Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

Yanbu , we did the same 2 years ago borrowed on our house and extended so more space etc and still saving to get other jobs on the house . We can't afford holiday still because all our money going to get the house finished . We could go on holiday and not bother getting my bathroom fixed up but that would be daft .
She is being quite mean to take back her offer .

I disagree with the posters who say your mum has a point. Your mum doesn't have a point at all! At the time when your mum offered you the trip she knew you were about to spend £££ on selling your home, instead you chose to extend. Plus you're remortgaging.

I can sort of see why she’s put out. You said that you couldn’t afford the holiday which, if splitting hairs, is not really true.

I guess the truth is that you could afford a holiday but you are (rightly) choosing to prioritise an extension. However if you made that clear she IBU.

My judgment may be coloured by a friend who was always “hard up” and I was forever getting drinks and dinner. Turns out she was earning the same as me but chose to prioritise paying off her mortgage and is now mortgage free and buying a second property. I still have a mortgage.

I agree with your mum. The holiday is a slight red herring. On one hand you said you couldn’t afford a holiday, and then the next minute you’re planning extensions/house moving. Regardless of what the money is being used for, you’re able to access several thousand pounds.

Maybe you should have explained that you were saving towards a house move/extensions, although from your post it looks like that was decided after the holiday discussions.

How many parents would actually encourage their adult kids to spend £££ on a holiday instead of extending their home?! Mine certainly wouldn't!
Your mum is being a twat

It's sensible and usual to remortgage to extend your house, it's not sensible to remortgage to blow the money on a holiday.

YANBU but it might've been better if you hadn't mentioned it to your mum, yet.

I can also see both sides. You're doing a lot to the house, some which doesn't seem entirely necessary and your mum is spending thousands on your holiday hmmm...

However, if your mum knew this when she said she'd pay for you, YANBU.

Are people forgetting that at the time the mum offered to pay for the holiday she knew the OP was going to spend thousands (presumably through increasing mortgage, solicitors fees, estate agents etc) to move house and yet she was happy to pay for the holiday. Now that the OP is spending the money (through remortgaging) mum is suddenly not happy when to all intents and purposes it's the same thing. OP is, and always has been, borrowing money from the bank to improve her living situation, and doesn't have, and never has had, cash to spend on holidays.
OP I think your mum isn't thinking this through properly and she is the one BU.

100% YANBU! You didn’t plan an expensive holiday as you had earmarked the funds for something that you needed more. You - sensibly - declined the holiday based on this. Your mother was so keen that you joined them that she offered to pay, which is the only reason that you accepted - otherwise you would not have chosen to spend the money this way.

If it had been the other way round (your mum gave you money for an extension and you’d then swanned off on an expensive holiday) then I’d see her point...!

If she cancelled just for your family would she get anything back at all? If she were to get say 80% back then you could ask her to cancel and you would pay back the other 20% over the next couple of years (by not taking her on meals out etc). Alternatively go on the holiday but before you go give her a payment schedule that will repay the entire cost of the holiday over a period that is possible for you (eg 5 years) again fund this by cutting back on your generosity towards her.

The thing is, an extension is going to improve the quality of your family life in a way that is worth getting into debt for. Plus the debt is going to be repaid slowly over the lifetime of the mortgage so it won't increase your monthly outgoings by as much as a short-term holiday loan would. It is a capital expenditure in the sense that the value of your house will increase following the extension, hopefully by more than the cost of the extension.

A holiday is not capital expenditure, it's money down the drain that you will never get back. It will improve the happiness of your family temporarily, but only for the duration of the holiday, not in the way that having more space will improve the happiness of your family.

The situation has not changed. You still cannot afford to throw away money on luxuries like a holiday even though you can afford to borrow long term for a capital investment.

What has changed is that you now understand that if you accept any kindness from your Mother she will use it as a means to control and guilt trip you, so you can never accept anything again except for things that are reciprocated like Christmas presents.

I'm with your mum too. You should have declined the offer stating your priorities lay elsewhere not had both with someone else picking up the tab. Can you she cancel and you pay her back the deposit she will have lost?

be aware of people buying you. As someone who has gone on many holidays for 'free' being a massage therapist/yoga teacher I'd say it's exhausting. You always have to do what they want, it's called rent a friend. This will almost certainly come to a bitter end. Please update us afterwards when you didn't adhere to her idea of what a perfect holiday partner would be. There is no such thing as a free lunch, unless you shoplift ;)

dont offer to pay because then you will be in the shit with money and that will taint it all the more.she offered that offer still needs to stand.
but I would talk to your mum.sit down.calm.breathe.cup of tea.try not to et too emotive though I know this is hard with money and mum in the mix together!and just explain to her like you have and like pp have on why it is different.be honest be raw but exaplin it to her.
then try and find a way in that same convvo to make up.i assume your mum wouldn't mean to hurt you?

I disagree that it’s tasteless. It’s not like you’ve suddenly magiced £20k from savings you didn’t tell her about to pay for extension... you are re mortgaging your house. At the point of conversation about holiday you couldn’t afford it and told her so: you still can’t affotd it, you are increasing your mortgage, presumably over 10/20 years to afford to make your house large enough for your family. You’d be mad to remortgage to pay for a holiday, and your provider wouldn’t approve it any how:

I can see your mum’s point but I would think you were BU to remortgage to pay for a holiday because that would show you can’t afford it. I think remortgaging really is there for exception circumstances and for home improvements, which is what you are doing.

NotANotMan exactly what I was thinking.there really is a wide world of "what the..." that you see when you come on mumsnet.
infact I think this would make mum offer all the more to pay.

What you should have said wasn’t that you could afford the holiday, but that you couldn’t justify spending the money on it because you had plans for the house.

People often say they “can’t afford” when actually what they mean is that, perfectly reasonably, they don’t wan, or can’t justify, to allocating money to a particular thing.

I can see where your mum is coming from.

She will probably get over it and see sense if she has a bit of time to think about it. She should gave offered Clacton!
Have nice time and good luck w house

Yanbu your remortgaging your house for home improvements not a holiday, besides your dm offered and now its seeming like she has the huff because it seems to her you have thousands of £ for the house yet none for a holiday which isnt the case

I can see where your mum is coming from, but you don’t have ready cash, you’re having to remortgage.

You’d have had to have taken out a loan for the holiday. Presumably she didn’t want this which is why she offered to pay.

YANBU. You DM is trying to control how you spend your money and not even in a good way. Presumably DM was aware that your accommodation was not meeting its need and knows in the current market how expensive that is. Housing is an essential, expensive holiday isn't.

Seriously who remortgages their house for an expensive holiday? Your DM is being unreasonable. However reading threads of the last few days it seems there is no such thing as an unconditional gift.

If you left the house extension until after the holiday her reaction would be the same.. you took a free holiday and came home and spent all that money on the house! Even two years down the line you'd still be accused of this.

WTAF? There are no both sides, she asked you to go on an expensive holiday with her, you and 4 kids and your spouse, which she knows damn well would cost you FAR more than what she'd pay to go on your own because you didn't want to spend a vast sum of money (paying for 6 people is a lot) on a fucking holiday, but elsewhere, and now she has the nerve to call you a pisstaker?

What a fucking cheek.

I'd tell her to cancel it. Wouldn't want to go anymore. FUCK going into debt by adding to your bloody mortgage to appease her desire for an expensive holiday.

Wouldn't give her a penny, either.

Cannot believe people think this woman has a point.

Yanbu there is potentially some crossed wires but that’s about it.

An extra £100 pm on the mortgage is now the same as ponying up £10k for a holiday... also your mother offered to pay!??

If she has that kind of cash improving living quality for her Grandchildren is better than going on a fancy holibob