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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Ihadacrushoncoreyhaim · 08/01/2019 11:39

I have a very high sex drive and my partner ha s quite a low libido due to very long working hours and being so tired, so be flattered that your partner is gagging for it from you!

I'd speak to your dr about it to be honest as with you not being in the mood may indicate other things than just being tired.

I work in a male dominated enviroment (motor trade) and a lot a couple of guys here have partners whom are not interested in sex due to being at home all day with babies, it does frustrate the guys, they are actually understanding but the lack of intimacy does upset them and one of them feels insecure. So it is worth maybe taking it to mthe next level and perhaps getting professional advice xx

FortheloveofJames · 08/01/2019 11:40

It’s a difficult one OP.

Sex is a massive part of a relationship (in my opinion anyway) and when one wants it more than the other there can be issues. However, you’ve just had a baby. And also sounds as though you’ve been looking after that baby by yourself for the last 10 days? Do you do the majority of the baby care? I don’t think you are at all unreasonable for not wanting to have sex right now. For me everything was different after I had DS and I just didn’t feel ready for quite a while, and unfortunately for DP I had to feel ready. He was understanding though.

Aside from now though, you say you can quite happily live without it. Have you always been like that? It sounds as though you both have different sex drives and you need to find a comprimise you are both comfortable with (when you feel ready). He is unreasonable by behaving like a dick just because he doesn’t get his end away.

Oswin · 08/01/2019 11:41

Flattered? No she shouldn't. He is treating her like she is just somewhere to put his dick ffs.

HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 11:42

I don't think anyone should be grateful for a man unzipping himself and wanting a quick one while their baby is sitting next to him!

Bellasorellaa · 08/01/2019 11:42

I’m a female with a high sex drive but I don’t have children and I think your partner is being unfair because you have just had a baby
I would talk to him and buy him one of those fake vagina things which he can use when you don’t want it
It’s weird looking but if it gets him to leave you alone

GrandmaSteglitszch · 08/01/2019 11:42

YANBU
Your partner is not acting caringly so why would you want sex with him?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/01/2019 11:42

He sounds selfish with no understanding and no care for your needs.

There is also a theory out there that some women’s sex drives depend of their emotional needs and wants. I’m not sure if it’s true but I don’t think there is anything remotely attractive about a man that is unable to control himself and can only think about sex and himself.

YANBU.

Bellasorellaa · 08/01/2019 11:43

And the baby right there whilst he wanted sex was out of line

RayRayBidet · 08/01/2019 11:43

Jesus wept, flattered?
OP you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and a partner who loves and respects you should not want to pressure you like that.
YANBU

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 11:43

Ignore that dont be flattered that his immediate thought was sex - as in the simple physical act rather than intimacy

Tell him that unbuttoning his trousers makes you feel that he simply wants to get laid (as he put it) rather than be pleased to see YOU and spend time with you

You are sleeping with him to keep him happy that is no way to live

I do second professional advice though as it sounds like it is taking over everything rather than just having a high sex drive

Ihadacrushoncoreyhaim · 08/01/2019 11:44

Ok flattered was the wrong word but at least her partner is interested in her, if he was away working and wasnt interested in sex people will probably say he is giing off her or playing the field!

DragonMamma · 08/01/2019 11:44

Flattered? Like hell would I be.

There’s nothing that would make me want sex less than somebody who was trying to brow beat me in to it. Unbuttoning his trousers and asking for a quickie would be beyond a turn off for me Envy

Grubsmummy · 08/01/2019 11:45

I couldn't put up with this. I have a low sex drive but when we were ttc we did it alot and tbh it just got on my nerves. No intimacy, just a means to an end. I know you've just had a baby with this guy but can you put up with this for the rest of your life?

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 11:45

ihadacrush but that is the point he isnt interested in her but simply in having sex with her - as she is easy and available and he doesnt have to try!

Stabbitha · 08/01/2019 11:46

Go to the dr too see why she isn't in the mood? Really?

I bet it's because her partner is a shit who doesn't respect her. Who would want sex with that?

Sirzy · 08/01/2019 11:46

You need to sit down and talk like adults. He shouldn’t be forcing the issue but at the same time him wanting to have sex with his wife is hardly unreasonable so you need to tackle the issue

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 11:47

be flattered that your partner is gagging for it from you

Really? Hmm

She doesn’t need to speak to her GP, what she needs is a partner who isn’t being a fucking twat about sex. It’s not some god given right, he has no right to get stroppy because the OP doesn’t want to. She’s probably tired after looking after a baby all the time. Maybe if her partner came home and took the baby off her for a bit that would be more helpful. Coming home and demanding sex is highly unattractive. And actually all he seems concerned about is having sex rather than his partner and child.

You should never have sex with someone to keep the peace. Have you looked at why you don’t want sex, is it at all or just with him? You didn’t want it before, but do you actually want to be with your partner?

Ihadacrushoncoreyhaim · 08/01/2019 11:47

Ok I'm sorry, It completely came out wrong, probably as i'm never going to hear the end of this now am i?

elvis86 · 08/01/2019 11:48

YANBU to be less interested in sex at the moment after a baby, and it sounds like your OH is being bullish in the way he's approaching it.

However, YpossiblyABU to be in a long term relationship with someone for whom sex is important, if you're not remotely interested in it, and if you're generally unmotivated to address any issues that may be precluding your enjoyment of a healthy sex life. That's not fair on either of you.

AntiHop · 08/01/2019 11:49

He sounds like a bully.

silkpyjamasallday · 08/01/2019 11:50

No one should feel flattered by being treated as a hole to fuck. Where is the actual intimacy? Yes sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, but nagging and pestering is likely to kill all attraction/desire. Does he help with your DC? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm not at all surprised you don't feel up for it OP. Please please don't have sex just to appease him, it is not true consent if it coerced, and his sulking and making life unpleasant if you don't put out is coercive behaviour. The sort of man who will have sex with an unwilling partner isn't a good person, and isn't someone you should stay with imo. So sorry OP Flowers

chillimartini · 08/01/2019 11:50

@Ihadacrushoncoreyhaim flattered??? Really??
OP you are not BU!! Your partner is being a major asshole! You do not need to have sex with him if you dont want to.
Are you afraid he will leave or go elsewhere for sex? Can you talk to him openly about your feelings?
I really do feel for you. It can't be easy having had a baby 4 months ago Thanks

Original poster
Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:51

Thank you for your replies! FortheloveofJames Yes,I do the majority of the childcare, as he works away from home a lot, for long periods of time.

It just makes me feel a bit used and like that's all he wants from me - he shows very little interest in our baby and other child. Let alone me and how I'm doing.

And it's the fact that if I say no, he'll see no reason to be around me - he'll then insult me or criticise me. He's only nice to me when he wants sex.

He's currently not talking to me :/ And 100% if I said yes now, everything would be fine. Until the next time...

But I agree,there is definitely something wrong with me - having no desire for sex.

But part of me thinks that maybe it's because of the way he pesters me for it - like a PP said, that's very unattractive

OP posts:
theplot · 08/01/2019 11:51

This is abuse, the pressure he is putting you under is sexual coercion. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You should absolutely not put up with this situation, you deserve so much more. Please stay safe and find a way to leave. Xx

ItsQuietTime · 08/01/2019 11:52

I don't think a relationship where one person has a high sex drive and the other one could happily go without sex period, will survive.

Not ever wanting sex isn't normal, I would talk to a GP.

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