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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

237 replies

anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 08:52

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 09:50

Dh mentioned marriage 3 months in we both knew. No game playing or second guessing. With the right person it’s just not this hard. Throw him back in the sea and upgrade. Timings good too between properties.

My lovely friend ended her relationship at 27 bought a house together everything because he just wasn’t nice enough to her. Which was true he was a grumpy dull git. 3 months later met a man 100 times the person her ex was married years 2 kids. Bail!

billybagpuss · 09/01/2019 09:50

Waiting to propose to make sure it is the right thing for both of you is absolutely fine, however throwing it back in such an unkind way as he is doing is really upsetting and sets off alarm bells. If that is his opinion of you and marriage and the fact that you are asking the question to random cyber strangers leads me to think your mind is already made up. It doesn't sound like its working for you and the time is right with the sale of the house for you to move on.

CharlyAngelic · 09/01/2019 09:52

I think if you are questioning it yourself at this stage YOU KNOW your answer. Certainly , I , and others on Mumsnet , can give an outside opinion , and mine is LEAVE

IamIwas · 09/01/2019 09:53

Be prepared for him to declare his undying love and promises to get engaged after all if you do leave him (happened to me but too late by then.)

cakecakecheese · 09/01/2019 09:53

He knows you really want to get married, if he's not ready he should let you know gently but he's using it to amuse himself and to throw back at you in arguments. Not on.

Missingstreetlife · 09/01/2019 09:53

I think it's a bit strange to want a long engagement. I would leave it for now unless you want to marry soon. I thought you announced your intention to marry and then have a fairly short cooling off period before you get married. So would ask him does he want to get married this year or next, and if so get engaged fairly soon. You don't have to have a big proposal, you can be married and be career focused.
You seem focussed on these symbolic gestures but the important thing is do you want to be with him in the long term? I think the idea of a long engagement is giving him the heeby jeebies, back off and see what happens. Imagine your lives together or apart in 20 years, how does it feel? Maybe a few sessions with relate (together or alone) would help you put your thoughts in order,

Tinkobell · 09/01/2019 09:53

He sounds like a jumped up twat with his big self-opinion language of 'deserve' and 'earn' ffs.....marriage is about lifelong partnership not bloody humbling gratitude. If this is some kind of tongue-in-cheek response to just needing space and time (that's understandable) then he should tell you so.......But I really worry that the mans got a wharped view of real partnership and with the ups and downs of marriage and kids, balancing careers, sharing money.....I predict a painful future littered with issues if you stick with him. I have been happily married to same man for 30 yrs.....I know what I'm talking about.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 09/01/2019 09:54

It's a great time to get out of this OP - or even if you don't leave quite yet, don't buy a new house with him so you have your options open.

The things he's been saying are controlling and nasty, and reveal who he really is – and it's great if you can see that now, rather than down the line with kids. He understands that this proposal is important to you, so he's using it to string you along and try to control you and punish you for arguing with him. That's a terrible sign in a man. He isn't bothered about marrying you, but he likes controlling you and keeping you on tenterhooks.

(A friend of mine had a boyfriend a bit like this - he used to tell her she might get a proposal this year if she "played her cards right" . But he didn't propose, instead he just became more controlling and unpleasant until she left.)

Remember that if/when you do end it, you may find he is all apologetic and gives you the proposal you want. But I'd be wary because this will just be to reel you in so he can keep controlling you. Even if you marry him, you'll just end up with a man who will continue to be controlling – and they usually get worse after marriage and children.

You are 25, the world is at your feet and you have every chance to find an actual nice man. Go for it Flowers

Floopyandtired · 09/01/2019 09:57

If he asked you tonight, one knee, ring and all... what would you say?

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 09/01/2019 10:01

Find someone else who deserves you. You are good enough for now. He doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry.

Justaboy · 09/01/2019 10:03

Do that many people these days go through theis engaged/ propose and marry bit? I know more copuples who live, and lived and are living in Sin! and seem fine and have had and bought up children etc?.

Makes me also wonder who can adfford all the married costs these days as well, round our way even with help from the bank of mum and dad their very hard pressed to afford a roof over their heads!.

Is he being that serious re the "earn it" bit sounds daft to me but ! How do you two get on otherwise?, seems marridge is very important to you he probally sees it as a milstone round his neck.

Course being married has its uses when being divorced;!!

incywincybitofa · 09/01/2019 10:05

Reading your post it sounds like you have a plan and he fits the plan because he's male and in the right place at the right time. As the post above says focus on the person rather than the plan.
The guy you picked at 21 for age and stability isn't necessarily the same guy you'd pick aged 25 with the world at your feet.
I say leave. But dont leave in the hope it'll trigger a proposal

XiCi · 09/01/2019 10:07

He's knows it's what you want and is using the proposal as a carrot to dangle in front of you to keep you in line. I doubt he has any intention of marrying you. Fate has offered up a gift for you with the house sale. You could get out now unscathed. Please don't waste any more time on this idiot.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/01/2019 10:08

Two things, from someone more than twice your age:

1 Life doesn't always go as planned. I don't know why you have created these deadlines for yourself ' engaged by 25, married after saving up'.

You can get married any day in a register office. You don't need to save £XXXX K for a wedding. Put that kind of money towards a house.

YOU are partly creating this problem with your own time schedules. You are still very young. You easily have till you are 35-38 before your bio clock is relevant.

2 He sounds as if he is reacting to the pressure. 30 is still quite young for a man. Some of my DCs friends are married by that age, but many aren't.

He sounds unkind though and he knows which buttons to press to upset you.

You need to look at his behaviour overall. Is he generally kind and thoughtful? Is he on the same page with other things in life?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2019 10:08

You sound very rigid on your plans. I thought maybe he feels too pressured. But then I read 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

Fuck that for a game of solders.

You're right. He does not respect you at all. Leave him now before you commit to a new house. You deserve much better! Flowers

LadyMinerva · 09/01/2019 10:08

I've been with my DP for 12 years. He knows I want to be married and I know he doesn't. I would rather be with him and unmarried than without him and married to someone else. If it's marriage you want then you should leave, and now before resentment builds to an irreparable state. If it's him you want you should stay. Also, my parents didn't marry until I was 2 but my mum changed her surname to my dads when I was born. Marriage certificate made no difference in any way.

ZenNudist · 09/01/2019 10:08

Leave him. When its right it wont be this hard. Its lucky you have an opportunity for a clean break. Your split can be quite amicable.

25 is plenty of time to start again. Whatever you do dont go back to dating with a mission to find a husband. Chill out and enjoy yourself, be yourself and you will find someone who actually wants to be with you.

Lets face it a proposal is just the start. Even if he did propose whats to stop him putting off the wedding. Do you want to fight him and "earn it" every step of the way?

GladAllOver · 09/01/2019 10:10

You (plural you) don't NEED a proposal.
You either get married, or you don't.
The two of you have been together quite long enough to know if you want to be married or not.
From your posts it is quite clear that he doesn't.
You now have to decide whether to stay with him unmarried, or leave.

TeaStory · 09/01/2019 10:12

He doesn’t want to be engaged to you. If he did, he would be.

louise5754 · 09/01/2019 10:13

If you want to be with him and he has said he will marry you just do it.

I'm married and I didn't have a proposal. We wanted to try for a baby so just agreed to get engaged x

Miggeldy · 09/01/2019 10:13

Leave. He's a knob and you can do way better than him.

User758172 · 09/01/2019 10:18

You are still very young. You easily have till you are 35-38 before your bio clock is relevant

This is terrible advice. Your twenties aren’t time that you can waste before real life begins in your thirties. Why encourage people to wait until the last minute to make these decisions?

I had endless fertility issues, none of which I knew about beforehand, and one miscarriage after another. I was in my early/mid twenties and if I’d assumed I had another twenty years to start a family it would have been too late.

Homebird8 · 09/01/2019 10:18

If a proposal is that important to you, make it yourself. Then you’ll know.

Nettletheelf · 09/01/2019 10:20

ShatnersWig has summed it up very nicely thus:

Leave

You won’t regret it, OP!

PicaK · 09/01/2019 10:22

Earn a proposal? He sounds awful.
Yes leave. Get yourself sorted and on your own two feet before you decide if you want to commit to someone who treats you like this.
Fwiw I think your life plan is a good one. (And your fertility starts to drop a lot after 30) so this is a very good time to move on.
I think you should find someone nice - someone who would be delighted to marry you not do it under sufferance.

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