our relationship would be better than it is now.

Peanutss · 11/01/2019 08:20

op is saying she has no money, and then can magic up some money

There's nothing magic about it. It isn't OPs money, it's the banks. The bank who likely wouldn't have even lent if they knew she was planning to throw it away on a holiday.

The OP can't afford either the holiday or the home improvements. The bank can afford the home improvements and have lent OP the money to do so.

You are not being unreasonable and how anyone can see your mother's point is beyond me completely.

whassupmissus · 11/01/2019 08:40

I totally disagree with your mother. Taking a mortgage out to extend a property is totally different from having disposable income to go on holiday. You need your money for your extension so you don't have the money to go on holiday. Int

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/01/2019 08:41

Has your mum financed your part of the holiday?

It's not relevant to the overall situation but it may very well explain her initial reaction if she's put your part of the holiday on credit, and you've then decided that you're going to extend your house instead. It's a different type of credit and it'd be madness to use the remortgaging money for a holiday but it might explain why her initial response was as it was.

SushiMonster · 11/01/2019 08:44

What is frightening is the number of people who think it is reasonable to remortgage to go on holiday

Quite.

I’ve often thought how do people with decent jobs end up in tens of K of debt. Attitudes like this.

OP was sensible. The holiday isn’t something they have money for.

TerriTummyTowels · 11/01/2019 08:47

op is saying she has no money, and then can magic up some money

Most of us can do this. If you had zero in your current account you would say you're skint this month, yet you could withdraw cash on your credit card, sell your car, sell your furniture, borrow from a loan shark.. people don't measure their wealth in what credit or emergency funds they can rustle up!!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/01/2019 08:50

The op was going to move and her dm knew about this when she offered the holiday. The op would have increased her mortgage when moving anyway. Increasing your mortgage to extend is no different in my book. The op didn’t have the money to go on a lavish holiday when she was moving and she still doesn’t have it now she’s extending her current house.

Remortgaging to go on holiday is a sure fire way to get into debt, don’t do it op.

Firesuit · 11/01/2019 09:01

Your mother and the minority on this thread who can see her point of view are literally idiots, possibly financial idiots only, but definitely all idiots. Only a complete an utter idiot uses borrowed money to pay for a holiday.

On the other hand, borrowing to buy more house, or tools or a car that enable earnings you wouldn't otherwise have, are virtually only the reasonable reasons for borrowing.

Do not contribute towards the holiday. Don't become an idiot just because your mother is to stupid to see how wrong she is.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 11/01/2019 09:09

What is frightening is the number of people who think it is reasonable to remortgage to go on holiday

I agree with this.
I spend my time trying to find ways to overpay ours Confused

Seaweed42 · 11/01/2019 09:19

Are you an only child or are there other siblings having a word in your mother's ear?
Your mother might be lovely but she's an emotional manipulator none the less, this: "she cried and said we should let her do it as it might be her last chance to holiday with us as she is getting old/fragile."
She cried and wanted to get her own way because by jesus she was getting that holiday by hook or by crook. She is lovely and caring to your face because she doesn't do 'angry'. Then resents her actions later in private as if someone 'made' her do it.
Stand your ground. Just re-assert your position. You would never have gone on an expensive holiday and tried to pay for an extension. Why don't you offer to repay her in small instalments each month?

Firesuit · 11/01/2019 09:21

But your refurbishment is not just paying for an extra bedroom, but also a bathroom and study. This is far beyond need.

Things that will benefit them every day for decades to come are still a far better use of money than a holiday. These things will benefit them long after the loan is paid off. The holiday will be a virtually vanished benefit within days of their return, but they might be paying for it for the next 20 years.

Didiusfalco · 11/01/2019 09:38

wheresthebeach I think as you moved country the onus is on you to come back and visit, not for your brother to fork out all the time because you decided to move. You can’t feel resentmentful about the affect of your own life choices. (Well you can, but it’s a bit unfair)

2019Dancerz · 11/01/2019 10:24

In terms of resale value for the house there are expectations from buyers that with a certain number of bedrooms, you have more than one bathroom - or a downstairs one if the extra bedroom is going to be there which I assume it is.

Meripenopause · 11/01/2019 11:39

Your DM probably isn't thinking of it as a frivolous holiday, but a priceless opportunity to spend time with a loved one before it's too late Grin.
She was willing to pay for this because your house-related spending was 'for her' (moving closer).
Maybe it has come as a shock to her to realise that she isn't your first priority. It certainly sounds as if you often put her at the centre of everything. She needs to understand that you have your own family who need your time and money. You sound like a great daughter, and maybe this is a necessary wake-up call for her. At a stretch I can see her POV - though I don't agree with it.

Travis1 · 11/01/2019 12:26

I actually cannot believe the number of people who think OP should have remortgaged for a holiday. Can you imagine if she'd come on here asking if she WBU to remortgage to fund a last luxurious holiday with her mother. She'd have been torn a new one!

OP I'm wondering if actually the move falling through is the crux of the matter. You were going to move to your mums road, basically next door. By doing the extension you are cementing the fact that you will not be moving and will be staying in your current home. I wouldn't be surprised if that was what was really upsetting her.

I would give her the option of cancelling but make it clear that the holiday was never an option for you regardless of the extension. It wasn't a case of choosing one over the other. You would not extend your mortgage for a holiday!