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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

237 replies

anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 08:52

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

OP posts:
IamIwas · 09/01/2019 08:54

I think you at doing the right thing to get out now.

Singlenotsingle · 09/01/2019 08:59

If it's that important to you, then leave him now. Much easier to do it while you don't own a house which then needs to be sold. How about civil partnership instead? Would he be up for that?

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2019 08:59

He wants you to prove you deserve a proposal? He sounds like a knob

LordPickle · 09/01/2019 08:59

You have to EARN it? That would have put me off him immediately. Confused

Yes you should definitely end it. He sounds like a douchebag.

pippistrelle · 09/01/2019 08:59

You can't force others to fit in with your schedule and appreciating the benefits of flexibility will be a great life-skill in the longer terms. Also, many people see engagement as a brief precursor to marriage, not as a thing that lasts for years in itself.

But, frankly, it sounds like you've made your wishes very clear, and the dynamic around a possible proposal sounds toxic. This relationship doesn't sound loving enough to sustain a marriage.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 09:02

This is a really tough one.

He could be being a twat but on the other hand there are a couple of things to think about.

You seem to be talking about it a lot, do you think he's feeling pressurised?

I personally waited eight years for my DP to propose and a few of my friends waited ten or similar lengths. Some men take a long time.

Are you sure the 'fake proposing' isn't serious? Maybe he backs out when he sees your reaction. I know of a few people who have done it this way, no ring and no knee but then they go and get the ring together. You don't need a big proposal.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 09:03

Leave.

MatildaTheCat · 09/01/2019 09:04

I started thinking YABU as an engagement is the period before a planned wedding in my world. However, he sounds very controlling and nasty- which I suspect you know.

This does indeed sound an ideal time to leave and reevaluate. This isn’t a healthy relationship. You will look back and be glad you aren’t ‘engaged’ to a man like this.

PaintingOwls · 09/01/2019 09:05

I thought you wbu until I saw the bull be throws at you about "deserving" a proposal. I know men like this and they're always full of stories how their wives "nagged" them into proposing after 8 years or something!

I think the planets are aligned for you to get a clean break. You've lived life on his terms long enough. Don't get pulled into a mortgage with someone who has so little regard for you.

Original poster
anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 09:06

He definitely didn't mean the proposals as I've always said yes.

I have spoken about it a fair bit recently, before I never even mentioned it. but my best friend got engaged and I guess that just made me realise?

Also all of his friends are married and he kept using a friend from work who had been with their partner now 2 years and she was a single mother, he said how they have a mortgage together which is enough commitment and how they both say 'they'd be lucky' about getting a ring but the friend recently proposed.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 09:07

Leave.

Pachyderm1 · 09/01/2019 09:08

You should absolutely leave now - because he doesn’t respect you and isn’t a nice partner. Holding the promise of engagement over you as a reward you have to earn by behaving the way he wants is incredibly shitty behaviour. He isn’t being honest and he isn’t committing to you.

You are still so young. Not too young to get engaged if it’s the right person, but he clearly isn’t. You have all the time in the world to meet someone who actually treats you well, get married, buy a house and have kids. Don’t throw away any more time on this manipulative loser who doesn’t really want to marry you.

Billballbaggins · 09/01/2019 09:08

He sounds fucking horrible OP. You have to earn a proposal? ‘And you expect me to marry you?’ when you have said something he doesn’t like? Wow. Plus the fake proposals. Seriously why would you want to be with someone so awful. He knows you want to be engaged so he will dangle that carrot over your head for years. Then if he does ‘properly’ propose you’ll have to ‘earn’ a wedding and that carrot will be dangled over your head for years. So wrong.

Luckingfovely · 09/01/2019 09:09

Deserve a proposal?

These are the not the words of a man in love with you or who wants to spend his life with you.

(And if they are - he is not a man who you should love or want to spend your life with).

I'm in the run for the hills camp, and find a good man who actually respects you and who you can trust.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2019 09:09

So you were on holiday, he asked you to marry you and you questioned the validity of his proposal because it didn't meet your expectations?

However the fact he said you need to earn it and prove you deserve it would ring alarm bells. Will you then need to prove you deserve a wedding, children, access to joint account whilst on maternity leave, help with the kids? Is he generally quite controlling?

formerbabe · 09/01/2019 09:09

I think you should end it because he doesn't sound all that nice.

I also think you should chill out...you're only 25!

MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 09:09

This happened to my sister she left proper.y left dumped him, moved out of their jointly owned house and meant it. It was triggered by her having to make a big move on his behalf which she refused to do unless married. Called his bluff basically. He realised he had been a dick they were married within the year that was 12 years ago they have lovely kids and life together. So I would properly end it and mean it. Call his bluff.

An old friend of mine refused to live with a man unless married. Actually I think she was right.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/01/2019 09:09

A perfect storm has gathered. Your chance to leave is now, before you get trapped with another property.
You don’t earn a proposal. Also I think if you push him to this, you will get engaged but he will never marry you I’m afraid. And why would you want to be tied to this abusive man.
The hills are that way—->

juneau · 09/01/2019 09:10

'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

Seriously? Leave him. He's dicking you around and I doubt there ever will be the proposal you seem, inexplicably, to want. Why would you want to tie yourself, for life, to such a twattish man?

user1486915549 · 09/01/2019 09:14

He is a total time waster.
It doesn’t sound as if he even likes you !
You are young. Don’t get tied in to another house with him.
Time to move on.

gamerchick · 09/01/2019 09:15

I think I want to hear his side.

Yes he sounds like a dick saying you need to earn one but I'm wondering what kind of proposal you're after. If you were joking about the whole on one knee thing and other specific things then yes you're probably not compatible.

If you're serious then I want to hear his side of it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/01/2019 09:16

He sounds awful when you argue and getting engaged won't fix that. When he's not got an engagement to hold over you, what will be next? The actual wedding? Children?

Dartilla · 09/01/2019 09:17

My partner dragged his heels, and 2 years into the relationship with no commitment, I left. There's no wrong or right with what YOU want, it's whether you want the same things. I felt we clearly weren't on the same page, although I loved him, so I left.

I got on with my life, busied myself, went on a few dates, I missed him but it was better than feeling I was in a dead-end relationship.

Well, he got back in touch. He said he couldn't see his life without me in it, he'd taken me for granted and would I give him another chance. I was hesitant as I didn't want to be a fool, but we started afresh.

He proposed a year later, but we were engaged for 4 years because I wanted to be SURE.

Now we're very, very happily married.

Listen to your gut. I'd be more worried about the utter disrespect he shows when you argue - he doesn't sound emotionally mature, but this could be one exception if he's otherwise great.

Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/01/2019 09:17

Earn it??

Fuck that!! Bye bye asshole! And as soon as you leave I guarantee he will propose and you just keep on walking!!! He clearly has a very high opinion of himself, you need to start regarding yourself more as well, don't hang around for scraps or wait for him to decide you have done enough, run run run,the hills are that way --->

CloserIAm2Fine · 09/01/2019 09:18

I was all set to say YABU and why not you propose to him

However the fake proposals and holding a potential proposal over you saying you have to earn it makes him sound like a total knob.

If that’s a snapshot of a loving, joking relationship that just hasn’t come across well on here then either propose to him or accept that he’s not ready yet.

If the crap is indicative of how he treats you in general then get out now, the timing is good with the house sale. He’s not going to propose. He’ll keep on dangling it in front of you like this.