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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

232 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 10/01/2019 18:18

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 10/01/2019 19:32

She knows we have lived month to month and have no savings

Are you upping your monthly repayments with the remortgage?

Wotev · 10/01/2019 19:33

Tell her, that because you were looking to enlarge home is precisely why you can't afford a holiday and which is why she paid for it.

PrimalLass · 10/01/2019 19:33

Really tough one, but from her point of view you’re happy to spend when it suits you

So? Her mum suggested the holiday. "No can't afford it" can mean "because we need to spend that money on something else". How many years should the OP not spend any money just in case her mum gets miffed?

IceCreamSunday87 · 10/01/2019 19:35

Your mum is definitely unreasonable without a doubt.
For me, I would have to say to your mum that we won't be going on the holiday now as she's tainted it.
I can imagine her moaning to extended family and friends how cheeky you are being. If you go, it's going to look like you actually are.

2019Dancerz · 10/01/2019 19:35

Yeah, the mother is coming across as really kind and generous Not! OP you are quick to defend her but you say yourself you help her a lot. If she has spare cash why should she not choose to spend it on you? One holiday with her family might be preferable to five solo ones.
Can you afford the larger mortgage the remortgage will bring?

Wheresthebeach · 10/01/2019 19:36

Huge difference between spending money on your home, and going on holiday. She offered, it wasn't conditional on you being broke, it was because she wanted to.

I'm sure its upsetting but you need to set her straight. You are remortgaging to make space for your children. That comes before holidays. Suggest she cancel and don't accept anything from her in the future.

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 10/01/2019 19:38

@TulipsInbloom1 yes we are, but only because we have paid off previous debt and credit card so have the extra. We are also going down to one car to make it affordable.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 10/01/2019 19:39

You don't have the money suddenly, you're borrowing it! Releasing equity is nothing more than a loan against hopeful future house prices. Does she grasp that?

blue25 · 10/01/2019 19:40

I can really see your mum's point of view. You said you couldn't afford the holiday, but then spend thousands on home improvements. She probably feels taken advantage of.

OohOohMrPeevly · 10/01/2019 19:40

You are definitely not being unreasonable - you need that space for your growing family and it's a necessity. The holiday is a luxury which you had decided you couldn't afford and the fact that she chose to pay for you shouldn't make you feel bad.

Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2019 19:41

OP - You can't afford the holiday. You can't actually afford the extension. You have no savings.
You are BORROWING to afford the extension which is very different form just having the money lying around and not using it for the holiday.

YANBU.

IncomingCannonFire · 10/01/2019 19:42

She is being a bit hard of thinking about it.
I would rethink the holiday unless dm backtracks massively.
Also rethink helping her out with the bits and bobs
She should be treating you to lunch, etc.

2019Dancerz · 10/01/2019 19:43

Blue25 sorry but are you hard of thinking, the mother proposed some fancy holiday to her daughter (ie her choice of hol) who she knew was looking to move house. Offers to pay. Then gets upset when daughter does the equivalent of moving house, which is what she knew was planned all along!

altiara · 10/01/2019 19:43

But you don’t have the money, you need to borrow it. Did she forget you were trying to move to a bigger house? Or would she have been upset about that too?

Hmm, so such thing as a free holiday!

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 10/01/2019 19:44

Sorry- I agree that it’s rather tasteless on your part OP

If you’d said ‘well we’d like to but a holiday isn’t a priority and we’re spending on house instead’ then fair enough but you didn’t.
You said you couldnt afford it when in fact you can but don’t want to!

Whilst you wouldn’t remortgage your home to pay for a holiday (like any sane person) it’s just rather ungrateful to allow your mother to pay for an expensive trip and then you spend loads extending your home!

It was bad timing

Bluetrews25 · 10/01/2019 19:44

Be careful here.
She is buying you with the holiday, she might not realise this now, but when she gets more infirm, she will feel it is right that you care for her as you 'owe' her. And you will feel obliged to do whatever she asks as you feel that you owe her in return for the holiday, even though she offered and it was allegedly without strings at the time.
It will not kill you not to have a holiday. (If it did, I'd have died every year for a decade.) And the DCs will get over it.

ichbineinstasumer · 10/01/2019 19:46

YANBU, your mother has created a false equivalence here between the holiday (her idea, cried when you didn't accept at first), and borrowing to increase your living space (whether by extension or moving house). The mortgage company is willing to provide funds for the latter, which are secured against your home, but they certainly wouldn't lend you money for a holiday unless you agreed to secure that loan against your home which surely anyone can see would be an irresponsible thing for anyone to do let alone a person with a partner and 4 DCs. Absolutely do not understand anyone seeing that the mother has a point. She's feeling upset, but for no good reason at all. Does she really think you should prioritise a luxury holiday (discretionary spending) over a much more basic need for the long term wellbeing of your family.

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/01/2019 19:47

How much is she paying for?
I'm assuming flights and accommodation but spending money for a family of 6 will add up.
I don't think you are necessarily being a CF bit I'm not sure your Mum is either.

saveforthat · 10/01/2019 19:49

You are definitely not being unreasonable but in answer to a previous poster. Holidays do not leave you just with photos. They do or should leave you with fantastic memories and I would always prioritise experiences over anything else. That said if she offered to pay there should be no conditions.

NotANotMan · 10/01/2019 19:51

You said you couldnt afford it when in fact you can but don’t want to!

Having equity in your house which you could theoretically borrow to go on holiday is not being able to afford a holiday and choosing not to!

museumum · 10/01/2019 19:51

Having read your update about the crying I’m sorry to say your mum is either manipulative and not lovely or she’s not very bright / doesn’t understand basic home finances.
Sorry Sad

NWQM · 10/01/2019 19:53

I don’t think you have been unreasonable. You have modified the plans for a move with new mortgage to a remortgage to facilitate work. She offered you a holiday. You reluctantly accepted. You were not being unreasonable. What has she said she now wants to do?

tillytrotter1 · 10/01/2019 19:54

I think your mum's got a point, bit tasteless to accept thousands for a trip and then tell her about the thousands you're now going to spend on something else.

Nonsense, we've had a couple of family trips which we have funded, we offered to fund them and that was that, it wouldn't have occurred to me to monitor how they spent their own money.

FuckingYuleLog · 10/01/2019 19:56

I think it is tasteless to say you can’t afford something, have someone pay and then go on about all the money you’re spending on something else.
What you should have said was that you could easily afford it but a fancy holiday isn’t a priority for you. If she still wanted to pay then she could have no complaint about you spending money elsewhere.

NotANotMan · 10/01/2019 19:58

What you should have said was that you could easily afford it but a fancy holiday isn’t a priority for you

They are borrowing to extend their house

In what universe is that 'easily afford an expensive holiday'

They live month to month with no savings and just paid off credit cards

Again, how could they 'easily afford' an expensive holiday?!