Accepting offer of holiday and then doing this?

[ZoeZebra1]

Really unsure if I am unreasonable, on the face of it I think I am...

Mum asked us to take a lavish holiday abroad with her, me my husband and 4 kids. I said no because we simply don't have that money. She came back and said she would pay for us all, it took me by surprise and after much toing and growing with mum, and reassurance she can afford this, we accepted. Holiday is booked for later this year.

In the meantime, we have been looking to move to a larger property but it all fell through and we have decided instead to extend to create and extra bedroom, study and bathroom. We currently have 3 beds, which with 4 kids is a squeeze. We are going to remortgage to do it, using the money that we would have had to add to the mortgage to move but ultimately saving on loving costs.

I told mum of our plans, feeling excited, and she has basically told me that it's out of order to take a free holiday by saying we can't afford it and then spending tens of thousands on house improvements and we are basically taking the piss.

I'm really upset, we genuinely don't have disposable money to spend on grand holidays but see increasing our living space as a necessity for our family right now and always planned on increasing the mortgage to do so by moving... Mum knew this at the time as we discussed it with her and were on the market at the time she booked the holiday.

The holiday feels tainted now, but it's all paid for and kids are excited...

So AIBU? Have I been a CF?

[Angrybird345]

Your mum is a cow hag.

[KurriKurri]

Was your Mum aware before the holiday plans that you were planning to buy another house and have the costs of moving, bigger mortgage etc ?

Because if so then just explain that the situation hasn;t really changed - instead of moving you are getting an extra mortgage to enlarge your current house as the sale fell through. You still don't have liquid assets as such, your money is tied into your property. It's almost like your Mum saying 'you;ve got a big house so you can afford a holiday' (not quite but sort of).

If all the plans have come about since she paid for the holiday then I can see why she might be a bit peeved. But ultimately I've lent my adult kids money, and I don't expect them to prioritise paying me back over moving house type stuff - because I want to see them set up and secure in their homes with their families, that's my priority and I don;t lend or give money I haven't got. I tend to feel once I give money to someone (or bought them a holiday) then that's the end of my involvement and my opinion on the matter. Me lending is a separate thing from their other finances. if I thought they had money to throw about I wouldn't offer in the first place.

I can understand you feeling bad though - falling out over money is always horrible and never worth it, that's why I've always gone for don;t give or lend what you can;t afford to lose, because I always want to be able to say 'forget it, it doesn;t matter' rather than fall out.

[InAPreviousLife]

You ar increasing your level of debt to imorove your home (admittedly through a prtgage which is the best kind of debt).
There's no way a normal person would remortgage their home to pay for a luxury holiday.

You haven't moved the goalposts at all, but your mum is being very unfair expecting you to basically get into a massive amount of debt just to go on a holiday that she offered to pay for.

I think your mum is out of order. Moving home/massive renovations are a family investment that is necessary and sound. Luxury holidays are a nice to have and exactly that...a luxury!

[Calmdown14]

Does your mum understand how you are financing the build? That it is something that will take you the next 20 years to pay off and while you feel it is worth it for your house (both as a home and an investment) you couldn't possibly put yourself in this position for a holiday. She has possibly just misunderstood and thinks you had mega bucks in the bank you didn't admit to. I think you need to talk to her well before the holiday and maybe suggest she looks into cancelling and using the deposit for a trip without you? If she says no then you can go with a totally clear conscious as whether she's in the wrong or not, it has affected how you feel about it

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

But you didn’t ask for the holiday- Sorry but your mum is being Unreasonable! Finances is about making choices, you wouldn’t have chosen a holiday equally you didn’t ask for one. If I were you I’d be tempted to suggest you don’t go to your mum

[KurriKurri]

Your mum is a cow hag.

Why the hell would you write something like that? Are you that abusive to people in real life ? OP has said she adores her Mum and is upset they have fallen out, various people have said they can see both viewpoint. So what on earth do you think you add to the discussion by writing something so pointless ? I despair of this place sometimes, seems to be just people sitting at their keyboards spewing out vileness.

[eddielizzard]

I hate this sort of horribleness. She never should have offered to pay if she was going to resent you. Has she seen how much of a struggle it is in your 3 bedroom house? Does she understand what you're having to do to finance it?

[xMSx]

I'm baffled at how anyone is on your mums side about this.
You are a family of 6 living in a 3 bed house. Even if you just had the spare cash I'm sure your children in the long run would appreciate another bedroom etc, especially in future when they have friends over etc rather than a single holiday. You're doing what's best for your children/home.

[BubonicWoman]

I don't know how anyone can think your mum has a point except that it is aibu do compulsory for some to say you are
Your mum is a CF. Lots of us would spend on the house but not on a luxury holiday. If you did prioritise a holiday it wouldn't necessarily be with your mum
She wanted the holiday, she offered to pay and now she is trying to guilt you

[2019Dancerz]

I think the totally normal, used by everyone definition of afford is completely adequate in this scenario.
I wouldn’t say “I can afford a designer handbag but choose to spend my money on my mortgage” I would quite rightly say I can’t afford the handbag. Simply having access to ££ is not the same as being able to afford something.
OP sounds as if she normally looks after her mum not the other way around. My dm paid for a couple of (UK) holidays for us, for 3 reasons - she could just afford to, she wanted to spend time with us all, and she was a lovely mother.

[museumum]

Remortgaging isn’t free money to spend on a holiday (or shouldn’t be). You should only remortgage to invest back in the property unless it’s a dire emergency.

[Thewheelsarefallingoff]

Yanbu at all! Remortgaging a house is nothing like having spare cash for a holiday.

[ZoeZebra1]

Thanks again. Mum knew we were on the market and looking to buy bigger. She knows the extension will be paid via remortgage. She knows we have lived month to month and have no savings.
Also when we initially said no, and she offered to pay, and we said we felt uncomfortable with her paying, she cried and said we should let her do it as it might be her last chance to holiday with us as she is getting old/fragile.
However, I still feel like an insensitive prick!

[Drum2018]

Your mother is in the wrong here. The holiday and house are 2 completely separate issues.

You could not afford to waste money on a lavish holiday. Your mother wanted you to go so paid for you all. Fair play to her.

You are getting a mortgage to extend your house - a sum of money that will no doubt have been assigned to every aspect of your extension and new fittings etc. This sum of money is not going to be sitting in your account for any length of time and you will spend years paying it back. So it's not as if you are going to be living it up on it. Any spare money or savings you have are no doubt going into the house.

A holiday is an unnecessary luxury and your mother was happy to pay for that for you. The house is a necessary upgrade for the longterm needs of your family.

Tell your mother if she can get her money back that you are more than willing to forego the holiday.

[Smallhorse]

Your Mum sort of has a point. I can completely see it from her side.
I think she is likely to calm down and be more reasonable in a bit
But can see it from yours too !

[CloserIAm2Fine]

YANBU

you’re borrowing money to do the extension, which is totally reasonable. Getting a loan to go on holiday would be stupid.

[drinkygin]

So basically your mum guilt tripped you into accepting her offer to pay. You are 100% not being unreasonable, your mum is being a selfish, stroppy, childish CF. Ask her if she would prefer to go on her own because that’s whatll be happening.

[ZoeZebra1]

Also, my mum isn't a cowbag, she is lovely and kind and generous but I have upset her over this. We never argue and she is my best friend. She understands everything financially and knows we need more space but feels slighted that we said we couldn't afford the holiday but can find the money somehow for this.

[nicoala1]

Mum seems to like controlling your life OP.

Go elsewhere and say thank you Mum, but your attitude is not sitting right with me and our family right now. Sorted.

Shared holidays with family rarely work anyway IME. Do your own thing, and do not be beholden to anyone.

[TerriTummyTowels]

feels slighted that we said we couldn't afford the holiday but can find the money somehow for this.

Does she not understand what credit is? Expecting you to pay with remortgage money is like taking out a loan to go on holiday. If someone says they can't afford something it doesn't mean it's impossible as they could get credit but most people understand that.

Further, she invited you so is clearly choosing the destination, etc. and should be shouldering the bill for that freedom.

[BaconMaker]

I would just explain to her very kindly that your house at the moment isn't meeting your needs. You need more space and that has to be your priority. You don't have the money for the improvements you're remortgaging as an investment and to improve your family life. You would never remortgage for a one off holiday.

[PrimalLass]

Cannot believe people think this woman has a point.

This.

[greendale17]

I imagine the OP has told her mother of her money struggles. Mother then offer to pay for holiday.

I can see exactly where your mother is coming from.

[username7000]

I don't understand those who think your mum has a point.
You didn't ask for money from her she offered in fact wanted to pay for a holiday .
You don't suddenly have money , the money from the bank for home improvements all will be accounted for and you may possibly need more as I know work can over cost .
Just tell her that if she wants to cancel the holiday then so be it but you do not have any money to pay for a holiday.
I always think when someone offers to pay for you it's thrown back in your face when felt like it , probably not worth it .

[Bunnyfuller]

Really tough one, but from her point of view you’re happy to spend when it suits you (yes, I know, mortgage, more room, I completely get it).

I would probably have said literally that I have to decline the holiday as it isnt fair to expect her to pay when we are planning to spend X. Mum would’ve probably said it’s still fine and all good.