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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

237 replies

anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 08:52

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 09/01/2019 12:34

I'm worried that you're so hung up on being engaged that you're making excuses for his nasty, cruel and abusive behaviour. It looks like he's stringing you along until someone else comes along.

Even if he proposed now if you leave he'll only string you along and keep kicking the wedding down the road and you'll always be wondering if he really wants to marry you or if he's doing so because he feels coerced into it.

My advice is to run for the hills and don't look back.

KatyWhatsit · 09/01/2019 12:34

I think this wanting to be engaged and save up for years for a wedding is a bit tacky.

What's your goal? To be married or to have a fairytale, expensive wedding ( imo a waste of money.)

I was engaged for 12 weeks.

The wedding - white and in a church- was planned in 12 weeks.

I was almost 30. We'd been together 3 years. I had my first DC 18 months later.

You sound hard work. I suspect some of the retorts like you have to earn the proposal were said in anger and he is fed up with you nagging over this 'high society' wedding you want.

Either you both want to be married or you don't.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to get engaged or married and set a date for it?

2019Dancerz · 09/01/2019 12:36

He doesn’t want to marry you.
I wanted to get married so I asked dh, he said yes, we booked a wedding. It should not be this hard.

merrybloominchristmas · 09/01/2019 12:42

Sorry to sound like a nana here but. ...why why would he buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free?
He has all the advantages of marriage without the commitment. Why would he go further?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 09/01/2019 12:48

The way he is treating you is horrible.

I felt sad for you when I read that you had bought property together then gave a small cheer when I saw you had sold the place.

Seriously LEAVE HIM.

He is so unkind to let you dangle and his language makes me cringe “earn it” etc.

In my experience meeting someone in your early 30s is MUCH harder than mid-20s so don’t cling on to misplaced hope when this is a guy who doesn’t cherish you and clearly doesn’t want to commit.

that you are posting on here at all is an indication something is badly wrong

lilyheather1 · 09/01/2019 12:52

IME, if a partner is ready to get married, they will ask.

blueshoes · 09/01/2019 12:53

What is the 'milk' here. Lots of women do what OP do and end up married because these are modern times not your nana's time.

Is your advice that OP should have stayed in her father's house and not given up her virginity until at the wedding ring is on the finger?

blueshoes · 09/01/2019 12:53

My last post was directed at merrybloomin

brassbrass · 09/01/2019 12:56

In my experience meeting someone in your early 30s is MUCH harder than mid-20s so don’t cling on to misplaced hope when this is a guy who doesn’t cherish you and clearly doesn’t want to commit.

This! If I had a penny for every girlfriend that hung on because they'd already invested the time only to find the relationship ending anyway and the loser going on to marry (quickly!) the very next girl he goes out with. Don't do this to yourself.

How many years are you going to waste on him. He is showing you who he really is so listen and run for the hills.

PoshPenny · 09/01/2019 12:58

Sounds like the perfect time to call it a day with him. I'm another who isnt convinced that he'll actually marry you even if he reluctantly agreed to an engagement. TBH he doesn't sound very nice at all the way you've described how he carries on Thanks

MatildaTheCat · 09/01/2019 13:06

OP, with regards to the hurtful things he says to you, what sort of things? If it’s, ‘and you’ve got awful taste in music,’ well, ok. If it’s nasty personal comments or comments designed to destroy your self confidence and esteem that’s not a bad habit. It’s just a nasty spiteful man being a nasty spiteful man.

This really is a good time to think things through and decide if this really is what you want. Is this the dream?

Singlespies · 09/01/2019 13:11

Save for the divorce! He sounds unpleasant and I think you know what you want!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/01/2019 13:12

Split from your DP permanently. Take your share of the sale proceeds and buy your own place. Thank your lucky stars that you can get away now with no lasting ties.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 13:12

I'm another who thinks you should leave him. I think he's disrespectful in the extreme, mocking you by fake proposing, and I think he's got too much power in this relationship. Take some back back and dump him.

You're at a great age for being single. It sounds as though you've not been single before. Why not enjoy it and then look for someone who's a really decent bloke, who'll treat you as an equal and who will be thrilled to have you in his life.

User758172 · 09/01/2019 13:12

@blueshoes

Incentive to marry. He has none.

blueshoes · 09/01/2019 13:16

MrsAraidne the point is another man would still have an incentive to marry the OP irrespective of the circumstances because nowadays, people marry for love not because they need an incentive to.

Hence it is very odd to say the OP has given away the milk for free. Most women would have done that in this day and age. What should the OP have held back?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 09/01/2019 13:20

Look everyone can set whatever boundaries work for them. You didn’t want to buy a property together without being engaged. You were pushed to. You don’t want to upsize without being engaged, you’re being pushed to. You will not want to have kids without being married.. chances are he’ll push you to.

Not everyone wants to marry. Some people are happy with long term partners, some happy with long engagements.. some are happy with kids before weddings.. it’s all fine! But they are all happy!

You’ve got to draw the line where you are comfortable. My partner and I didn’t move in together until we got married. I didn’t post pictures of him on social media until we got engaged. (Different culture). It worked for us and we’re happily married with a baby for nearly six years. Just do whatever works for you but don’t be bullied into something you don’t want!

(Also all this talk of earning a proposal makes me want to barf..)

GrandmaJane · 09/01/2019 13:25

This will come as a shock - you are not young. Stop messing around with random men and find a new one to marry. ‘Engagement’ is a brief period between ‘courting’ and marriage - forget it, it’s a waste of time and energy. If all you want is the ring, buy your own. So, ditch the current user/loser who has had four or more of your young years. Work out what you really want. Identify where you might find that and get started on your life’s work.

They don’t call me ‘grandma’ for nothing.

PS - look for a husband who can provide. You’ve left it too late for ‘saving up’. That’s 16 to 21.

blueshoes · 09/01/2019 13:27

He, however, sees it needing to be quite flashy as his family are 'well to do' and I like the nicer things in life let's say, so he feels a sense of expectation.

Sounds like he might be someone who is good on paper. Perhaps you are a little materialistic as well and loathe to let go?

You are young and not too long out of University. He is only good on paper. Already, he doesn't earn as much as you. You can find someone else your age with so much more potential. Some very attractive women I know end up left on the shelf by their 'good on paper' boyfriends because they did not want to lose him and those invested years but did anyway and were in their 30s by then.

Those who married less 'good on paper' men went on to have families and good careers and did not lose out in the least.

You should be very very picky about who you marry. One of the most important qualities is that he should treat you well because marriage is ideally for the long haul and life is not one smooth path. You deserve better.

PoesyCherish · 09/01/2019 13:37

Would I have left if if it hadn’t of come? Nope because he is the person I want to be with .. I don’t want an engagement I want a relationship.

This. You sound really pushy on the subject and I suspect some of what was said in arguments was said in anger and out of frustration of being constantly pressurised. He's made it blatantly clear he'll propose in the next year. But if all you care about is being married and not making sure the relationship is actually the right way, maybe you would be better off splitting up.

WhirlieGigg · 09/01/2019 13:42

He’s had more than enough time to make up his mind. He needs to shit or get off the pot. Or you need to push him off. Statistically if a man hasn’t proposed after three years the odds of him ever doing so fall off a cliff. You have a limited amount of time and can’t afford to waste it waiting for him to make up his mind.

CandleWithHair · 09/01/2019 13:49

Nothing at all to stop you saving for a future wedding without being tethered to this dipshit OP

crosstalk · 09/01/2019 13:59

Sorry OP but do you have a stake in your home that he quite rightly prioritised over a wedding? Is your name on the deeds?

Other than that, you've been together for some time and you seem quite needy re commitment - can you manage if you split the proceeds of the house sale and go your own way? 25 is quite young to be married if you're career minded though I can see having security of marriage could also be good. I wouldn't like to be pestered - why don't you just ask him instead of waiting?

User758172 · 09/01/2019 14:01

@blueshoes

As I said earlier, if he wanted to propose, knowing how important marriage is to the OP, he would have done so by now. That’s the incentive - being totally in love with her and wanting to build a future together.

I think he sounds like a manipulative, immature fool and the OP should cut her losses and find one one who adores her and can’t wait to marry her.

Hence it is very odd to say the OP has given away the milk for free. Most women would have done that in this day and age

I personally didn’t say it, but I agree with the notion. I wanted to be married. I wanted commitment and security. I wasn’t going to waste time with someone who didn’t want the same thing. I had no intention of acting as a wife to anyone who wouldn’t marry me. But that’s me, everyone is different.

Singlespies · 09/01/2019 14:02

Weddings that need saving for are disappointgly samey. Save money for yourself!

Someone said it was too late to start saving money...slightly puzzled by that!