to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

[anotherNCherewego]

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

The bottom line is, he is not ready to commit to marrying you yet. Whatever he is saying to his friends and family is irrelevant - if he wanted to propose to you, he'd have done it already.

If I were you, I would definitely not buy the second home with him.

He told you that you need to earn a proposal? I think you already know your answer. He doesn't want to propose to you and you should consider leaving him.

OP, I think you need to chill out over timelines, but I say that for you, not him. Stop pressurising yourself first, you have plenty of time, providing you spend it wisely.

There is no point buying a bigger property with this man if you're dead set on marriage and he isn't sure. They aren't the same, but buying a house 50/50 (presumably with a bigger mortgage) is still a pretty big commitment, so you would hope he's thinking the same about the future as you are. And after 4 years, it's a bit like make or break.

I would bring it up with him honestly and say that you're concerned. If he isn't prepared to marry you (sounds uncertain to me) and marriage is a deal breaker for you (it should be), then you're both better off walking away now.

Whatever you do, don't think that given time he will change his mind. He won't. If he isn't committed now, leave and find someone who you can be happy with. Take the dog.

However, we have just sold our house (STC)
I haven't RTFT so sorry if I am repeating someone else. Speak to your conveyancers and make sure that net sale proceeds go into two separate bank accounts, not a joint one.

The mean things said about earning engagement etc have always been said in anger, during an argument about something unrelated"

Sorry, but this makes me think he means it. If it comes out in anger, in unrelated arguments, I would think this is what he really thinks deep down. I don't think he wants to marry you. And what would he replace it with in arguments after you're married?

You have left a high level abuser to fall straight into the arms of a low level one. Problem is the only acceptable amount of abuse is none.

I'm not saying he's awful, a monster, or like your ex - but like you said yourself in the OP - you are not being respected or taken very seriously, and that's a problem.

Don't marry somebody who doesn't respect you or take you seriously, even if it's only 5% of the time. Never marry somebody who thinks they are above you (ie you need to "earn" things), and don't marry somebody who you don't know what to make of what they are saying. You need to be able to trust your husband.

Honestly these issues probably aren't "that bad" in the scheme of things, but "not that bad" isn't good enough. It's OK to have high standards - seriously. It's imperative.

I've read your update. Oh dear. You are clearly minimising his negative behaviour.

I'm repeating myself but the questions went unanswered - have you ever done the Freedom Programme? Have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

Please read this, does he do anything on this list?
liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Also see www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Again, stop wasting your time...

The thing is when someone is angry that’s generally when the truth comes out. Leave.

Start putting into motion that you think it's time to split as you want different things you'll quickly find out if he's stringing you along..,

Turn the tables and get in the mindset that he has to earn a marriage acceptance from you.
Don’t be demanding, but have a serious conversation about how you have evaluated your situation. Make it clear that you feel the balance of respect is off right now, and even if he proposed, right now you wouldn’t accept (this may feel like a stretched truth) because you’re not clear on your future together. In all honesty, if he did propose tomorrow and you accepted, you probably would be setting off on the wrong foot. He’s taken you for granted and that would continue. I wish you well. You’re young and deserve to be with someone who would do anything rather than risk losing you (Tip: that person would have proposed already)