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AIBU?

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Original poster

to consider leaving a relationship because I want to be engaged?

237 replies

anotherNCherewego · 09/01/2019 08:52

For background my BF and I have been together for 4 years, I am 25 he is 30. Whilst I know I am somewhat young, I think his age makes it appropriate to be engaged considering I am ready and so is he. I wanted to be engaged by 25 as I would like a few years to save and build up to a wedding and then a few years before having children. At the moment I am career focused.

When we got together we discussed marriage heavily, we were very caught up in eachother and I had just left an abusive relationship. He was very for marriage and we even discussed doing it the following year.

He has on several occasions fake proposed which I have now found quite hurtful. It usually comes out of nowhere, once on a honeymoon type holiday, once laying in front of the tv, and a few other times on holiday, but it's never serious. No ring, no knee, just randomly saying it out loud. My response is always 'if you are serious then yes' but we always leave it as he isn't serious and i've never shown anger about it.

However, now I am 25 and ready, I've brought it up a few times. He tends to ignore me but most recently said 'well 30 is the year things happen and I need to do it' and comments like that, when it gets mentioned he doesn't dismiss it. However, whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

It's made me realise I am not being respected or taken very seriously. We have a home together and a dog who we both adore. However, we have just sold our house (STC) to upsize but are trying to still find the right house. Part of me is wondering whether this is the best moment to leave? I always said I didn't want to move until we were engaged but circumstance makes our current house havoc for both of us and we need to move.

Another point, when we were buying I had said I wanted to be engaged and then buy. He said he wanted a house first so we did that. But he said he will propose within a year as compromise. Obviously that never happened.

I do love him and want to marry him but I don't want to waste my best years on someone who takes me for granted.

OP posts:
DanglyMoonstoneOrnaments · 09/01/2019 09:19

So he thinks he's a 'prize' you need to work hard to 'earn'.

Hahahahaha! (at him not you!)

I had an ex once say to me 'Oh, see if you expect me to marry you, you can;t be carrying on at me like this!'

I didn't want to marry him at all, quite the opposite, was considering getting him to move out of my house and my response to him was as above complete with 'As IF ...'

Men who declare themselves the 'prize' you need to work hard to be lucky enough to 'catch' are narcissistic pricks. Run away!

XiCi · 09/01/2019 09:20

I personally waited eight years for my DP to propose and a few of my friends waited ten or similar lengths. Some men take a long time

IME its usually the exact opposite and when a man knows they want to marry someone they make a move very quickly. I've lost count of the amount of women I know who have been strung along for years by men who 'don't believe in marriage' who then leave, fall in love and marry very quickly. When someone says they don't want to get married it usually means that they don't want to marry You. So depressing to hear of women waiting 10 years for a bloody proposal. After that amount of time I would think that they were just settling tbh or been brow beaten into submission

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 09:26

@XiCi I guess it's different in all situations. The ones I've known to get engaged after a year or two are mostly broken up now and the ones who have waited are still together.

Of course there are situations like that but it doesn't always mean that they are going to string you along and dump you.

Raglansleeve · 09/01/2019 09:27

He doesn't sound much of a catch (in fact he sounds like an immature dick) . As you have sold property, you are in an ideal position to walk away if you want to.

You do sound quite hung up on the engagement thing though - it really should just be a short precursor to marriage rather than some long drawn out period where nothing much happens. The down on one knee with ring thing is all a bit Disney, and some men are just not comfortable with the rigmarole (my own DH being one of them).

MoaningSickness · 09/01/2019 09:27

You are not unreasonable. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want in life and not accepting less.

I personally waited eight years for my DP to propose and a few of my friends waited ten or similar lengths. Some men take a long time.

I know plenty of women who have been strung along for similar lengths but no proposal ever came. I would strongly advise anyone who wants marriage against waiting a decade for someone else to decide what they want. 4 years is plenty of time for someone to know if they want to get married or not. Most people know one way or the other in 2-3 years.

Also, please ignore the people saying you are young. Finding partners, dating them, giving them years to decide if they want marriage or not takes time! If he's not for you then the less time you waste with him the better.

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/01/2019 09:29

You sound fixated on getting engaged and married OP. You're only 25, relax! That's a really weird comment you made about 'his age makes it appropriate to be engaged'. That sounds fucked-up. It isn't a mathematical equation. It's about loving someone and wanting t spend the rest of your life with them regardless of what age they are!!
Someone like you would do my head in and your obsession would drive me in the other direction. Maybe this is what has happened to your BF.

However, he sounds AWFUL and it sounds like you're making each other miserable. You don't seem to be compatible. He's clearly telling you that he doesn't want to get married yet you persist with your engagement obsession. I think you should call it a day. Definitely don't buy another property together.

User758172 · 09/01/2019 09:30

you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks'or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'

He knows exactly what he’s doing when he says these things. He’s manipulating you and insinuating you’re the unreasonable one, and then he can kick the can further down the line and make no commitment to you.

Those aren’t the words of someone who loves you. Nothing wrong in wanting to be married, but is this the kind of man you want to shackle yourself to, have children with? You shouldn’t need to convince him that you’re worthy. If he was madly in love with you and recognised how much marriage meant to you, he would have proposed already.

Remember - this is as good as it ever gets! No children to stress and worry over, parents elderly and ill - if it’s not great now, it won’t get any better. These are the good times now that sustain you later when things get tough.

I’d have a serious think about whether you want to hitch your wagon to this star. He sounds immature and manipulative, and you could do much better. Much better!

emzw12 · 09/01/2019 09:30

My ex was exactly like this - after 4 years I fucked off he immediately said "he would sort it out this year" - no thanks. My DH proposed a year after we met and it was all his work, he went to London to buy a ring etc. If a man wants to propose he will, it doesn't matter how many times you tell him to do it, if he doesn't want to do it, he won't do it. And to be fair do you really want to be with someone who has only proposed because you've nagged him to death over it!

burritofan · 09/01/2019 09:31

He sounds cruel and nasty with the fake proposals.

However, what's stopping you starting to save for a wedding now? You don't need a ring and a date set in order to open a savings account. And if you want to wait a few years to have children, you can wait whether you're single, engaged, married, divorced.

What's the hurry to formalise the engagement? It's great to have life goals, but you don't need this nasty man to achieve them, or a set order to do it. Start saving now – it's good to have a cushion when you LTB! – and maybe chill out on the 'trying to control your life timetable' aspect.

BlueJava · 09/01/2019 09:31

Earn a proposal? I don't think so! You are worth way more than that, leave him. As you have sold your property it seems the exact right time!

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/01/2019 09:32

Definitely leave. Don't let him waste your time.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/01/2019 09:34

'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

That's appalling. He's clearly stringing you along and has no intention of doing it any time soon. (Ever maybe?)

You bought a house as a precursor to getting engaged, but it never happened. You have an ideal opportunity to get out now the house is being sold. Find your own place and tell him you are not moving back in or buying another house with him until he sets a wedding date (and books a venue, to show real intent.) Let him show he deserves you. Otherwise, just get out now and find someone who truly respects and deserves you. You are young and have plenty of time to find better.

Senioritafamiglia · 09/01/2019 09:36

Earn a proposal??
Is this kind of thing a one off or is there a consistent pattern that you can notice whereby you need to 'earn' approval 'be nicer' and so on? As in my experience this kind of mindset signifies an attitude of entitlement ans superiority. This can quickly mean that your emotional reality is dismissed in favour of his, the cornerstone of emotional abuse. I hope you're ok.

diddl · 09/01/2019 09:38

" tell him you are not moving back in or buying another house with him until he sets a wedding date "

Or just leave him because he's awful?

regmover · 09/01/2019 09:38

Hopefully the money that is yours from the house sale is safe and accessible to you and you can part with him easily.

User758172 · 09/01/2019 09:39

You sound fixated on getting engaged and married OP. You're only 25, relax!

It’s a perfectly reasonable age to get married. And there’s nothing wrong in wanting to be married, either. OP shouldn’t be hanging around wasting valuable time when he doesn’t sound like a particularly nice man, or one who’s rushing to commit to her. She’s perfectly entitled to want that commitment after five years together.

I met my DH in September and married him in December. He knew marriage was important to me. I wouldn’t have waited years for any man to decide if he wanted me enough.

TinyElm · 09/01/2019 09:39

He sounds like a tool.

But if you're considering leaving someone because you want to be engaged, then they are not the person you should marry anyway. When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, the "should I leave him because xyz" thoughts won't be crossing your mind.

FetchezLaVache · 09/01/2019 09:41

whenever we argue he will say 'and you expect me to want to marry you? no thanks' or 'you have to earn it' 'you have to prove you deserve a proposal'.

Like many others, I had a 'Woah!!" moment when I read that bit. FFS don't stay with him. The way I read it is that he has no intention of marrying you and is keen to make it your fault for not jumping through all hoops. Furthermore, if 30 is "the year things happen", there is no reason a ring on your finger and the prospect of a wedding in 2 or 3 years would prevent that. He's just stringing you along. I should take the opportunity offered up by fate to get the hell out.

ReallyFrida · 09/01/2019 09:42

'you have to earn it'

Please please please let this be a troll.

If it's not, run like the wind. He wants to be married, but not to you or he'd have done it by now. These sort of men string someone along for years, then get married after 6 months to the next person when they are ready.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 09/01/2019 09:42

Having a set age for this sort of thing is a recipe for disaster in my view BUT all this stuff about a proposal being something he might deign to give you if you're compliant enough is absolutely vile and no basis for a relationship between equals.

ReallyFrida · 09/01/2019 09:44

Also, it is 2019. You don't need a proposal. Proposals were for women who had no choice and had to sit and wait and hope for the best. It's not a reward.

Two adults decide together when they things are right. This isn't that time though. Get out.

MsTSwift · 09/01/2019 09:46

Actual sod him “you have to earn it” I want to marry someone who is desperate to marry me not some lump who can’t be arsed. Bin him while you’re young

CandleWithHair · 09/01/2019 09:47

Maybe it’s because I’m a jaded divorcee but I really wish women would focus less on the ‘schedule’ and instead focus on finding a relationship that has real love, friendship, devotion and depth. Everything else will fall in to place when you find that.

You definitely haven’t got it with this tosser

carrotflinger · 09/01/2019 09:47

What a knob.
"Earn a proposal"? "Deserve it"??
Eh?
The only thing that should count is that he loves you enough, unconditionally, to marry you and you love him enough to marry him.
If there are conditions attached it is not true love.

I think he doesn't really want to get married but sees it as a way of manipulating you. He uses it as a tactic when arguing as soon as you say something he doesn't like.

You say your previous relationship was abusive so don't let this one turn out this way.
Honestly, it doesn't look good and I think you should leave.

Oh and don't set yourself a "timetable" for when you want to get engaged and married etc. Things happen in life when they happen. You don't need to be engaged for 5 years - most people are engaged a lot less than that before they marry.

Dimsumlosesum · 09/01/2019 09:50

Sounds like he's just not that into spending the rest of his life with you.