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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

237 replies

anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 08:52

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 09/01/2019 11:13

He doesn't respect you!

Leave now and find someone who adores you and desperately wants to marry you. Not someone like this who thinks you need to earn it or whom you have to coerce with ultimatums. None of what you have described about him sounds healthy or has the makings of a happy marriage. Expect better for yourself don't throw your precious life away on a man who doesn't value you!

flowery · 09/01/2019 11:18

You shouldn’t necessarily leave him because you want to get engaged and he doesn’t. However you should leave him because of this: “you have to earn it” “you have to prove you deserve a proposal”.

oscambercat · 09/01/2019 11:19

Leave. You don't need to explain yourself, he knows what you wanted. Be kind but firm and walk away. He'll realize what he had and come chasing you back... and if he doesn't then you definitely needed to move on.

CharlyAngelic · 09/01/2019 11:21

I wish Mumsnet was around when I was your age , sweetheart .

LarkDescending · 09/01/2019 11:24

The clincher here is nothing to do with age, and everything to do with the fact that this man is not kind, not considerate, nor respectful.

If he had those qualities he would not be mocking you, OP, with fake proposals which go nowhere. He would certainly not be setting himself up as the prize which you might win (some sunlit day down the road) if only you dance to his tune.

You are the prize, OP. Do not settle for any man who does not prize you.

burritofan · 09/01/2019 11:25

I do want a few years of engagement because I would like to save for the wedding

I still don't understand why you can't start saving before a proposal, especially if you've already planned a wedding without one. Just open a savings account and prioritise saving. What am I missing?

If you and he break up and you end up with a much nicer man who doesn't fake propose or make you jump through hoops or say horrible things, you'll still have the money set aside for a splashy wedding, or anything else you please.

incywincybitofa · 09/01/2019 11:26

How can you plan a wedding without an engagement?
He doesn't have to be abusive in more ways than one to not be worthy of you. One is more than enough
If you like the finer things in life then get them for yourself.
25 isn't necessarily young and life can make you older and wiser than your years but you do sound like you could do with getting a broader prospective on life the world and relationships.
Travel. Go out with your friends. Do something not related to saving and waiting for a wedding.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 09/01/2019 11:31

OP- I’m 26 and about to get married to a 31 year old! Last year I was in your EXACT situation!

If DP had acted the way yours is I would have ran for the hills!!! Do not try to fix it - ‘you need to earn a proposal’ RED BLOODY FLAG!!!! RUN AWAY!!

At 23 I was briefly engaged to my 29 year old partner of 2 years and then he started that bullshit over the arrangements - we would disagree over invitation styles and he’d be like ‘...and you expect me to marry someone who can’t agree on anything with me?’ - by which he meant ‘you expect me to marry a girl who thinks she’s entitled to her own opinion’

mrsk28 · 09/01/2019 11:34

I think the way he's holding the threat of not proposing over you is shocking. An engagement is not a gift to you, it's a promise you make to each other.
However I can see how he might say things like that in the heat of an argument because he knows it's a sensitive topic for you. Not saying it's right but he may not really mean it? The joke proposals are quite mean though.

I suppose you need to ask yourself what is important. Is being with him more important to you than being married or the other way around?

I would have a chat with him and tell him you're concerned that you don't have the same goals in mind and that's why you keep mentioning an engagement. If he plans on doing it anyway then why the delay? If it's just a ring you've made it clear you don't need something flashy and he can just get you a token ring for now and order something he can pay off over time maybe?

It's unfair you have to deal with this at all but if nothing changes or if he keeps treating you this way I would have to think about whether to stay or go. But don't be too hasty, he could be planning something for all you know.

I kept mentioning getting engaged to my now husband for around 6 months prior to our engagement. He kept saying he wasn't ready to propose and it really got me down, I was contemplating what to do exactly the same as you.
Turns out he wanted to wait for a specific date (anniversary) to ask and already had a ring.

Wheresthebeach · 09/01/2019 11:37

Jesus Christ woman - run, now, as fast as your feet can take you.

He's going to waste your 20's, and even if he does honour you with marriage eventually, he'll have trained you to behave in a way that 'deserves' good treatment. Abusive twat. Run. I don't care how much he says he loves you.

WhirlieGigg · 09/01/2019 11:38

He should be desperate to marry you and thrilled if you say yes. Not saying you have to “earn” it. You shouldn’t have to earn his love and commitment. I’m afraid he’s stringing you along. He isn’t in love with you or he’d be desperate to tie you down. You’re just convenient, and if he does marry you it’ll be out of convenience not love.

Missingstreetlife · 09/01/2019 11:40

You don't have to be engaged to save up, you can have a joint savings account or do it separately. You sound like you are playing house.

cakecakecheese · 09/01/2019 11:41

Saying something mean in the heat of an argument isn't great but it happens, the fact that he has done this repeatedly and picks the one thing that means the most to you is unnecessarily cruel, as are the 'joke' proposals.

Next time he does this after you've calmed down sit down and tell him how hurtful it is when he says these things to you. You have to get out of this waiting/him holding it over you cycle.

MadeleineMaxwell · 09/01/2019 11:46

Bloody hell.

Look, marriage is a commitment. You need to be a team and pulling in the same direction. It is not a gift bestowed upon the hapless maid by the generous man. You do not have to earn it.

An engagement is nice, weddings are nice, but it's not the end goal of it all. You will have 50+ years together after all the hubbub has died down to live your lives and if he's playing silly buggers already, then it doesn't bode well, I'm afraid.

Seaweed42 · 09/01/2019 11:46

You say: "He is not abusive in any other way, in arguments he tends to try to say things to hurt me to get a reaction." This is a description of emotional abuse. Someone who toys with your feelings for their own satisfaction.

He is teasing and bullying you by using something he knows will hurt you. That's just plain nasty. You need to call him on these things. You said you were in an abusive relationship before this, why not have counselling now for a while? It would help you decide what truly feels right for you, away from the pressure of him, family and friends.
Also, suggest to him that you no longer feel ready to buy a house with him and you want to rent a place until you decide. You are young - the best thing to do when you don't feel ready to make any decision is to buy time to think.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 09/01/2019 11:52

I'm going to go against the grain here.

He might not actually be ready to get engaged and all of this unrelenting pressure from you might genuinely be setting him back even more. His comments aren't nice, obviously, but maybe he is frustrated about hearing you bang on about marriage all the time and this timeline you've created all on your own. It's also rather unfair to assume that because he is older he's ready to pop the question.

It doesn't sound like you're on the same page, timescale or anything else really so you might be best to leave. You can't browbeat him into it and would you really want t to come about like that?

squishee · 09/01/2019 11:57

He sounds like a manipulative piece of work to me. The "earning it" part is shocking. Who does he think he is?
So you could be waiting a looooooong time for a proposal from this man, who is using a proposal as a carrot to string you along and keep you in your place.
You sound like a strong woman who has a very clear idea of what she wants. I'm sure you can do better than him. Good luck.

PeanuttyButter · 09/01/2019 12:02

I waited 10 years for a proposal. It can eventually. Would I have left if if it hadn’t of come? Nope because he is the person I want to be with .. I don’t want an engagement I want a relationship.
Tbh you both sound like your not really sure on each other so I would leave now before you bring children into this unstable situation. Good luck xx

PeanuttyButter · 09/01/2019 12:04

My DH also said the more I ask the longer it would be.. why don’t you seriously ask him. If you want the marriage and the stability and that’s what your worried you can’t have with him. Get down on one knee book a registry office and commit to each other. A wedding is wonderful but it doesn’t make a good marriage neither does a romantic proposal

blueshoes · 09/01/2019 12:12

My DH also said the more I ask the longer it would be

What a prize catch

WillowPeach · 09/01/2019 12:16

Personally I wouldn’t place so much emphasis on his silly comment that you have to earn it. He probably said this because he knew it would hit a nerve and he was angry. We all say things in the heat of the moment.

I feel like from your post that you’re quite hung up on the idea of sticking the plan of being engaged by 25 but I just don’t think you can plan these things and if you do, and it doesn’t work out as planned then that’s ok. Life unfortunately doesn’t like plans - especially strict ones. I think for your own sanity you need to let this idealised plan go and just take each day as it comes - ya obviously stressing you out.

Having said that, if you’re saying that you’re thinking now may be the time to leave over a small issue that you’re not engaged then maybe he’s not the one for you. I say this because I like you always had the idea that I’d be engaged by 25 but typical life got in the way and it wasn’t until we’d been together 7 years and I was 27 that we finally got engaged. Sure I’d get frustrated by the delay but I never once considered leaving him over it. Sure I’ve been dying to marry him but no way would I let that detail ruin what we had because I knew when the time was right it would happen.

StormTreader · 09/01/2019 12:25

Currently hes got everything he wants and the promise/threat of a future proposal and marriage or not as well if things don't go his way.
Why would he give that up by actually really proposing or marrying you? He's exactly where he wants to be.

slappinthebass · 09/01/2019 12:26

Christ. You sound seriously pushy and hard work. Why on earth are you so obsessed with being engaged? Is it a social status thing? Jealousy? You said yourself you then want to save up for a wedding over time, you can still do that now and not have a ridiculously long engagement. If someone was pressuring me to propose it would really put me off. It's obvious you are desperate about it or is wouldn't make those awful comments when you argue. He's made it blatantly obvious he plans to propose this year and not to harp on about it to leave some element of surprise. There is nothing stopping you from proposing yourself if you can't bare to wait, but that wouldn't make as good a story to your mates would if? In fact scrap waiting, if a ring is more important to you than being with him then maybe you would be best to leave.

XiCi · 09/01/2019 12:31

My DH also said the more I ask the longer it would be

Christ, how do these arseholes actually find anyone that would want to marry them. Depressing.

MikeUniformMike · 09/01/2019 12:31

Why would he marry you? He has no need to other than to make you happy.
Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you, bringing up children together?
You seem fixated on getting engaged. Why is it so important to you?
It's a good idea - legally - to get married before having children. I would ask him if he wants children with you, and when. If he says yes, then say you would prefer to be married first.
Twenty five is still young enough for you to walk free if you don't see a future together.