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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

237 replies

anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 08:52

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 09/01/2019 10:23

sod him “you have to earn it” I want to marry someone who is desperate to marry me not some lump who can’t be arsed.

This is sound advice, OP.

certainlymerry · 09/01/2019 10:25

To me, 25 is incredibly young to be engaged. I don't think your boyfriend is really treating you with much respect, but he also probably isn't ready. If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. If you really love him you could decide to wait a few more years, but his behaviour is not very promising generally. Why all this urgency to be engaged at 25? You are still very young.

OopsInamechangedagain · 09/01/2019 10:26

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He sounds like a future faker. Once he got you where he wanted you engagement is something he dangles to keep you in line.

Are you sure you're not in another abusive relationship? When coming out of an abusive relationship it's very easy to fall into the trap of being so relieved that new DP doesn't do XYZ behaviours like exP that other red flags such as control or belittling or financial abuse get overlooked because "at least he doesn't hit me/drink/flirt" etc. Not saying your DP is abusive but the thought process driving comments such as 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal' is unlikely to exist in a vacuum. It rings major alarm bells to me.

LemonBreeland · 09/01/2019 10:27

I think he feels he can string you along indefinitely. I would tell him that marriage is incredibly important to you and you are not willing to buy a new house with him until you are married (note. actually married not a promise of it). If he does not wish to be married then you will leave now.

User758172 · 09/01/2019 10:27

@certainlymerry

How is 25 is ‘incredibly young’? Confused

NotTheFunKind666 · 09/01/2019 10:29

Everything you've written shows that not only is this man-child a complete waste of your time, but you basically left one abusive relationship for another.

This is not how a grounded and emotionally mature man is meant to act. Ladies, stop putting up with this crap just for the sake of having a man!

I mean 'fake proposal', is he serious! No man who is serious about marriage acts like this, he's using it as a bait and fishing line to keep you hopeful.

There's no other way to say it: you need to leave him and leave him now and I would also suggest therapy to help you break what looks like a cycle to getting into unhealthy relationships.

It's also very suspicious that he wants to lock you in the biggest financial decision of your life without full emotional commitment. I've seen this happen with one friend, her and the guy never got married, and she's had to battle for years to get him off her a**s and finally get the house sold, but he was using the house and mortgage to basically control her.

'We have a home together and a dog who we both adore.' - honey, that basically means nothing if the person you're with is not fully committed to you. Real love and a healthy relationship do not function like this. You've said it yourself he has little regard for you, so why are you still there???

Leave him, focus on your career, travel, enjoy the world and stop wasting time with this fool, or I promise you will look back and regret wasting your best years.

certainlymerry · 09/01/2019 10:30

The OP will be a different person in ten years, there is a lot of growing up to be done. To be wanting to be engaged at this age seems strange to me. Each to there own though.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 09/01/2019 10:31

@AnotherNCherewego

God he is revolting. Sad

You deserve so much better. He will never change, and he will never marry you. He will always make sure you never get anything of his, (financially or otherwise,) and he will keep everything of his in HIS name.

If you have kids with him, he will give you the tiniest amount of money to help, your career will be affected (and not his,) and you will be left high and dry when he moves on.

He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't treat you like this. If he did he would marry you. Unpopular opinion, but if a man refuses to get married, it's because he is waiting for someone better to come along.

I have known couples where the man refused to get married, (even after 10 years together,) the couple have split, and then within 2 years, he is married to someone else.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 09/01/2019 10:32

Oh and yeah, LTB! You are still quite young. Find someone who deserves you. Smile

justilou1 · 09/01/2019 10:34

Go. Walk out the door. Turn around now. You don’t want him anymore...,

woolduvet · 09/01/2019 10:37

I'd be worried about him throwing you a bone when you tell him you're leaving.
Ie a desperate will you marry me, but then an eternally long engagement.
I think he's happy enough and not that into you maybe? (Sorry)

Mitzimaybe · 09/01/2019 10:39

I'm a bit worried about "wanting to be engaged" - surely you want to be married? Engagement in itself is meaningless. If you pressure him more, he might agree to getting engaged - but that doesn't mean he will ever marry you.

I think you're right about the timing - there will never be a better time to split up and find someone who does want the same things as you.

TougheningUp · 09/01/2019 10:40

I think you're in a perfect position to leave him now your house is sold.

He thinks you should "prove" that you're worth marrying? All he's doing is proving that he isn't worth your time or respect.

He will try to drag you back in if you leave him now: don't let him. Move on. Find someone who will love and cherish you, not someone who manipulates and bullies you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/01/2019 10:50

Yes, I think you are right in your thinking, take this opportunity to draw a line under your relationship, it's going nowhere.
This guy is a grade 'A' pratt, move on.

flamingofridays · 09/01/2019 10:54

HUNDRED

how does proposing several times mean He's clearly telling you that he doesn't want to get married

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/01/2019 10:55

Call his bluff and leave. It he turns up begging for another chance and proposes say NO!

Mitzimaybe · 09/01/2019 10:55

P.S. Wait until you have exchanged contracts on the house sale before telling him you are leaving, otherwise he might cancel the sale to keep you tied to him.

Original poster
anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 10:55

Thanks for all of the responses.

To clarify, I only came up with this timeline when we were into our relationship. I am trying to be a bit pragmatic about things. I do want a few years of engagement because I would like to save for the wedding which we've already essentially planned. It's just something that's important to me and he has always agreed with, this is just a matter of personal opinion.

He bought me a ring as a form of 'promise ring' when we were about 6 months in because we had said we wanted to be married but I felt far too young and was still at University.
He sometimes comments that it's the cost of an engagement ring that gets in the way despite me saying that i'd be happy with something cheaper. He, however, sees it needing to be quite flashy as his family are 'well to do' and I like the nicer things in life let's say, so he feels a sense of expectation.

He is not abusive in any other way, in arguments he tends to try to say things to hurt me to get a reaction. It's not right but it's a bad habit we got into when we were younger.

From a financial perspective, I am not reliant on him in any way and earn more.

OP posts:
IDismyname · 09/01/2019 10:58

Maybe go and get some counselling - just run all his behaviour, and your feelings about it - past someone. It does sound pretty abusive to me - and thats just what you've told us.

Meanwhile, don't commit to buying anywhere else with this man. Just rent short term until you know what you want to do.

My gut feeling would be to LTB.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 09/01/2019 10:59

I am not reliant on him in any way and earn more.

This may well have something to do with his need to control you and keep you waiting. Men like this often have a deep resentment towards women, especially successful ones, that comes out in various nasty ways.

woolduvet · 09/01/2019 10:59

It sounds like the promise ring was to keep you happy
If I'd have planned my wedding with my now dp he'd have laughed or run, it sounds like he's keeping you happy.

RuggerHug · 09/01/2019 11:06

Another voice saying leave. You're being dragged along and it's a hell of a lot messier to split after you buy the new place.

UncleFailBOOT · 09/01/2019 11:08

However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

Do you not see his contempt for you when he says things like this?

He isn't engaged to you because he doesn't want to be.
He isn't married to you, because he doesn't want to be.

I feel you've gone from one abusive relationship into another with a controlling, spiteful man.

Please don't settle for this. Leave him and seek counselling or therapy, anything to give you your self-esteem and self-respect back. You are worth so much more. You deserve better than this guy, you really do. Sad

blueshoes · 09/01/2019 11:12

From a financial perspective, I am not reliant on him in any way and earn more.

Then run for the hills and find another man who will love and cherish you and cannot wait to propose for real with a real ring.

He wants his cake and eat it. He wants to lock you and your earnings into another property with him with no commitment from him beyond crumbs from the table.

F that. You are 25. You don't need him.

Nettletheelf · 09/01/2019 11:13

Stop making excuses for him.

He says horrible things to hurt you because it’s a bad habit “we” got into when younger? So it’s not really his fault?

He won’t get engaged because his rich family might think that the ring isn’t flashy enough? Give me strength!

Just bin him. Good advice upthread about waiting until contracts are exchanged, to stop him from delaying the sale.