Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

[Candymay]

BaconMaker- sorry I don’t know how to quote but wanted to reply to you. I agree that my position is completely down to the way I am about accepting anything from anyone and you are right that this is not always the best way to be. Honestly I don’t think that it’s somehow superior to be like this but it’s just the way I am. Often to a foolish degree- I don’t accept any help financial or otherwise. It’s definitely this that has made me feel less understanding of OP here. I’m very generous with money and time for others and I’m thinking I’d be so hurt if they then spent thousands on something else. My own experiences are definitely colouring my thinking here and I may well be completely wrong about this.

Op says she has a lovely kind and generous mum though so hopefully there can be some way of explaining to mum the thinking behind the spending and to explain she definitely didn’t want to hurt her by taking the holiday and that she appreciated it very much.

[2019Dancerz]

You didn’t connect excitedly telling her that you wont be moving to live nearer to her, and her being upset with you?

[hiddeneverythin]

I can see both sides too

[ZoeZebra1]

@2019Dancerz the house purchase fell through in November. She knew that as it was happening. She also knew if that happened we would extend instead and stay where we are, we left it til new year to get quotes and remortgage so when everything was sorted yesterday I told her.

I live 2 miles from her currently, was hoping to buy on her road to be on hand constantly for her. I call her every day to check she is up and ok, I take her to lunch once a week, grocery shopping once a week, she comes to lunch every weekend, she spent all of Xmas with her, my DH does all odd jobs and gardening for her, she comes to every school event to see grandkids... I do this because I adore her. I truly love her completely which is why I am gutted we have made her feel taken advantage of.

[TrickyD]

We take our sons and their families on an annual long haul holiday, plus a ski trip.. A couple of years ago, DS1 spent about £60K on an extension. It would never cross my mind that his home improvements had any relevance to our paying for the family holiday.

[2019Dancerz]

Zoe sometimes when you do an awful lot for someone they take it completely for granted, which sounds like what your mum is doing. She has known your plans for ages and has a go at you now - not when you’re spending Christmas with her interestingly!

[FuckingYuleLog]

Has your mum had to borrow money to pay for the holiday maybe? I know you said she told you she could afford it but does she actually have the full amount in savings?
I think the pps idea of giving her an ‘out’ of paying her whatever she can’t get refunded is a good one.

[partinor]

The reason she is annoyed is because you could have afforded the holiday, you chose instead to spend money on a major refurbishment. Yes she knew you were planning to move to get an extra bedroom. But your refurbishment is not just paying for an extra bedroom, but also a bathroom and study. This is far beyond need.
I agree with you not wanting to borrow to pay for a holiday. But it would have been better to say to your mum we don't have the savings for a holiday, and we don't want to borrow for it, but we are going to borrow for our house.

[LiquoricePickle]

Your mum is BU, although I can understand that emotions run high over money.

If someone asked me to go on an expensive holiday I would say no because I can't afford it. However, I will be meeting my savings goals this year. I couldn't afford the holiday because it would mean that another thing didn't get paid for.

You can't afford the holiday, because you need to spend that money on the house. ( And by the way, that money won't just be "gone" like it would with a holiday)

[HerRoyalNotness]

It’s rubbish. You don’t have the cash for a holiday or the extension. You’re having a loan to do the house. No way should you add on to it for a holiday. That would be short sighted. Your mum is UR

[OutPinked]

You’re essentially using a loan to extend your house so your DC have more living space. You’re not lying to your mum about not being able to afford the holiday in any way hence needing to remortgage to afford the extension!

She is being ridiculous, she offered to pay.

[timeisnotaline]

She insisted. She’s being very unfair. My parents paid for a lovely holiday last year. We are talking about putting lots of money into buying a new house or renovating, much more than tens of thousands. They are completely fine with that as housing is a major cost for your family, they know we don’t spend that money on holidays.

[StoppinBy]

YANBU - you said you couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, she wanted you to come so she offered to pay and you accepted.

The reason that you couldn't afford the holiday is because you have other, very reasonable, expenses.

She can say she will take you on holiday, that was entirely her decision, she can't then dictate that you spend your money on that frivolous holiday rather than your house extension, she is being ridiculous and unless she actually sees that then I think that I would decline the holiday offer.

[BovrilOverkillOhMyInsides]

It's SIMPLE.

SHE wanted a last holiday.
SHE insisted on paying.
YOU checked that was OK because you felt awkward.
SHE insisted it was OK.
Mortgages aren't for frivolous holidays. They're a serious deal.
She is being a twat - you would have been moving anyway, which would be costing a lot of money. Either way, you're needing to spend a lot of money you have to borrow.
SHE is being unreasonable, not you.
She is holding you to random here, because she wants a holiday but expects to be the martyr who has spent thousands and deserves better.
If my mother spoke to me like that, I'd say I wasn't happy to go on holiday anymore because she's not making sense and I'd creating an unhappy atmosphere, you've got enough strips at the moment already.

[BovrilOverkillOhMyInsides]

*stress

[PolkaDoting]

God I’d be tempted to cancel and offer to reimburse her the deposit. Actually you can often get your deposit back if you’re cancelling far enough in advance.

But then I have a manipulative mother so I am wise to this shit.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Blimey there is some shocking ignorance about finance and remortgaging on this thread, both by posters and OP’s mother.

I think some people need to look into how it all works. You can’t remortgage to go on holiday. You can’t remortgage if you have already taken out a separate loan/credit card debt to fund a holiday. Ergo OP could not afford the holiday!

What i THINk Your mother was probably thinking was that you would defer your extension and use the extra money you say you now have available to you each month after paying off other debts and a credit card by taking out ANOTHER loan for the holiday that you could pay off within, say, a year and THEN remortgage for your extension.

She should have explicitly stated those were her expectations though. Clearly she wasn’t listening to you when you told her what your plans were for moving/extending and when exactly this would happen and how it would be funded. Because what kind of mother would expect their daughter to get into further debt for a holiday when she knows they are needing a bigger house for grandchildren???

Op, your mother is being completely unreasonable if she was expecting you to defer your extension/move while you pay off further massive credit card debt (for a holiday of HER choice and dictation) that you have only just cleared.

[TerriTummyTowels]

Unless your mum is a bit simple and I don't think she is, I think she understands the situation full well and is indirectly expressing her ire at you not moving closer to her personally.

[StoppinBy]

Having read all the comments I am amazed at all the people who think taking out a loan to afford a holiday is a reasonable thing, at our house we live within our means, we do not have a credit card and have never had one and have no intention (never say never right) of ever getting one.

If we don't have the money we don't get whatever it is that we want. We are a single income family and live in our eyes quite comfortably. With the exception of our mortgage we owe nothing to anyone. We have a reasonable amount of savings but if someone asked if we wanted to go on a holiday that would cost $10,000 we would say we couldn't afford it.... yes we have the money sitting against our mortgage as extra repayments that we have made... no we would not consider it reasonable to draw it back to go on a holiday like that.

OP the two types of spending that you are talking about are completely different. It is fine to say you can't afford to take an expensive holiday while allocating your available fund to a higher mortgage repayment so that you can live comfortably. Anyone who says otherwise has a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

[Butteredghost]

I think BaconMaker has a good point, if OP turned down the holiday her DM could have been just as upset. "Oh so you don't have the money to have one last holiday with me, but you have the money to do up your house, and I offered to pay anyway, I guess you just didn't want to go etc etc"

To be fair though, OP doesn't mention that her mum has asked for the money back, or her not come on the holiday. OP could you just try to forget this and smooth it over?

[cordeliavorkosigan]

YANBU. You can acknowledge that you understand her reaction. But you can also explain: the bank would not give the loan for a holiday. They would give the remortgage for home improvements because that way, their loan is protected as the equity is still out there and recoverable. Therefore you had the money for this extension (by borrowing it) but were not able to raise the funds for the holiday.
If she truly cannot accept this, then she is being deliberately obtuse and really kind of manipulative, and I think it's best to detach and not be so invested in what she thinks.
Banks don't put remortgage money in your hands for holidays for 6 when you are going month to month. Naturally.

[kateandme]

op you keep updating with how your beating yourself up.but you need to stp out ur own head right now and read what pp are putting when they say this isn't your fault and your not being ur.its all been explained how the money is different.if your mum doesn't see this "not your circus"
you can keep going round and round this in your head.be upset this has caused a rift but sort it now from the view point of that not that this is something you've done to upset her.otherwise you will just keep beating yourself up and getting upset and all guilt will come up and go roun and round.
I know its really hard.you can tell how much you love her and that is lovely.but right now something has gone skew wiff and its hurting.but don't add to that hurt by hitting yourself with a second arrow of self blame.the one arrow of the event itself is enough.
this can be sorted luv.dont worry.get some sleep and then go see your mum.dont let it fester.dont let more stories and worries and upset come from you both being sat in your own houses overthinking and being upset.that leads to more grief.

[RCohle]

I can see your point OP - a necessary loan for home improvements in lieu of moving and a loan for a holiday are totally different. That said, I do understand why your mum feels a bit used.

She maybe hasn't thought through why you have significant money available for the former but not the later. I think you could have handled it more sensitively.

[SleepWarrior]

Is it possible she's really disappointed that you won't be moving close and is projecting it onto this? You appearing to be splashing the cash (I realise you aren't but she doesn't seem to have perceived it that way) may have felt like an extra slap round the face..

[NewPapaGuinea]

So effectively your DM is OK with you remortgaging to pay for a holiday?

You couldn’t afford it before and you can’t afford it now. The fact you’re doing home improvements with a loan is irrelevant.